Well, NOW what do I talk about for the next year?

Most important, at least to my fellow intellectual fellows who watch Real Housewives of Orange County: It looks like Vicki and Steve broke up. They’ve unfollowed each other on social and she hasn’t put a picture up of his bland self in a month. Why anyone would have gotten engaged to that whack a mole Vicki is beyond me in the first place.

I recently found a blog where a person with a degree in psychology writes about which personality disorders each housewife has. It was riveting. I didn’t save it or anything but try Googling around to see if you can find it.

Secondly, we did it. Thank you!!

And look! If it expires November 23 of 2021, doesn’t that tell us I had till November 23rd of 2020 to pay it? Why start just dipping into my checking account this early, WORDPRESS? Get yer hands off my account {slaps WordPress’s hand}.

This is like when my grandmother would get to the airport 9 hours before the flight.

When she lived in Los Angeles, she lived very close to the airport. My cousin Katie was coming to visit me circa 2003, so I asked Grammy if I could spend the night at her place rather than try to drive from my house an hour away on a good day, through LA morning traffic, to pic up my cousin at 10 a.m.

Only my cousin Katie would pick a flight that early when she’s 25 and supposed to be hung over, by the way.

The night before Katie’s arrival, I told Grammy repeatedly, “Now, Katie’s flight gets in a 10:00. I have an alarm set, but remember, I don’t need to get up earlier than 8:00. It’s a 10-minute drive and waking up at 8:00 is FINE.”

The next morning, and does it count as morning if the sun isn’t up yet? Does it count as morning if the roosters are still tucked in? Wearing their talon-y pajamas? Because I was DEEP IN REM when I heard

“June.”

“Juuuune.”

“Juuuuuuuuuune, you’d better get up. Your cousin will be arriving in four and a half hours. You’d better get up, June. You have a 10-minute drive ahead of you.”

I sort of miss my grandmother, despite that. Despite how, at that moment, I’d have gleefully sliced her to ribbons and thrown her in a confetti parade. Those famous confetti parades.

Nothing makes me disproportionately angrier than my sleep being disturbed. Speaking of which, I do not know what was up

THAT

DAMN

FOREST

‘s ass early today, but all this morning, I heard,

“meeep!”

“meeeeep!”

outside my bedroom door. It didn’t really wake me up all the way, as opposed to Grammy circa 2003, but once I did get up, I whipped open the door.

“meeee-oh, hai!” Forest was fine. He was swishing his fluff tail becomingly. THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG. He just wanted to hear himself meep.

{meep}

It’s foggy today, a thing that obsessed me this a.m.

You get my drift. You’re puttin’ on my foghat.

What causes fog? Something must be evaporating or something. I should have paid attention in science, but my science teacher had the world’s worst toupee and it was distracting.

Since we’re looking down the street from me in that last fog picture, lemme tell ya a story. You see the second millhouse, the beige one? Between and behind the white millhouse where the guy who drinks lives and the beige millhouse where the hippie girl who gardens lives is a dead end. A few houses down from the hippie girl is another dead end.

Some days when I take my evening walk, my constitutional, Milhous will follow me. The cat. Not my actual house, which I might have led with. If he does follow me, I restrict my walk to just walking repeatedly down one dead end and then down to another, so he doesn’t start following me in roads with cars involved. If I see one car go by on the dead-end walks it’s something of a shock.

Anyway the other day he was following me and the hippie girl, who is very nice, said hello. As I walked away, Milhous was figure-8ing around her ankles and I just figured he’d go back to following me eventually, but do you know he stayed and figure-8ed her THE ENTIRE TIME? What a traitor.

Also, of course, she said the fox had just been there.

Have I told you how

EVERYONE

in this ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD

has seen the fox? I’ve even had friends come to see me and say, “On my way out to my car, I saw your fox.”

EVERYONE HAS SEEN HER BUT ME.

I have purposely sat outside, trying to be quiet because you know how restful I am, for AGES, getting mosquito bites, and no fox. Not once. Also, I feed her out my back fence. There’s an alley behind me, and if I have fruit that’s past its prime like me, or leftovers, I put some out for Trudy and she always eats it. BUT HAVE I SEEN HER?

No. In case you weren’t picking up my foghat. No.

It’s my goal now. I wish to see her, and also her BABY FOX BABY, that have I mentioned everyone has seen like it’s nothing? Also, half the people, OK one. One person here thought seeing a fox was scary and threatening, and I had to call forth my scads of patience to say, “Foxes won’t eat you, and seeing one in the day doesn’t mean it’s rabid. Please don’t tell at Trudy.”

I am certain no one here thinks I’m berserk or anything. I didn’t even NAME her Trudy. My neighbor R did. OK, only after I asked her, “What should we name our fox?” Still.

Probably Trudy hides from me because she’s worried I’ll adopt her and make her live inside and put bows on her which I 100% would. Make her wear little pawsy pajamas.

All right, I’ve gotta go. It’s 9 a.m. and no one has assigned me any work at work and that makes me nervous. It makes me think I’ll get a, “Sorry [insert sideways smile emoji]! I meant to send earlier. Can you copy edit this 80-page thing in a hour!?” message if I don’t say something now and jar jar binx everyone’s memory that I exist.

Foxlessly,
June June Binx

60 Comments

  1. Meeee-oh, hai! just made me snort my soda up into my sinuses. I have all kinds of wildlife in the woods behind my house and, like June, usually all the neighbors see the animals instead of me. Also, and, why is everyone watching my house? I have seen and heard foxes though. One wintery day, I watched a very red fox go through my yard, across the road and across my neighbor’s yard. The red with all the white behind him/her was such a beautiful picture.

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  2. In my pre-divorce house, there was a fox who frequented our yard in the winter. I loved watching him/her. I once was the only person in the neighborhood who somehow missed seeing a mountain lion walking through the alley. I’m still mad about that.
    Bad toupees are very distracting. No wonder you couldn’t learn about fog.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We just remodeled our bathroom and we put in this beautiful, big, all glass shower that I love but I should have thought about the fact that when my husband is in the bathroom with me he can actually see me in there showering. Nude. A big ugg for him. As a distraction, I figure I should keep him talking and not looking, so out of no where, I mention Foghorn Leghorn a few days ago. Why? No idea. Haven’t thought of that guy for maybe 50 years. Maybe more. Foghorn Leghorn. My husband then proceeds to tell me Foghorn, of course, was his first name and Leghorn is a type of chicken. Right there. Without goggling. Seriously. Who the hell knows this kind of stuff? I mean, unless you were raised on a ranch or in the country, who? And then I got to thinking. Is it me? Am I the only idiot in the world that doesn’t know a Leghorn is a type of chicken? Maybe I’m the big, fat, gray haired old loser in the shower who didn’t get a decent education as a child and now, not only do I feel badly about my reflection in the mirror that I can see from the big, glass shower, but also about my intelligence. All this to say, big mistake about the remodel. Fucking Foghorn Leghorn.

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    1. I knew this, but only because Foghorn Leghorn is my all-time very favorite cartoon character in the whole world. He is the best. If I ever get to re-do my bathroom I am going with the glass blocks that you can’t see through. I love those things.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. When I went to look up the foghorn video which, by the way, NOBODY appreciated, the first thing that popped up was a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon. I sat and watched it and laughed. Should have posted a link to that.
      Also, we have moved into a place with those all clear glass huge double doors like you have and across from that is a mirror that stretches longer than the shower which throws a reflection of the showeree which is unmissable from the bedroom and thank goodness we’re on the 3rd floor with no buildings within a block of us cuz it’s not as pretty as it used to be a few decades ago. There’s no place to hide now that discretion is the better part displaying.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 1madgirl, I meant to tell you how much I enjoyed the foghorn. Although the only foghorn I knew was Leghorn, Mr. Sadie grew up listening to a foghorn like the one in your video.

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  4. I am replying quickly and then going back to read the other comments, but I wanted to ask if you are following Juniper Fox on the social? Juniper and friends all live together and it’s a house I would dearly love to visit. They even do art. I bought my daughter-in-law a painting that Juniper did. Now, off to read all the clever comments!!

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  5. I have giggled over the comments today. What an assortment of topics! Toupees, foxes, real housewives and fog.
    What a great post, June!
    Before I got married I traveled with friends fairly often. One of them always wanted to get to the airport so early that workers were still installing the seats and painting the logo on our plane. We vetoed her butt. Big no.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I used to be one of those people who wanted to get to the airport early just in case.

      One day I was dropping my mother off at the airport and got her there so early that she actually boarded the earliest flight. Plane left the terminal and then a very confused woman went to the rest my mother was in. The plane then had to go back to the terminal to turf my mother off.

      I learnt my lesson.

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  6. Dammit, we don’t have foxes around here. Just the Raccoon posse: Randy and Joan, who are very well behaved but their kids (Ned, Burt and Dave) are little assholes. Especially Ned. He’s always bullying poor Dave who has a wonky paw.

    My mom is one of those people who insists on being super extra ultra early when she travels. She will pack her suitcase a week ahead of time and then have to unpack multiple times to find whatever article of clothing. Then she’ll arrive at her destination missing half of her clothes. She has forgotten shoes, socks, underwear and bras.

    Also, years ago, I had a boyfriend who would always wake me up 30 minutes before my alarm would go off because he had morning wood. It used to piss me off so much because only one of us had to get up and go to work and it wasn’t him. I don’t care how good the sex was, DON’T WAKE ME UP BEFORE THE ALARM GOES OFF!!! I’d tell him that every goddamn night before we went to sleep (“do NOT wake me up!”) and he’d still do it. Fucker.

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  7. We have several fox (what is the plural?) in our neighborhood but we back up to a state park so we get lots of wildlife. The coyotes are the things that worry me cause they will eat anything and any small animal. We keep our cat in though and I think the coyote would think twice about trying to take on a 20 pound cat. Or he may think “Thanksgiving!!”. Glad you have your WordPress account for another year and we can count on the funny and animal pics. You are lucky you just get a meep in the morning, we get a full on operetta from our boy.

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  8. How did Steve stay with Vicki for as long as he did? She is a true trainwreck! She did quit RHOC for him though, so that’s something I guess.
    Men should just embrace the baldness. For those of you women who haven’t had hair trauma, count yourselves extremely fortunate. There is no explaining how sad and demoralizing it is to be a woman losing your hair and can do nothing about it. I so badly need a realistic looking wig solution and have no idea where to go. It’s so embarrassing. I just wear a ball cap whenever I go out.

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    1. The receptionist at our dentist’s office told me that she has alopecia, and has worn a wig for ever. It must be a really nice wig, because I never noticed. But yes, losing hair no matter what gender is hard. My husband is doing a bit of combing forward as his hairline recedes, and I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s not working.
      Lovely post, pretty June. Gorgeous picture of FL.

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    2. Hot in AZ – I hope my comment didn’t come off as unkind… I ABSOLUTELY understand why a woman with hair loss would choose to wear a wig. The wig as a fashion statement does baffle me, but then again if I run a comb through my hair once a day I consider it good, so there’s my fashion sense for you.

      I hope you find a solution that feels right for you – maybe a chat with a hairdresser? They probably see all kinds of hair situations.

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  9. This whole post is fantastic! I also cannot stand being disturbed from sleep. Not for any reason. If the house burns down while I’m asleep—it was my time to go. I almost didn’t make it to the hospital to deliver my last child because I was convinced I could sleep through the contractions (and did).

    Liked by 2 people

  10. David Sedaris has a fox that visits him. Have a million people told you already? He has a couple of stories about it. I hope you will see your fox soon.

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  11. In a similar naming convention of Lily and Iris, is Trudy’s last name Foxglove? I’ve called every fox I’ve ever seen Foxy. Of course, I stopped to talk to talk to each one, “Hello, Foxy.” We’ve always socially distanced even before it was a thing, observing each other from a safe distance.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I think those are two of my biggest, I don’t know, pet peeves, buttons, whatevers. My sleep being disturbed and someone who has to be someplace beyond reasonably early.

    Hate. Hate. Hate.

    Keep a reminder of your next due date for this blog so they don’t cheat ya. I think companies do try it.

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    1. I was thinking of asking you all to remind me next year, because you know how life washes over me all the time. WHAT? It’s CHRISTMAS? WHAT? The CAR PAYMENT is due? WHAT?

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    2. My late mother and father-in-law showed up so early for a party at his brother’s house that the hosts were out picking up the cake and some last minute items. They live in a place that is a bit of a ride from town. My mother-in-law needed to pee quite badly and she broke their doorbell trying to get them to let her in. The hosts were NOT amused!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. If you wish, take a moment to remember the sound of a foghorn over water. Wasn’t that lovely?

    Thanks for the great post and pictures of The Green Eyed Meeper and fog.

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  14. I nearly choked to death from laughing at you wearing your Foghat, Also, I never figured you for a Star Wars person. The only reason I am one is because of my 15 year old son.

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  15. I am envious of your leaves still being mostly green. Ours are mostly orange now, which is pretty, but soon they will drop and everything will look dead and that makes me not enjoy winter at all.
    Am also envious that you have a fox. We only have skunks and a drunk raccoon. And lots of cats which are feral and not at all friendly.
    I am glad you got your press of words paid for another year. Next year I will be prepared to chip in!

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  16. Plus Also Too, I used to work with a guy who wore a toupee. Only he had a toupee wardrobe, same style, but varying lengths so it would look like his hair grew and then he got a haircut. And he would say he was late because he was at the barber’s. PLEASE. That collection of toupees was so horrid they practically had chinstraps.

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    1. My sister’s sister-in-law is married to a guy who wore a horrible toupee for years and years. We all knew it was a bad rug but were polite and didn’t say anything. He finally got the courage to let it go and lo and behold! He looks like Stanley Tucci! (who I adore and have a crush on). Embrace the hair loss, gentelmen.

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  17. We have foxes in our neighborhood so we see them on the regular. In fact, as I was leaving the subdivision last Friday night around dusk, 4 deer ran out across the road inches away from my car hood, and then if that wasn’t enough wildlife, at the next crossing was a beautiful fox with a very lush tail. However, if I had been on foot? I would have been scared to death.

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  18. My cat, Trudy, meeps. Do you think Milhous is getting tasty food from the neighbor? My boss, fmr., wore a toupee, we, his subordinates, call it The Wombat and sometimes The Bathmat, of course, this was never to his face. That thing was just nasty and cheap, because his photo was next to the word cheap in the dictionary. I think fog is caused when the ground is warmer than the atmosphere. Don’t quote me on that because the carpool guy, frm., told me that. I didn’t learn that in science class. I was never interested in science in school, my focus was on band. What’s with these companies that attempt to make drafts out of your account WAY before the due date?! And the bank sends reminders that certain bills are due that have already been paid and I can’t figure out now to stop the reminders.
    Tee

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I used to work with a woman who’s last name was Fox. (And she wasn’t a.) Trudy’s name is probably Gertrude on her license. I had an aunt Gertrude, who, INEXPLICABLY, went by GERT. Why? Trudy is so cute. Gert sounds like something you need to excuse yourself for.

    In other news, I was out with my daughter on Sunday and this guy came running out from behind a building, shouting and gesturing about “a huge cat, no, really, gigantic, HUGE…” I was on my way back there, assuming it was a pregnant cat and OMG how GLORIOUS would that have been to find a pregnant cat!! But my daughter yanked me back: “Are you NUTS? It’s probably a bobcat!” So I hurried even more, because: BOBCAT!! But then she got really serious: “Fine. It will rip your throat out and I don’t want to hear about it.” So I sighed and trundled off after her. Exactly when did she become the adult here?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My ex-boyfriend, the one from Seattle, put up a picture of a bobcat once, on Facebook, and he said since he didn’t actually know it he’d refer to it by its formal name, Robert Feline. I am sorry to tell you I giggled for an hour and 29 minutes.

      You really didn’t go back and look at the Robert Feline?

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      1. Robert Feline! Sadly, no. We had an appointment and if it had been either a bobcat or a regular pregnant cat, we would’ve missed the appointment. Not to mention if it had been a bobcat, my throat would have been ripped out.

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    2. My mother had an Old Aunt Gert on her father’s side. I guess it wasn’t as bad a name back then. Of course, since there were a lot of Myrtles, Berthas, and Ednas around, Gert fit right in with the popular crowd and sat at the cool table.

      Liked by 1 person

    3. My husband sent me a picture of a bobcat he was watching from his treestand this weekend. I was insanely jealous. Also, my first thought would have been that the dude was a serial killer trying to lure me into an alley. I lived in the Chicago area for about six years and it really changed my perspective on that kind of thing.

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    4. My new rescue doggie Gladys’ full name is Gladys Gertrude Gardenia. I am bringing the Gertrude into the 21st century!

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    1. Me too, but from a safe distance. Where I live now is more rural, I have a far better chance here. So far it has been families of deer (oh, the young ones), hawks (glad my dogs are not THAT small) and I believe bats. Lots of birds, he feeds them. There is an entire family of cardinals that grew up here. It’s blissful, makes up for the at least twenty minute drive to major shopping.

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  20. I don’t understand why a man would wear a toupee in the current day – bald heads are totally OK now. Of course I don’t really get women who wear wigs, either. Maybe I’ve just never had hair trauma.

    We have a neighborhood fox. People are constantly warning us about it on our neighborhood FB page. “Don’t let your KIDS go to the BUS STOP!” “WATCH YOUR SMALL DOGS!” “ITS PROBABLY RABID!” Oh my god no. It’s just Roxy the fox. She’s lived here forEVER. Calm the hell down. Same neighbors who took a picture of Leonard, the slightly obese Labrador walking down the middle of the road and reported a REALLY LARGE COYOTE sighting.

    In short, I hate people.

    Oh and my mom still insists on the 10 hour lead time at the airport, plus you MUST print her boarding pass which she starts asking you about 186 hours in advance. And will then check again every 10 minutes.

    Fog is water vapor, June. Caused by cooling air turning the moisture to mist. It’s one of my favorite things… so mysterious!

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    1. People on NextDoor can basically suck my dick. I have one woman in my neighborhood losing her mind because a perfectly healthy-looking cat keeps appearing in her yard. IS THIS YOUR KITTY? Jesus lady, the cat is fine. As Talu would say, Get lyfe.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Thank you, my answer about fog is, obviously, wrong. I should read the comments before I made a comment.
      Tee

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  21. 1. Here’s to your faithful readers who contributed so we can continue enjoying your not-blog.
    32. Milhous is a flirt.
    19. I saw a fox yesterday! I was so excited because it has been quite a while since my last sighting. SadieDog and I would occasionally see one on our morning walk. The other day someone posted a picture of a fox lounging in her driveway and was going nuts in a bad way as she was afraid it would eat her dog. No, but chipmunks beware.
    F. Hope you soon get to see Trudy.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. The science teacher’s bad toupee – that is why your writing is worth its weight in gold to me. Those dang one-liners in there and then back to our regularly scheduled hilarity.

    I would want to see the fox too!

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  23. I stopped watching RHOC years ago, but I am intrigued by the tea you just spilled and I may need to pick it back up!

    Nothing happening here in NoVA, today. Only wildlife are (is?) the two puppies, now napping. Gray and rainy again (third day in a row.. I’ve lost count). Work. Tuesday. Blah.

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  24. One of our IT guys wears a really bad toupee. His toupee stops about an inch before his hairline starts so he’s got a stripe of nothing. It’s awful. One year the whole IT group dressed as the Blue Man Group, but Mr. Wong of the bad toupee still put his bald cap over his toupee and then painted it blue. Terrible.

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  25. Milhous started figure-8ing Trudy, she backed nervously away, and he ate the food you left out for her. She is avoiding him.

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  26. It’s 6:15 over here and I am getting a serande from a perfectly fine cat, so I feel very in sync with you today. I saw a fox one time when we were illegally burying our cat on the boundaries of a state park. It was before pet cremation was a thing. There was a baby bear in my old neighborhood last week. He ambled around and ended up asleep in a tree. He was marvelous. I hope Trudy comes to visit you soon.

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