Fourteen years ago today, I began nkogging—
nkogging. Ding DANG it. That’s the Eskimo word for it. There are several Eskimo words for it.
Blogging. I began BLOGGING. I am not at all eating Christmas cookies with one hand and typing (nkogging) with the other. Later I’ll share how to lose inches off your hips and yeah no I won’t.
Is “Eskimo” racist now?
Anyway, 14 years ago today I began nkogging, and all those 14 years culminated in me driving myself berserk last night.
As you know, from your years of sitting over there adding inches to your hips (there are several Eskimo words for your widening hips) at the end of each year I do a little wrap-up video, a veeeedeo, as my grandmother would pronounce it.
For delightful 2020, I thought of just showing “January” and then me living my life normally. “February” and then me recovering from surgery. Did you know I had surgery? Then from “March” to “December,” just photos of my living room.
I adored myself for this, and strummed love songs for self on my guitar. I gazed at self in mirror like I was Jodie Foster as Nell. “Chick-o-pay.” “Nkogging.”
But then I saw I had some really very cute photos of LIFE INSIDE THIS HOUSE, so I decided to make a traditional veeeeedeo anyway. After culling and Edward Cullen-ing all my photos, I gathered them together to hear the Lord’s blessing and then I had to decide what music to use for my masterpiece that any idiot with a Mac and cheesy taste could make.
And that was when I discovered I have added no new music this year. None. Not one song. I think it’s because I’ve spent the whole year going, “You’re kidding” and also “Chick-o-Pay.”
Remember Chick-O-Sticks? Those were good.
Look! It would appear that not only do Chick-O-Sticks still exist, you can buy them by the box! Later I’ll show you how to lose inches from your — yeah no, I won’t.
So I asked all y’all all on Facebook yesterday if you knew any good songs I could put on my end-of-year video and you had really pretty songs and I tried some of them but they didn’t go, “Yeah, HELL YEAH,” when I played them with my riveting 48 pictures of Lily.
So I looked around and somehow stumbled on this.
Oh my shattered ass, I just loved it. I looked at the lyrics in English to make sure they didn’t say, I love eating cats or anything. Yay, I found my song! My 2020 song!
So I downloaded it on my phone, plugged my ding-dang phone into my ding-dang laptop, and?
I mean, ANY OTHER TIME, my phone and desktop sync, no problem. This time? I had a problem. It wouldn’t sync so hard that I had to call Apple Care, and that never ends in happy for me.
The woman at Apple Care was a lovely person, but we couldn’t sync and she had to get her supervisor but you know what? We finally got that damn song to sync. To le sync. And just as we were about to hang up, I said, “Hang on.”
Because there in my slide show, I could finally SEE the song, but it was grayed out. I could SEE the song but I could not USE the song. I could use ANY OTHER SONG from ANY OTHER TIME I had ever downloaded songs but not that one.
Let me tell you what.
I ended up talking to her supervisor, then I ended up talking to iTunes, then Apple Music or something, then everyone’s supervisor, then Bill Gates, then the inventor of the internet, then the inventor of computers, then the inventor of music, then that inventor’s supervisor, and at
EIGHT P.M., I finally said, “I am exhausted and wish to quit for today.”
They gave me a case number and we hung up.
The best part of this is, for most of the time they had to share my screen. “Ope, you’re on Do Not Disturb,” the first guy told me. Normally, the top-right corner of my screen tells me when anyone IMs me or texts me or calls me or thinks fondly of me or reads my nkog or eats a Chick-O-Stick. I turned off Do Not Disturb. “You’ll see why I have it set to that,” I said.
Five minutes later, he was all, “Holy crow, you weren’t kidding!”
Are the rest of your lives like this? Do you get texts and instant messages almost every minute all day every day? If so, do you wonder if other people have, you know, jobs and responsibilities or do they just send messages all the time or what? What’s going on in the world?
Anyway, (I swear to all that is holy and merciful I JUST GOT A TEXT just now at 8:25 a.m.) I give up on that song. And now it’s the ONLY SONG I WANT. And no matter how good my veeeedeo is I will hate it because I can’t have that song.
So that wraps that up (I swear to all that is holy and merciful I JUST GOT ANOTHER TEXT)
(I JUST GOT ANOTHER ONE)
So that wraps up (STOP TEXTING MEEEEEEEE)
So that wraps up the saga of my end-of-year veeeedeo and you will see it at the end of the year and be sure to text or IM me about it.