I’m going to ignore everything roiling around me and this country and talk about my head. I wish you could see my cuticles—I’ve bitten them to within an inch of their cuticle lives.
Ten years ago, I went to a headache specialist here in town. He didn’t laugh at any of my hilarious jokes, but he did tell me several crucial things about my migraines. For one, he told me I had to give up caffeine. He said I had a delicate brain, which I loved, and that caffeine was just too much for it, which if you ask me cannot be true because I been lovin’ caffeine since I’m 15 and look how well I turned out.
He also gave me a list of migraine-safe foods I could eat, which consisted of water, lettuce and chicken.
He also put me on Topamax, and the weight fell off of me, and I weighed less than I had since I hit 30. It was magnificent. Oh, and it helped with migraines! The only thing is, it made me stupid. Like, seriously. I couldn’t think of words, and I kind of need to be able to think for my job.
I stayed on Topamax for about six months before I missed thinking and so I went off of it and gained all the weight back and oh! Another thing Topamax did was make carbonated drinks taste flat. It happened on day one. I took my first Topamax and stampeded to McDonald’s, and said, “Oh, their Coke is broken.”
So I was excited to get fat and migrainous and drink a soda again.
Anyway, the final blow for me seeing that doctor 10 years ago was he wanted me to have these nerve shots, like I’m not nervous enough. They were to help my neck, which is always stiff. I like to keep a stiff upper neck.
Ten years ago, and have I established when it was yet? It was 10 years ago. I went in there for m’nerve shots, not worried about it at all, when
I got this WAVE of nausea, and according to the nurse turned green like the Wicked Witch of the Migraine, and as throwing up is my personal phobia, I ran out of there and never went back.
My migraines are horrendous as of late. I get them almost every day. Days I DON’T get them I think, “Oooo! No migraine today!”
That’s no way to live.
So I put on my mask, which makes me panic but I do it anyway, and headed into the office, there, and filled out 47 yards of paperwork (Do you get headaches? Do you get bad headaches? Does your head hurt when you get headaches? Are your headaches located in your head? Hey, by the way, how are your headaches?) and then had an EKG to see if — well, they told me what they were looking for but I forget.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I have a heart, so then they took 14 vials of blood to see — well, they told me what they were looking for but I forget. I just know they said if they don’t call it’s good news. Or they forgot. Whichev.
Then the doctor walked in. He’s one of those people I see all the time. Do you have people like that? I’ve seen him at Target. I saw him at a beer place once, splitting a giant pretzel with a pretty woman.
“That would be my wife,” he said, when I delivered this dialogue. Have I mentioned he doesn’t laugh at any of my spectacular jokes? I know I made some yesterday but I forget.
Look, I slept like one hour last night. I’m tense. I’m trying to ignore. Have I showed you my cuticles, or lack thereof?
I did a series of tests, not like with a scantron sheet or a blue book, but to prove I don’t have anything in my brain except sparkles and kittens. After testing everything, the doctor said
wait for it
I have migraines.
Then he said he’d like to do those nerve block shots again.
Oh my god.
“They’ll really help,” he said, and I relayed the story of last time he did them, and how the paper sheet my I was lying face-down on had a Shroud of Greensboro on it from my sweaty nauseated face, and how I was green—GREEN. And we all know it’s not easy being green.
He said he’d go slowly.
So I can very slowly get nauseated.
“Does anyone actually throw up from the shots?” I asked him tensely.
“Just young thin women,” he said pointedly. Then he sort of looked me up and down. “Women with really low blood pressure.”
I may be old and fat, by my blood pressure is always 14 over 4.
So we made an appointment for me to go get the damn shots, and I do have to say once the nausea passed last time my neck felt marvelous, but mother of god I am scared.
Also, he gave me a diet of water, lettuce and chicken, which sounds familiar. And I have new preventative pills to take, not Topamax but something else, but the side effect is weight loss, which is good because I recently won the woman from This Is Us lookalike contest. Have I mentioned I’ve gained the weight?
Also also, he said I have to give up caffeine. Haven’t they advanced in 10 years? Haven’t they found ways to work around the whole caffeine thing? IT’S ALL I’VE GOT. Well. Apparently I’ve got food. See above. But now I have to give that up too.
“And, stop taking the Imitrex,” he said. “Just stop. It’s causing all these rebound migraines.”
I knew that, of course. I am taking way too much medicine. But to stop will mean I will have a horrid, horrid migraine with no drugs. He did prescribe me some other pills, a muscle relaxer, to sort of get me through the awfulness of that, but mother of god, I am not looking forward to that.
I have two weeks of vacation time I haven’t used, and am thinking of using it to Trainspot self off the Imitrex. Doesn’t that sound like a delight? Doesn’t it sound relaxing?
So that’s where I am with that. Oh, and I have to be very regulated about sleep, which I really do try to do, and then I got my one hour in last night so go me.
I can’t stand it. Ima do it slowly, not cold turkey. Like, in the morning, I have a small pot that makes four cups (pffft. Why are measurement never accurate? It makes two mugs. Who drinks CUPS like some sort of pansy?) and I usually make two pots of that. Today I am trying to live on just the one pot.
Then next week I will try to drink half that pot.
Then the week after that I plan to take my life in a simple ceremony. BECAUSE CAFFEINE.
Does anyone have any good chicken and lettuce and water recipes?