If you’re a migraine person you might feel me: Often you get them AFTER something. After an interview, or a party, or a holiday. After the late gig.
Anyway. Despite having not a very stressful week, I woke up Saturday with just a hint of a migraine, just a whiff of one. The way you can smell snow before it gets there.
“GodDAMMIT,” I said, throwing the bedclothes back. Well, THIS will be a fun weekend. I did all my cleaning things with it lurking there. I read my romance magazines while it stabbed at me just a bit more as the day went by.
The migraine doctor has me take nothing right now. Well, that’s not true. He has me take this phony muscle relaxer, which I do have to admit sort of blunts the pain somehow, but I am only allowed to take it twice a week. Fortunately I am now getting migraines every 8 days so it’s not been a problem but I can’t KNOW that when I first get one, so I put off the taking of the relaxer till I really need it.
All I was living for Saturday was 8:00, when the Bee Gees documentary was going to be on HBO. I don’t HAVE HBO, and people are very helplessly saying the same thing on the internet and it sort of drives me berserk when people don’t—god helps those who help themselves, you know. That’s what my gym teacher said to me in high school and that’s what I say to the “But I don’t HAVVVVVE HBO” people.
I also feel this purse-lipped about people who think the phrase “all of a sudden” is “all the sudden.”
You can TRY HBO for a WEEK for FREE. And that is what I am doing now, and who want to bet I will be hooked and end up paying $15 a month for HBO, hmmm? It’s how they gitchya.
By the time 8:00 rolled around, I had an entire migraine going. I bought this ice crown online some time ago, so I wore that, to sort of put pressure on my head and also, you know, ice it.
The documentary was good, although I already knew 89% of it. If you’re a real Bee Gees aficionado you’ll recognize a lot of the footage and some of the interviews, but what can you do? Three of the four are dead (if you include Andy).
But it was still good, and I still learned some new things, and the end killed me, so at 10:00 I took my head to bed.
I woke up Sunday with a raging migraine.
“GodDAMMIT,” I said, throwing the blankets back. I had nausea now, too. I stumbled to the bathroom, because also dizzy, and I grabbed my bonus toothbrush.
We’d gotten Christmas bonuses at work, and I was excited to get one. The day they were to come, my toothbrush fell off the shelf and into the toilet, so I had to spend my bonus money—yes, all of it—on a new toothbrush.
I told this story on (Face)Book of June and I have two things to say.
First of all, oh my god. Would you really drop your toothbrush in the toilet, then “just rinse it off” and use it again? Really? And it wouldn’t make you totally sick just thinking of that every time you brushed your teeth? In a million years I could never get over that. I guess it’s like how I saw the shed snakeskin in my shed, and say shed more often, and now I can’t enjoy my shed. Maybe the snake took the word “shed” literally.
Honestly I’ve thought of having the whole thing torn down. I won’t, because where would I store my crap like my Christmas decorations and shovel, but I can’t have any fun in there anymore. Even in winter, I’m all, “This place is crawling with snakes.”
That’s how I’d be about that toilet toothbrush.
Also, my toothbrush is high dollar. For YEARS, every time I went to the dentist, they’d ask me, “And do you floss?” Oh, that rankled, as I have floss next to the couch and next to the bed and in my makeup drawer. I floss alla goddamn time. I’m Flossy, Mopsy and Cottontail’s sister.
Also, every time I went to the dentist, which I haven’t done all year, they’d find something wrong. This tooth needs a filling, this gum has receded, this whatever needs whatever. And when they did that thing where they stick that pointy thing in your gums and say, “Three, four, three”? They were SUPPOSED to be saying, “One, two, one.”
So I asked what I could do and they recommended this Sonicare toothbrush and so I got it and I’M LYIN’ I’M DYIN’, they have never asked if I floss ever since and also too I no longer get threes and fours in that gum reading and I haven’t had things like GUM SURGERY in decades now.
Prior to that, I had been using $30 electric toothbrushes you get at the CVS.
So that is why I spent all my bonus money on a replacement toothbrush, which I was staring at as I fought off nausea yesterday morning as my head throbbed and my body wavered with dizziness.
And as all that was happening, I tried not to cry because crying makes migraines worse. But for some reason, in my head I heard,
“I’m Barbara Walters. And THIS is 2020.”
And then I giggled. It sure is. Fekking 2020.