LAWN CHAIRS. Thank god.

It’s freezing out. I mean, it’s literally 29 degrees, and not only was everyone here but me begging to go out, now they’re refusing to come in. What gives? They’re out there naked, having a great time.

Yesterday it wasn’t much warmer, and Lily was on one of the yard chairs. What are those really called? It isn’t called a yard chair. I’m on one of those anti-seizure medications for migraines again (it’s working) and you know how I get when I’m on those. I can’t always think of words, necessarily. Anyway, she was on one of those outdoor chairs. Is that what they’re called? I have the top cushions folded down on top of the bottom cushions now, so she was on the double cushions like the princess and the pea, and she looked hunchy and cold to me. So I made an executive decision and picked her up to bring her inside.

And do you know when I picked her up, she felt absolutely warm? The combination of the sun, being close to the house, her fur, and being 100% body fat must have worked in her favor. She acquiesced to being moved indoors, of course, because she’s Lily and acquiesces to anything.

So, maybe being naked yet fur-covered is just fantastic and I’m missing out or something. Anyway no one will come in and if you ask me it seems awful and I’m happy to be inside where I have been since February.

Last night I DID attend a party. Virtually.

In college, I had this friend who I will very creatively call — No, wait, I do need a fake name for her. Hang on; let me go to the name generator and give her a name.

…In college, I had this friend named, yeah, Tricia Holloway. She had enormous bosoms. No, really, you have no idea. At the time there was this very fancy store called the Corset Shoppe, and I’d never set foot in there, but Tricia Holloway had to go there to get her FFF bras. You see now why I had to make up a name for her?

We worked together at not one but two places: a real place, where we worked at the PR offices of our college, and also at this family restaurant that served cocktails. We had pink-and-orange-striped uniforms. For the restaurant job, not the PR job.

I remember Tricia really hated the word “jizz” and who can blame her, so my boyfriend at the time came in, ordered me a girly drink for after my shift and said, “Put a little jizz of whipped cream on top” just to bug her.

Eventually, Tricia and I moved in together, because what’s better than living together after working two jobs together. We moved into this really cute apartment that was a house split up. We had the downstairs and these two guys who worked at the newspaper lived upstairs. They were a decent duo who sometimes came down and killed bugs for us.

That apartment had a fireplace and a porch swing and a built-in table in the kitchen. Man it was cute. We even had a little garden out back.

Anyway, time moved on and she moved away for some full-time job in another city and I had to get a new roommate and now here we are. Not that I’m still in that apartment with that second roommate watching 90210. That would be sad.

It really was a cute apartment though. It wouldn’t be all bad. It had a basement. I think we even had a washer and dryer. I remember Tricia, who was more practical than me and that narrows it down, looking at the laundry hookups and asking, “Is it a gas?” and I said, “Well, it’s FUN, but I don’t know if it’s a gas.”

No one likes me.

Anyway, I do have a point, here.

You know how you make Facebook friends with someone and then you never see them again? She and I made Facebook friends in aught 10 or something and I never saw one update or anything from her after that. So I don’t know if I purposely went over to her page or Facebook just finally decided to show me her, but I saw recently that she is dealing with stupid-ass chemo, and call me Sherlock but then I surmised she has cancer.

The very last thing I want to do is bug someone who has cancer. I mean, I don’t want to pepper them with questions or god forbid tell them about a juice mix that will help or what have you. But I did start leaving comments on her posts and just generally reminding her of my existence. Soon we were joking around and picking back up where we left off.

I don’t even know what kind of cancer it is, or I didn’t till last night.

“Hey, I’m selling SeneGence,” she wrote me. “Would you be irked if I invited you to my page?” she asked.

I get invited to about 50 of those pages a minute, but of course I wasn’t gonna be bugged if my friend with cancer, who I spent many years giggling with, invited me to her SeneGence page. Who named that product anyway? It sounds like a product name I’d have made up back when I played house.

Anyway, occasionally she’d have sales or announcements or what have you but I’d always forget to look, but yesterday she said she was going live in the evening. Fortunately, this time I remembered to go see her live.

I say fortunately because first of all, it was just good to see my old friend again. She of course had on a purple bandana—I forgot she was one of those purple people. Not literally. But have you ever noticed that people who like purple really, really get into liking purple? You don’t find someone who likes brown having everything brown, but purple people really get into it.

Anyway, there she was. And I forget that I actually like some people. She is one of them. She said hello to me when I logged on, which sort of made me feel like the Kim Kardashian of the event. Yes, yes, I’m here. It’s a worthwhile even now, pay me my $40,000.

But here’s the part that got me. Tricia said she wanted to go live not to talk about her products, but just to thank us. She said she just wanted to feel like a person again. She just wanted to have a reason to get up in the morning, to not wake up just feeling like the cancer patient. And that’s why she started selling these products. It gave her something to concentrate on other than cancer.

Oh my god, it killed me. It was just so graceful and lovely. I remembered all the reasons why I liked her, and why I’d forgiven her for filling up our back room with 47 cases of Clearly Canadian when we lived together.

She’s just such a good person. She always has been. I just hope she’s going to get through all this as quickly and as painlessly as possible. Also, Ima go ahead and buy her damn Genesis or Sensodyne or whatever it’s called.

I think that’s the first time I ever had a spiritual experience attending an MLM party.

Love,
June

48 thoughts on “LAWN CHAIRS. Thank god.

  1. I’m having my last chemo treatment this Tuesday! I’ve been going through this since June! Being bald sucks! It is really hard to find a purpose when you are going through cancer, it consumes your life. It’s an endless parade of doctor appointments. If there is any way I can get to her page I would love to support her business!

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  2. Lovely post, cancer changes a person, makes you appreciate life and not sweat the small things, those things just don’t matter anymore. Very glad to hear your migraine meds are working, whooo care if you don’t have the words, your writing is still wonderful.

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  3. I am a purple person. You’re totally right. I wish much luck and a healthy next year to Tricia of the big bossoms. Thank you for writing this, Juniper

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  4. Lovely post! That brand has some great lip colors that supposedly stay on forever. I have a few Facebook friends that sell it.

    Also, Lily is my favorite.

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  5. If there is any sort of silver lining in this frigging pandemic, it is learning more about virtual technology and actually using it. I mean, Skype has been around forever, but I never thought to really use it for connecting with people. I hate phone calls because I am hard of hearing and rely a lot on lip reading, so using Zoom or Facetime has been great. Masks are a whole other story. I can’t really even go out in public alone because it’s so hard to understand what people are saying.

    Anyway, I came here primarily to ask if I could support her in any way by purchasing products from her. Does she have an online sales page like Avon reps. do? The products look pretty cool, actually.

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  6. A beautiful post, June. I’m happy you got to reconnect with your friend and I pray she will be healed of her cancer. That is one redeeming quality of Facebook, its ability to bring old friends together.

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  7. I’m so tired of cancer. Why can’t just murderers and child rapists get it instead?

    Lovely post, pretty June.

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  8. Lovely post, June! I wish your friend a very healthy 2021!
    I am not a big Facebooker. In fact I didn’t even join until 2018 (when everyone else was so over it) because part of my job description involves communication. I do enjoy seeing what old friends are doing with their lives. Ex: One woman I knew in college to be kind of a self-centered ding dong founded and runs a huge charity in her city! It’s really so impressive! Good on her, and I never would have known without FB.

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  9. There is so much here to love! Reconnecting with old friends, nostalgia for the days when you were poor and happy, beautiful pets, lovers of purple, and lots of Lily. I am sorry that your friend is going through the chemo. Let’s all pray that it works and you two can connect in real life next year.

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  10. My sister is a purple person. She started out normal and then something happened and she turned purple and then the purple thing blossomed and I don’t know if she wanted to stay a purple person, but now everyone treats her like a purple person and she can’t get a way from it even if she tried. Every holiday, birthday – everything always – every gift purple, all the freaking time. God forbid she gets something blue. Poor kid. It’s going to be a real Barney situation when she dies and we have to clean out her house.

    And I am 100% fat. Why am I cold all the time?

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  11. I am a purple person. You are 100% correct. I even had a purple car once.

    I am sorry about your friend. Truly. That sucks and I hate cancer and I know nobody likes it but damn. I hope she enjoyed talking with all of you in almost person.

    Also, am glad your medicine is helping. I can’t imagine that much head pain that often. You really are a very strong person.

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  12. Great post. I know how she feels….being the “sick girl” is horrible…almost skipped a couple of family events when I had no hair because I was always The One with Cancer. It’s a feeling you can’t describe…I hope she continues to get better.

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  13. I am similarly 100% body fat, but I still hate cold.
    Best wishes for Tricia. I’m looking forward to the day you tell us that she’s all better!

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  14. This sort of connection is the main reason I haven’t given up on Facebook. One connection like this makes most of the other stuff bearable. Also, I hate the FB algorithms showing me crap I could care less about and hiding important things.

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  15. Your friend does sound like a lovely person. Thank you for sharing her story with us. I wish her all the best wishes.
    Lily is too pretty to feel the cold. The end.

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  16. You and your fellow waitress with the comically huge bust lived in the downstairs apartment of an old house and 2 guys who worked for the newspaper (so we’ll assume they were somewhat serious and quiet and therefore natural character foils for you and your friend) lived upstairs and you’d call them to come downstairs and kill bugs for you, and if that’s not a set-up for the goofiest roommate double romcom ever, I don’t know what is.

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  17. I love this post. Old friends are the best because they love and appreciate the person you are inside. I hope your friend has a speedy recovery so you two can have more giggles!

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    1. Capelover, I couldn’t have said it better. June, I’m so glad you reconnected with Tricia, especially since you represent a fun time in her life. She sounds like a truly lovely lady and I wish her all the best.

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  18. I am picturing your apartment with the two guys upstairs like Laverne and Shirley and Lennie and Squiggy. Am I the only one?

    Glad you reconnected. She sounds delightful.

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  19. Your comment about purple people hit the nail on the head!! I’m giggling like a school girl as I look around my house!! It is always fun to catch up with old friends on FB. Great post, June.

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  20. Omg Clearly Canadian. I loved that shit and felt very sophisticated drinking it. I haven’t thought about that in years.

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    1. I always wanted to like it, but I could taste that fake aftertaste. It kept me from trying my beloved oh what’s it called. Dammit. Damn the anti-seizure. That carbonated water with LA CROIX. It kept me from trying La Croix.

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  21. I’m so glad you got to see her and hear her! That really makes all the FB weirdness the other 364 days a year worth it. I hope she comes through this and the door hits cancer’s ass on the way out.

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  22. What a beautiful post June. Lisa said it perfectly… you start with the funny and then hit me in the heart. I hope your friend is recovers quickly and fully – she sounds like a lovely person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, she really is. What I remember about her is once we were leaving Arby’s, because we were 22 and ate lunch at Arby’s, and she said, “I HATE hot days like this when my thighs rub together” and I said, “Yeah.” And she got all mad at me. “YOUR THIGHS HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN EACH OTHER!” She was right. I weighed like 119. I was trying to have empathy!

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      1. OH, and funny too. Why do the best people get cancer? I will add her to the prayer list. I hope she recovers. Old friends are good for the soul, you can’t replace those youthful memories

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    2. Lovely post Coot.
      I am so glad you got to see your friend.
      OMG, the brain fog that comes with migraine meds. I have it bad enough without the meds. The other day I asked my Kahuna if he would hand me a monkey stick because I couldn’t think of the word banana.
      Why is it our animals insist on traipsing out in the cold? I always tell mine that I don’t have fur, get your ass inside.

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  23. Aww. Poor friend. I know what she means about waking up and thinking, damn I have cancer because in my dreams I didn’t have cancer.
    Senegense lipsense packs a punch. I don’t know if it has pure alcohol or what, but that stuff stings and stays on for the rest off all time.

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  24. I hope all goes well with Tricia Holloway. I would love to spend a day as a cat, naked and furry and I don’t think they have cellulite.

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  25. You lead with the funny and then hit me in the heart. Facebook isn’t good for much, but friendship revivals are a plus.

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    1. Oh also too – one of our current resident dogs wanted out like four times during the night last night. I mean, good girl if it’s tummy trouble. BUT it was the call of the wild that was enticing her – the coyotes were out howling at the full moon. Then she goes out and stands there, transfixed and refuses to come back inside. At 2:15 AM this is not fun. This is also the dopey dog that will require you to close and re-open the glass door while she is watching you before she will come inside. All because she ran full-bore into the closed door ONE TIME. So there I am at 1:15 and 2:15 and 3:15, urging her to come inside, waving that door open and closed under the full moon like a lunatic.

      Liked by 6 people

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