Tanning booth ferry

The holidays are over, unless you don’t count it till Washington’s birthday or something. And now we must return to the nonstop rush of working from our living rooms.

Have you ever seen that Progressive commercial where the woman is trying to watch TV and her boyfriend wants her to feel his forearms because he thinks they got bigger from twirling his sign? Then he picks up the giant sign and twirls it right in front of her face, and the whole time she’s trying to watch her TV show?

See, that there is why I will never NOT live alone, but also, that there is me every morning when I’m typing at you. Because Forest has a routine. And also a delicious poutine he wants to give you the recipe for.

I don’t know what it is, but the moment I open this laptop, he leaps up here and floops between me and the screen, and he never alights, so I’m constantly moving my head back and forth to SEE, and also he has no control of his CLAWNS yet, and yes I called them clawns. So he gleefully purr-paws just anywhere on me, purr-paws with abandon, cramming his razor kitten clawns on my arteries or eye sockets or fingertips or he doesn’t give a shit. He’s just so HAPPY.

Anyway, hi. How was everyone’s Christmas if you’re into Christmas, and new year, which you have to be into, I don’t care how unique you want to be. “Oh, I’m a vegan pagan who can smell numbers. We don’t have a new year.”

As I said I would, because as we all know I stick to my word like it’s glue, for NYE I did get a pupcake for Edsel and pie for me (lemon custard) at a place that closed at 5, a thing they didn’t tell me till like 2 minutes to 5:00. I’d placed the order to pick up later. 5:00 was one of the choices. They had all day to tell me.

Anyway, I made it, five minutes late but they were there anyway.

Then I watched the Laura Ingalls Wilder special on the PBS.

Back before the internet, when our lives were normal and we looked at each other during dinner, there was this weekly paper in Seattle called The Stranger. It’s probably still there. Anyway, in the back was a dating … I don’t even know what you’d call it. The personal ads? Like in the pina colada song?

I met several men using The Stranger’s dating … area, as men who advertised in there were my type. It never occurred to me to place my own ad, but it didn’t really deem itself necessary as I always had great luck just answering them.

I can no longer remember where I was going with this.

Oh! Yes I can. I remember one guy’s ad said that, in profile, he looked just like the “P” in the PBS logo.

That made me giggle for six hours, and I didn’t answer his ad, I forget why. He probably said he was a vegan pagan who tasted months, but now here I am an old woman who shall wear purple and I still giggle at that and I think we can all agree he was clearly my soulmate, if I believed such a disgusting thing existed.

It was all so exciting then. In my late 20s/early 30s. It felt like any day you could just leave the house and meet some dude, and many times I did. In my Seattle days, I met men all sorts of ways. Once on the ferry when some ferry worker was charmed by my wiles.

Once in a bar when I ripped the label off my beer, wrote my phone number on it, walked up to a man and handed it to him and walked out.

Once when a man came to have his taxes done at the accounting firm where I answered phones, and I told him fun places to go, as he was new in town. The next day he sent two (2) bouquets of flowers and an invitation to go to the places I’d suggested.

Once I was at a bar with my women friends, and hadn’t planned to go out at all that night so I’d put in little effort, and someone came in selling roses and a — he was cute now that I think about it — man bought one and had it sent over to me from across the room.

I did not give the time of day to any of these men except for the beer label one, as I had picked him out myself. In retrospect, they were probably all better fits than beer label guy, whom I dated for two years and had little in common with. He was the type of person who got the orange drink at McDonald’s.

Oh, except for that guy on the ferry. He was an even worse fit. He WORKED on the ferry, and they probably had rules about picking up women at work, but All This, who can resist. Anyway, I had at the time the latest accoutrements on my phone that most people didn’t: caller ID, call waiting, conference calling. I had these things because I made $22,500 a year answering phones at that accounting firm, so why not?

Anyway, that ferry guy called me to firm up our plans, but what he did not know is that I could tell he was calling me from a tanning place.

A tanning place. And I don’t mean he had some hides he needed to take care of.

So. He was not for me. Old George Hamilton ferry worker, over there.

I have no idea how I went from spinning Geico signs to missed romance from the ’90s, but these are the rides you take when you climb aboard old June, here.

Did you make any New Year’s resolutions? I did not. I figure it’s enough just to muddle through this whole … time until things get better. I don’t also need to learn inner peace and acceptance of men who go to tanning salons.

Oh, and speaking of inner peace, I did something stupid. I read online about this new year tarot reading you could give yourself, and it made itself seem like it wasn’t a “here’s what’s gonna happen this year” reading. It made itself seem like more of a “here is some guidance about the last year and what will help you in the year ahead” type of deal. Because I know myself and if I get any bad news it will ruin the whole year.

There were categories, and I was humming along beautifully. It said I felt trapped last year, like I was stuck. HAHAHAHAHA. Thanks. Funny. Then it said it was my own mind trapping me and not any outward things. HAHAHAHAHAHA. News flash. Anyway, it LURED me into the category of “health and well-being” and I

SHOULDA SKIPPED IT

because I know how I am. But I got the six of wands in reverse, which means some condition I thought was gone might rear its head this year.

Then I spent the entire night in a cold panic.

OK. First of all, they’re tarot cards. They’re supposed to be sort of fun and you sort of half don’t believe them at all. At least that’s how I see them. When they DO come true, you go, Holy shit, really?

Then also, have I ever had anything scary or serious? I have not. I have THOUGHT that I have had things that are scary or serious and they were not. So what could come back? Migraines. Plantar fasciitis. Maybe that thing I had. What was it? That thing that hurts that you get after chicken pox. Skillets or skittles or what the hell is it called?

You know, my hypochondria used to be this charming little quirk I had, but now it’s getting on my nerves and takes up about 70% of my thoughts. Like, now it really actually scares me. I find it annoying and wish I had something more entertaining to think about.

In summation, I wish I hadn’t read that card. Because I already ruined 2021. Only 361 more days to go.

I’d better go start complaining about the part where I have no work to do yet today. The thing about my job is I’m at the end, and this is very much the beginning, so I’m not surprised. And yet? I have to have something on my time sheet for right now, so you can see my conundrum.

Focusedly,
Juan

36 thoughts on “Tanning booth ferry

  1. I don’t know about tarot cards so I had to look up the meanings. I found this:
    “The 6 of Wands reversed is a positive omen. It can mean that despite delays and challenges, that things you have been hoping for or working on may finally come through. This is not a time to let fear hold you back.” So, it’s all good.

    I loved: “Oh, I’m a vegan pagan who can smell numbers. We don’t have a new year.”
    This, of course, is said with a dismissive sniff and an unspoken, “You wouldn’t understand.”
    Funny stuff, June.

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  2. I do not make resolutions any more, but this year I decided to start eating sensibly and getting out and walking again. Mainly, I feel better if I take care of myself (duh!).
    My daughter is a pagan vegan. I am not sure she can smell numbers or colors, though.

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  3. No resolutions for me, don’t want to sabotage myself more than usual. No covid vaccine either, waiting to see what happens in the longer run.
    So enjoyed your dating stories and your carefree attitude. Friends like you are a treasure to run with in our youth. Life is to be lived to the fullest! Happy New Year everyone!

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  4. Dear Juan. Things have been crappy over here. I’ve gone into serious shock about my age next Friday. I don’t care that other people think it’s just another day or you’re only as old as you feel. Now is not that time. So , a new year, an older age soon and the guy Ive been hanging out with for the past 6 months is fading away. As we tend to think in the same manner, yes, that means, at the moment, that 2021 is doomed.

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    1. I’m sorry, Dancer, that’s a crummy feeling. I hope you will get some treats and be nice to yourself.

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  5. A vegan pagan who can smell numbers!
    GOLD! This whole post made me laugh!
    The type of person who gets the orange drink at McDonald’s. In a million years I would have never thought to describe someone like that and yet I can picture that type of person exactly!
    To me this is going to be a year that presents really unusual opportunities and possibilities. I want to have my eyes wide open to recognize them when I see them. Not really a measurable resolution.
    I’ve already gotten the first dose of the vaccine!

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  6. I never make resolutions, but I’m with Gretchen in resolving this year to get the Covid vaccine whenever it’s available. I did get the 2-shot shingle vaccine at the advice of a friend who previously had shingles.

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  7. I have one resolution this year: to keep my dining table cleared of non-dining items. I feel like it’s the equivalent of making my bed, but downstairs (open plan home with highly visible table).

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  8. I went to my isolated sister’s house for a two week quarantined visit over the holidays and since my return the cats have glommed onto me. They cannot decide if they want to be to my left or my right when I’m at the desk, so have taken to wandering back and forth across the keyboard, to try out each spot. One has decided that the lap is the best option and my ankles are currently going numb (he’s not fat, I was sitting cross-legged for reasons unknown).

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  9. No resolution either. Just burn that tarot card! I must admit I thought of migraines, so again just burn the dang card. Forest is such a love, he must remember that he was rescued from the cemetery, the best thing ever for him.
    Tee

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  10. My BFF and I were just talking about how easy it was for us to meet guys in our younger days. The beach, the store, a concert, a bar, a sporting event. Of course being outgoing and heavy duty flirts did help. A lot. One time I saw a guy with a snake and despite the fact that I HATE snakes, the guy was cute so I had to go up and talk to him about his pet snake. We ended up going out on a few dates.

    Oh, speaking of resolutions, I thought this one was funny. There’s a professional motorcycle racer I follow on IG (he’s a former teammate of my son) and he and his buddies made a resolution to run at least a mile every day without stopping. Then the buddies all changed it to SKIPPING a mile every day. So now there’s a group of professional motorcycle racers out there skipping like little kids down the road. The last time I tried to skip, I thought I was going to injure myself.

    The only resolution I made for 2021 is to drink more water every day. I think that’s doable.

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  11. I am going to strive for balance, I don’t do well with that, but I will try. I have never done any future reading stuff. I like to be oblivious.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  12. Years and years ago, a motorcycle cop pull me over and gave me a ticket for having an out of state care license but in state driver’s license. In retrospect, a questionable stop at best, but who was I to question a policeman as a twentysomething? The next day he pulled me over again, but this time he pulled out a dozen roses from his little compartment in the back of his seat-y thing, and asked me out. Adorable right? And I would have said yes to a date if he would have torn up the ticket, but he wouldn’t, and so I didn’t, and that was the end of the story we didn’t tell our never-to-be-born children about.

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  13. Forest is just so grateful you rescued him! I love it when my cat kneads me but he doesn’t do it often. He is kind of an independent little cuss but I love him anyway. No resolutions for me either as I always felt just awful when I broke them and these days we don’t need to beat ourselves up over small things. Thanks for continuing to bring us funny every day.

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  14. I DVR’d the PBS documentary about Laura Ingalls Wilder to specifically watch it on NYE. Good pandemic party time!

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  15. Maybe the cards are just communicating the stress of Covid upon humanity? I vote for that scenario and wish a safe and healthy 2021 to you and everyone.

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  16. Shingles are the worst. I got them last fall because I stressed myself out about last Christmas. Two of my kids are in the service and our family hadn’t been together for five years. The kids were both bringing their sweethearts and I was so very anxious about it all. The shingles showed up and slowed me down and in the end, everything turned out just fine. Both couples are now engaged and I couldn’t be happier. But shingles? Do not recommend.

    I choose to think the thing you thought was gone was a rash or dry hair or bad breath. Right?

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  17. Oh to meet people out in the wild – or at the coffee shop – or on a ferry – I kind of read this like Green Eggs and Ham – June met a man on a ship – They had chips and dip – She wore a lacy slip ….I could go on but I will spare you all – Here is to a better year – can it get any worse – will not tempt the fates that way – back in lockdown here until end of January so no new people for the foreseeable future – also love the new header.

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  18. I am trying to take (and post to FB/Insta, for accountability) a picture every day. The problem is, its day 4 and I have no plans to leave my house today (unless I get to the chiropractor tonight). So all the pics will be of my dogs, in my house. Which .. is every day. So I could really just take them all today and then post one a day and no one would be the wiser. This would’ve made more sense in any other year, methinks. Oh well, I am always late to the party.

    My office is a block from the White House. We’ve been home since March 13, and I wasn’t planning to go in this week anyway, but we’ve now been forbidden from entering this week, plywood has been put up, and extra security hired. Demoracy! Yay!

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  19. I would enjoy eating again. I have some wretched flu where each time I try to eat broth or a cracker it either gets barfed or exits the other end. Three weeks of this bullshit. So now I have to see a gastroenterologist (via teleheath) to find out why everything on my inside wants to be on my outside. Not a way I recommend losing weight. Ugh.

    Smell numbers!!! Lol

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  20. My usual resolution is to make no resolutions. Surprisingly, I can achieve this one every year. I adore your rambling brain!

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  21. “Vegan pagan who can smell numbers” was my first snort of the day, thanks! Not that I snort anything in, usually just an unrefined reaction to something I find humorous. Like those Geico commercials about “don’t be your parents.” That guy trying to help those folks, that makes me snort no matter how many times.

    I did a past-life regression about 3 years ago now, and at was asked to let my future self tell me something important that I needed to know. That was the equivalent of your Tarot card.

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    1. I did a past-life regression 25 years ago. I did not think I’d be able to “go under” but I did. It was trippy.

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    2. What horrible thing did your future self say?! I’ve always wanted to try that, but I feel like I’d be unable to go under and would constantly be doubting if I was actually experiencing anything or just sort of making stuff up. 😦

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  22. Ahh well I was going to write at least one sentence in my journal each day. I missed it yesterday. Oh well.
    I loved those dating stories – can so relate….

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  23. Your line re: how happy Forest is makes me so grateful that you happened to be going by that cemetery. Better than any tarot reading could have predicted! (Also, hypochondria – I’m convinced that there’s some Google/Webmd/MayoClinic person just tsk-tsking with their friends. “Hey look! She’s at it again! Poor honey.”)

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  24. I’m not making any resolutions. I usually make a small resolution to do something that will make me happier, like a trip to visit a friend, or spend the money for perfect snow boots for walking the dog, but this year it just seems like too much work. Just going to let this year do its thing, I guess. Oh, I resolve to get the covid vaccine when I can.

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  25. No resolutions over here. I’m with you on the Tarot card thing. My mind can be a scary place if I put too much stock in the cards.

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