Blew by you

Remember yesterday, when I said my Google machine mentioned a hurricane statement, like a hurricane got behind a podium with papers and a glass of water?

Dang. I guess I didn’t really think it through. I was all, What’s with all the wind and rain?

I put this video (veeeeedeo) on Instagram yesterday with the caption, Everyone knows it’s windy and then I married self in a simple ceremony and I really need to get over that line.

My power went out about 9:30 yesterday morning. And oh, it tried not to go off. I’ve heard from neighbors we are on the same grid as the hospital, so we hardly ever lose power. Who knows if that’s true, although the hospital is refreshingly close by. But the thing happened where there was a click and it got dark, then it clicked back on, then off, and it was a real struggle between good and evil, there. But finally, my whole house went, RRRrrrrrrr. And died.

“Well, I have plenty of power in my laptop,” I smugged, not realizing I had no internet, and therefore could not download, or upload, or send any work via email. And I don’t know if you’ve gleaned that since the pandemic, my workplace is hardly mellow yellow. They aren’t haha! OK! Well, free day off! Haha!

No.

So I had to somehow think of a way to keep working, without driving over there with the germs and trees falling on my head.

Because, yes, trees were falling. That there is a fallen tree from Forest’s cemetery. I’m glad he wasn’t in it. He was, however, just dying to go out. I was all, Are you fekking kidding me? LOOK at it out there, Forest!

Meeep!

He didn’t care. He totally honey badgered the situation. However, I am taller so I prevailed.

Will you hang on a minute? I need to stand up and adjust my robe so it actually covers me. It’s cold this morning. I guess the hurricane blew in the fall.

…OK.

My phone still had internet, who knows why, but I recently switched plans and it turns out my new plan has no hotspot. A few weeks ago I could have internetted my laptop with my phone. Internetted is a fine word. Also, I remember those few heady months I dated Dick Whitman, he said when choosing dating profiles, any woman who listed Las Vegas as a hotspot was automatically out. Back then, on Match, they had a listing for “favorite hotspots,” which is dumb. I think I said “from my phone” and now we’re full circle lift the baby lion boom.

Eventually I ended up taking a photo of the Word doc I’d fixed and texting it to a coworker, along with a long boring description of what I fixed. The next thing I worked on was blissfully long, so I didn’t have to worry, How Ima get these changes over for many hours. By the time I was done, the power came back on.

So that was yesterday. Oh, I wish you coulda seen the sky. Forest wished the same thing, with his meep! He was totally Helen Hunt in that tornado movie. He was pulling on a little tank top and heading into it all.

My pal Lottie Blanco told me that Helen Hunt movie is a favorite of lesbians because of Helen Hunt’s constant tank top wearage. I had no idea. I can never get past Helen Hunt’s fivehead.

Anyway, the sky. The clouds were in a hurry. They weren’t meandering by as clouds do. They were late for something. I was worried sick about my baby trees but they came through it fine. I have this lineup of little lights on metal poles all along my walkway, and at the end they were all leaning to the left like they were doing a cheer. Lean to the left, lean to the right, stand up, sit down, fight fight fight.

I know there is one person from 6th grade who was on cheerleading with me who sometimes reads this blog and I wonder if she will read it today and be all, Oh my god, lean to the left. And then she’ll picture herself doing it in her black-and-white cheerleading uniform. Our exciting colors were black and white. We had precisely zero black people in our—wait. No. Two. We had precisely two black people in our school: Daphne and Regina. I was friends with Daphne and Regina and I can’t believe I forgot about them. We all traded spend-the-nights at each other’s houses, and at Daphne’s house we found a letter her mom had written some man and we read it out loud. I’m certain her mom would have been delighted to know this. I remember it said she wanted to sit down and work things out. She underlined work things out.

Women are forever thinking you can sit down and work things out, but in my experience with any man, I have never worked anything out with them. In my experience, you talk and you talk and they remain purposely obstuse, or they change the subject, and you end up frustrated and eventually bitter and they say, What do you mean you don’t want to have sex anymore?

That’s my experience.

I hope Daphne’s mom had better luck. I hope she worked things out, underline.

I’d better go. I got groceries yesterday and want to try my new power waffles. I have great hopes for them, much like how I believed Wonder Bread would make me strong because the ads said it would. I would literally eat a piece of Wonder Bread and then say, “Gramma, try to lift me,” and my nice grandmother, not the one I turned into, would make a great show of not being able to pick me up because I had gotten so strong from that white bread and in truth I weighed 17 pounds.

Anyway, if something wonderful happens thanks to my power waffles I will alert you without hesitation.

Meep,
June

P.S. I forgot to say that the headache place canceled because hurricane. They blew me off. BAHAHAHAHA. Anyway now I go Tuesday. Unless there’s another natural disaster.

48 Comments

  1. I just want to say you’re all amazing and you bring a comfort and happiness reading you and your comments.

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  2. Although I want no harm to befall you, I’m glad the hurricane went your direction and not mine. We’ve had enough of that nonsense! That was a fast moving storm – I’m thankful you aren’t trapped under something heavy.

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  3. You’re on fire with this post, Coot. I hope I can work “now we’re full circle lift the baby lion boom” into a conversation soon.

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  4. So many funnies here, but I was distracted by Paula mentioning Hank Azaria and everything else I was going to mention is gone. I’m old!

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    1. I was going to say the same…all kinds of funnies today. My favorite is the Helen Hunt five head remark. I sooooo can’t stand her.

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  5. I live in Northern California, near the foothills. PG&E has begun to frequently turn off the power because of fire danger. No electricity then no water, as I rely on a well for water. I can put up with no electricity but the water getting switched off is very inconvenient. You have some beautiful trees in your yard per the video… very nice.

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  6. Seeing as coastal Southern California does not get hurricanes, we rarely lose power here. I think the last time we had a power failure was several years ago. In July. On a 100+ degree day. We sat on our patio, playing Cards Against Humanity for a few hours while listening to iTunes on the Bluetooth speaker. The power failure lasted several hours and when it came back on, you could hear cheering all up and down the street. I can’t even imagine losing power for 2 weeks.

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  7. A lot of grocery stores here (Arizona) have good enough wi-fi and you can park close and use it. Maybe not everywhere? This was a great post! It looked like someone by your shed – hmmm .
    You had a lot more wind than I thought you would have – almost like when we had Irene in Emerald Isle in 2011…haha. Crazy hurricanes. Poor big tree though!

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  8. “I put this video (veeeeedeo) on Instagram yesterday with the caption, Everyone knows it’s windy and then I married self in a simple ceremony and I really need to get over that line.”

    The above sentence is so completely worth having that simpering song going through my mind now. Simple ceremonies are the best.

    My other favorite version of That Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpGyb202mWw

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    1. These power waffles were, in fact, by the same manufacturer who fooled me into eating pancake batter that one time. BTW, the pancake batter was better than the cooked waffles.

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  9. Back a long time ago (because I don’t remember the year) Hurricane Ike and his remnants made it up here to Ohio. We lost power for like three or four days. I remember playing Uno by lantern light. Well, during one of those days my stupidly brave husband and his daughter wanted to walk about the neighborhood and assess the damage. We started walking and I was following them and then BOOM a GIANT tree branch landed about three feet in front of me. I told them they were crazy and turned back to the house. Now whenever it is windy they ask if I want a helmet to go outside. Hilarious. Not really.

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    1. I rode out Andrew in Chloe Louisiana because my boyfriend didn’t want to leave. I should have left and never returned. Thats another story. I laid in bed all night listening to trees falling all around the house waiting for one to fall on us. It didn’t fall on us but one fell right beside the bedroom missing us by a few feet. So I am there with you.

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    2. Oh I remember Ike well. It came ashore here. Most of my neighborhood was without power for two WEEKS. We had power because we’re on the same grid as the fire station. We had various neighbors in and out doing laundry, friends’ kids here to play in air conditioning, and heavy duty extension cords from our houses across the street and into theirs. We had meat parties most night with everyone barbecuing their freezer contents.
      We only lost power in Harvey for 1 day. Nbd, but we had 60 inches of water here, so, not a picnic.

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  10. Glad you are safe and power was restored. Trees are down all over Atlanta and some areas won’t get power restored until late Sunday night. While it was out here for seven hours, I can’t count the number of times I walked into a room, turned on the light switch and nothing happened. Right then I knew.

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  11. Lovely post Coot. I am so glad you are safe and the Helen Forest Hunt did not cow chase.
    Having survived many a hurricane I can tell you it is highly important to have a backup everything. My favorite product I bought was a wind up radio. We lost electricity for 2 weeks after Hugo and I would get up and crank my arm off to listen to them tell us we didn’t have electricity. Maybe they have hand crank internet. If not drive to the hospital parking lot. Chances are they do.

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  12. The picture in my head of Forrest in his tiny tank top is making me giggle like a loon.
    Lovely post, June

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  13. Helen Hunt? I like her but I just don’t see her as a sex symbol for anyone. I mean, she was adorable in Mad About You, until she wasn’t, and rather intense in Twister and As Good As It Gets, but I just don’t see it. What’s-her-face in Twister, ummmm Jami Gertz! she has more sex appeal. Plus also too, I was always annoyed at Helen Hunt for dating Hank Azaria for years, finally marrying him, but very briefly, dumping him, marrying someone else, moving to Hawaii and having a baby. Like any of that had any impact whatsoever on my life.

    We have that storm today, with the added ingredient of snow. I had to wear my serious winter coat today (as opposed to my joking-around winter coat) and it’s still October. Lu annoy.

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      1. You know (I know you know) he was Murray’s dog-walker, and quite hilarious, in Mad About You (“Let’s go, Furry Murray”). And of course, Agador in The Birdcage (“I do not wear the ‘tzoos’ because they make me fall down.”) OMG, I have to watch The Birdcage again.

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          1. Me, too! I remember one episode when Paul and Jamie returned home to find Murray standing on the table. Isn’t the show coming back? Being “rebooted?”

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  14. Forest preparing to go out in the weather with his Helen Hunt tank top was a great image. So true. Anytime I think of that movie it goes hand in hand with tank top imagery.

    We did not have a hurricane in Chicago, but for some odd reason our internet went down for 15 minutes on Monday. My e-learning crowd was NOT happy. I am not a techie type and could do nothing but shrug.

    Lack of internet did not impact the youngest since she (we realized a bit later) was still sleeping. No one noticed that she was missing school. Snoozed to 10:17 am when her sister discovered her in bed out cold. Ah, to be 12.

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  15. My experience with talking things out with men is the man will say what he thinks he’s supposed to say and hope that’s the end of it. And not change anything. We don’t lose power very often so I always forget the weird things that don’t work. Like the garage door opener.

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  16. I love so many things about this post today but I think my favorite is Forest pulling on his tank top to head out into the storm.

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  17. Were you able to make it to the headache doctor yesterday? I was curious about the outcome. Maybe he’ll recommend Botox – and it will be covered by insurance!!

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  18. My body aches from the arthur-itis in this weather and we do not have winds like yours but some wind and plenty of rain. I am having caffeine and an Aleve chaser.

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    1. Oh, I have that a lot. For my heads. Just the idea of it makes me feel vaguely nauseated, as I always am if I have to resort to the coffee/Aleve breakfast.

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      1. I need to have food with it. NSAIDS are rough on the gut but they are great on serious pain for me. I do Tylenol Arthritis usually.

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  19. FYI, most McDonald’s have free internet, and you can usually sit outside in your car and get a weak signal.

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