I did not sleeeeeep. Did you ever do that thing where you keep waking up every dang hour? Why? And then at 7:00 when my alarm went off I was sleeping the deep sleep of the knee-deep knee-highs.
And yet, here I am. I couldn’t very well call into work tired. I feel like such a trouper. I feel like Olivia Walton, wanly peeling my hundredth potato, because for no discernible reason I found myself unable to resist John Walton and his long johns (not a euphemism) at least 7 times, which is why there is a need for 100 damn potatoes at lunch.
Speaking of my current references, I’ve come to realize I’ve lost touch with fashion. This is something I hadn’t counted on.
When I was in my 20s, there was nothing more important to me, and I used to judge people who weren’t atop all that is fashionable, people such as, say, Olivia Walton, who was atop John Walton at least 7 times.
Do you remember when we used to believe that? That our parents only did it the number of times that we had siblings? They hit the jackpot those three times then they gave it up forever!
Over Christmas, I showed my holiday decorations on the Facebook and admitted I have no visual skills. “If you see anything that needs moving, please tell me,” I said. What I meant by that was if anyone saw anything that needed moving, to tell me. See. Is what I meant. What I got instead was a lot of comment on what I’d chosen for decoration.
By the way, WORLD, the words “critique” and “criticize” are not interchangeable.
Anyway, while people were feeling free to criticize my decorations, I got a lot of, “Oh my god, why do you have tinsel?” “Take down the tinsel.”
Why do I have tinsel? My blood type is tinsel! I adore tinsel! Tinsel, to me, is shiny and retro!
But then I started looking around at other people’s decorations, like designer people, and realized, wow, no one has tinsel. Even regular people don’t have tinsel. Fekking no one has tinsel but me. I remember buying that tinsel with Alicia, my cleaning lady, fmr., during Christmas 2000-ish.
Anyway when it came time to put away decorations, I threw away my tinsel, despondent.
Then that night I watched an Instagram live of a very hip San Francisco person and she totally had tinsel twined up her staircase of her midcentury home. Ding-dang it.
And now vanities. I have my great-aunt’s vanity and I adore it. I really don’t use it; I do store socks on it but that’s about it. I put a sock in it, literally. Anyway then I saw a person on social media somewhere, and right there is my problem, saying how old vanities never sell anymore and I was all, reallllly? The same way my Uncle Leo says it when you tell him you spent more than $20 on a dress.
People don’t want vanities anymore?
So now I have a choice. I can have one of those old lady homes where everything is stuck in time, and when I die my house will go viral for being so old-fashioned. Or I can embrace the now and have one of those blank Ikea-looking homes everyone’s so crazy about.
I don’t really like either option.
I suppose my whole lewk is dated and I should be on one of those makeover shows and I hope it’s Queer Eye. I’m really less Jonathan and more Karamo. I’m sure this stuns you. That would be a great episode. “Did you see the one where that lady keeps trying to climb on Karaomo’s long johns?”
Anyway I don’t know how this happened, except that reading Glamor stopped appealing to me in about 2002. Is there even Glamor magazine anymore? I used to live for it, along with Elle. Oh, also, I got fat. So even if I wanted to stay on top of looking fashionable, it’d have to be the way Kate on This is Us is fashionable. Like, you put yourself in a swingy top and hope for the best.
I guess there’s also the whole part about who gives a shit? Why can’t I just have stuff I like and if I’m the old lady with the bun who owns Tweety Bird, who am I harming? But I just assumed I’d be less Tweety Bird’s mom and more Iris Apfel. And yet, here I am, saying, “No one uses TINSEL anymore?”
I gotta go. My work’s Teams messaging center is all over the place with the exchanging of work and of vows and I hope of sausage if I play my cards right. See above re swingy top and calling it a day.
A la mode,