1.2

Years ago, one of you said that someone you knew thought mammogram was pronounced “mammy-o-gram,” and I’ve really never been able to call it anything else and thanks for ruining my life.

Yesterday was my scheduled mammy-o-gram, and if I could actually arrange for Scarlett O’Hara’s mammy to just come feel me up and give me the OK and then harangue me about Ashley, I’d do it.

Of course I had my annual mammy-o-gram freakout and terror and obsessive Googling that comes before, and then the morning I was to get it, aka yesterday, I got an email from my regular doctor, who has not yet quit or died. She emailed all her patients to let us know she is still going with the pronouns she and her (which, why?), and also to let us know that coronavirus cases have doubled in our area in the last 10 days and to please limit our movement.

Oh, I’ve limited my movement. You should see me over here. What was that big blob thing in Star Wars?

“Terrifying Mammy-o-grams. May I help you?”

“Yes,” I said. Of course I said “yes,” the mating call of all my phone calls to professional places. “I need to postpone my mammy-o-gram.”

So now it’s in April, and the receptionist said she didn’t blame me, and we bonded over “this whole thing” and then no sooner did I do that then I got a call saying my migraine doctor appointment is next week.

GOD

DAMMIT.

And he’s holding me hostage; I can’t get more of these anti-seizure pills unless I go. There is no earthly reason a migraine doctor can’t have telehealth calls. All you DO is tell him what’s going on. They don’t weigh you or measure you or look at your tongue or any of that nonsense. That nonsense like your vitals.

So I ran from the Raiders of the Lost Ark boulder that is ‘rona this week, only to have to face it again next week.

Also, as soon as work was done I got another call last night from that goddamn Mario from that goddamn Apple Care. What they do, see, is a recording calls you first, see, asking if you’ll take the call, and if you can’t, press 2. I had worked right up till 6 and the call came at like 6 and .0001 seconds, so I pressed fucking 2 as hard as possible. I have grown officially tired of my issue and no longer even wish to fix it.

How long have I been working on this? At least a month. I’ll bet I’ve put 30 hours into fixing this thing. Hooo care at this point. Can’t they just send me a new computer?

In other news, we are under a “winter storm warning” here and I want you to brace your loins or whatever but we are expecting

AN INCH POINT TWO.

of snow.

I hope we’ll all make it and your thoughts and prayers are welcome at this snowy juncture.

The thing is, they promised us it’d start happening overnight and that I’d wake up to an amazing frosty oasis of one inch of snow, and I told Forest about it and figured he’d like it, since once it’s anywhere below 40 that cat is clinging to the door, MEEPING to be outside to place his bits on cold rocks and cold ice and cold drinks and cold compresses, his fur blowing about like he’s waiting for Poldark.

But we got up this morning and dashed to the door to frolic, and?

Dull. Dull day. Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day. Fritter and waste the Blu in an offhand way.

I realize Blu is disgusting. A dog plays with it. Whattaya want from Blu? Occasionally I will clean Blu but it gets dirty again like two seconds later, as a dog plays with it. So.

Anyway, NOW they’re claiming it will begin to snow this afternoon, and they are still calling it a winter storm warning, and we are all hunkering down to be pelleted by an

INCH POINT TWO.

of snow.

I have tied a rope from the house to the shed so I can feed the snakes tonight and make it back in without losing my way due to snowblindness.

I had better go. First of all, my choice of pants was stupid and I feel way too breezy and I need to put on something warmer like maybe bearskin chaps. Secondly, it was slow slow slow at the beginning of the week, and now work is crashing my way and I fear I will not get it all done and that someone will give me the pursed-lips look from behind their laptop if I say, “This is going to be late.”

[disclaimer: I am never late. Instead I give myself migraines and bite my cuticles and don’t sleep. But I do not turn in work late, even if I get zero work on MTW, and then 47 hours of work on Th.]

Not that fondly,
June

57 Comments

  1. One point two inches of snow around here would be viewed as a sign of the rapture. People lose their ever-lovin’ MINDS over the flurries we get about every decade or so. That said, we *might* get snow on Sunday. FRaDW
    Regarding the restaurant La Madeleine, my mother-in-law pronounces it with some accent that makes it sound like La Mow-the-lawn. Mr. Texas adores this reason to make fun of his mom behind her back. Heeee!

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  2. My favorite part of the post was the

    INCH POINT TWO

    reference. I snorted every time. I hope you and the snakes survive. Lovely post.

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  3. I, too, had to indefinitely postpone my mammary photo because I fractured the ball that goes into the socket of my arm. When I called to cancel they had fits and told me because of Covid they couldn’t promise when I’d be able to get back in. I was all, “Well OK. Because I literally cannot lift my arm to get it out of the way of ‘m side boob.” She didn’t know what to say so we left it at that.

    Also our Covid numbers have jumped up and while watching the insurrection on Wednesday I felt something fall into my mouth as I sipped a cup of tea. Spit and there were two pieces of tooth. So yesterday I had to run straight into the Covid unmasked with my mouth open for 90 minutes while my dentist prepped me for a crown.

    Relaxing.

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  4. Well, I am so glad I came here directly from my weekly therapy session. This was exactly what I needed to dry my tears and make my smile again. June, I would send you a Major Award if I could. Big puffy pink sparkly heart emoji!!

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  5. I always say “I’m getting my mammies grammied” It sucks that you went through all of the pre-grammying emotions only to be cancelled because of the COVID I wish it would snow here some time but I guess you can’t expect it in the sub tropics. Do you ever use your fireplace?

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  6. “I have tied a rope from the house to the shed so I can feed the snakes tonight and make it back in without losing my way due to snowblindness.”

    I stampeded here to say this is one of my all-time favorite lines. Thanks for the laugh. Now I’ll go read the comments from everyone else who most likely said the same thing about feeding the snakes during a snowstorm.

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  7. Minnesota reporting in. I love it when wimpy non-snow areas get all aflutter over five little snowflakes. Hah! Snowflakes for the snowflakes.

    My preference is for a nice coat of snow, and clean sidewalks and roads. Maybe 25-35 degrees. Then I can actually go for a walk and really enjoy it.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Maybe if you told migraine doctor’s office that you’ve developed a cough…?
    I sympathize with your late-week assignments. My boss regularly calls me at 4:45pm with a list of items he needs for an early morning meeting the next day. 🙄

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  9. snowflakes and I don’t mean liberals— love it
    My mom was forever saying things wrong like a store called Alex’s she always pronounced it Elks and she made up the word flusterated…. Oh how my young smug ass was such a douchebag correcting her. How I wish she were still alive so I could apologize as now in my late 40s I find myself forgetting basic math….. When my mom was my age she was putting up with my brother and I’s shenanigan’s plus going through a divorce from my cheating father. No wonder she died young.

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  10. In case anyone’s worried sick, for about 15 minutes there were exciting snowflakes, and I don’t mean liberals, and then nothing. Now the sky is alabaster and that’s it. This snowstorm better get more exciting. I was led to believe it was a winter storm. Not a winter eh.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I remember that winter when the family had to hold onto the rope to go out to the barn through the blizzards …. grab some hay…. come back to the cabin and sit in front of the fire, twisting the hay into knotted bunches to feed the fire they were sitting in front of….

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      1. Adding pronouns to your signature line is an LGBTQIA support initiative. It is becoming more common in professional settings.

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      2. The idea is being cis-gendered shouldn’t be considered a default or norm, so clarifying that you’re still she/her normalises people who might choose to go by he/him even if born biologically female.

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    1. My step-mother is a regular Norm Crosby. She says everything wrong or wonky. We call the Doe-isms. (my dad’s nickname for her is Doe)

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  12. Dogs, cats, snakes. Which led me deep into thought about why we feed other animals but we slop the hogs. My grandfather never fed the hogs. He only slopped the hogs. I will keep all this and ponder it in my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Lovely post Coot.
    I hate when they give us a winter storm warning. Here what that means everyone runs out to the grocery store and buys all the bread and milk. Why? Are they making milk sandwiches? Why not beer and pretzels? Why not vodka and Cheetos? I went to pick up groceries last time they called for snow and low and behold no bread and no milk.

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  14. Oh for the love. My RHEUMATOLOGIST does virtual appointments. And he certainly can’t assess my arthritis / wiggle my joints (not a euphemism) virtually. In fact, I am “seeing” him next week.

    Best of luck to you in the upcoming winter storm. I hope you have sufficient water, bread and milk to ride it out. I have never understood that, btw.

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  15. With the majority here, loving the rope to the shed to feed the snakes line.

    I had my almost non-existent breastage tissue flattened to pancake stature a few days after Christmas. Always amazed at how able the technician and I are at maintaining pleasant-this-isn’t-odd-or-anything conversation.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. That rope line was too funny. Lovely post! I am still amazed that you can continue to be so funny and entertaining with just regular every day things like the weather and doctor’s appointments.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. 1. You and Audra cracked (no pun intended) me up.
    B. Send Forest to feed the snakes, maybe he’ll forget his assignment and just kill all if them.
    Tee

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  18. You, Audra, and the rope to the shed.
    Comedy gold this morning.
    Enjoy your light dusting of snow while it lasts.
    I had my due in January mammy-o-gram in December. My usual clinic is in a ginormous medical building with elevators and too many stairs.
    No way was I using either.
    Drove across town to a street level clinic, first in, squish and out in 10 min.
    My boobs were none the worse for the delay.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I think I was the one who introduced you to mammy-o-gram. That is what one of my co-workers, a reasonably intelligent person, called it, in all seriousness,. Have fun making your snow whatevers.

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    1. Like another before me, I can claim the mammy-o-gram. My mother says it like it’s a thing. She also says Freebreeze and peen-ya for penne. She is an educated, intelligent woman. She made a perfect daughter (me.) I don’t know where her butchering of these words began.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. That things name is Jabba the Hutt, unless my autocorrect is correct and it’s really Java the Butt.
    Either way, your post had me in a fit of laughter!! 😂 may we survive the blizzard of January 8th, so we may bask in the suns glory (in shorts) on January 9th.

    Liked by 1 person

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