I read an old blog post of mine, dating back to aught 12. I read it not because I am completely full of myself—although I am—but because a reader said it was one of her favorite posts and I couldn’t remember much about it.
In one weekend, according to that hard-hitting post from aught 12, on Friday I went to a play and then out to dinner at a pub. Then on Saturday I got in the car and headed to Raleigh, where I went to a record store, a rose garden, an exhibit of Gone With the Wind memorabilia, and finally to a museum of natural bones or whatever those are called. Not to be outdone, Sunday found me in Winston-Salem, where I saw a movie and had dinner.
That’s more than I’ve done in the past 365 days. Good lort.
Granted, at the time I was tryina impress Ned, with whom I did all that shit with with. With.
That’s, like, a great weekend for him and while I’m certain I was delighted to be with him because that was peak in-love-with-Ned time, in truth that’s wayyyyy too much running amok for me. How was I not cranky by Sunday? Get in the car and go to Winston? We just WENT to RALEIGH yesterday.
Anyway, this post won’t share nearly as many gadabout whirlwind stories, although I did see Ned. Once. And we went one place. Well, that’s not true. We also got Edsel and the three of us got Edsel’s Gabapentin at CVS drive-thru. So, two places. Two! Ah-ah-ahhh.
Dear June: Stop being the Count.
Anyway, here was my one venture out of the house all weekend:
And yes, it was a cloudy, dull day. Also, why so chubby, JOOOOON.
Also, I know I am the crabbiest person alive, so tell me if this also makes you crabby or if it’s just me. When you post something online and people have to know where you got everything in the photo. I actually once had someone ask me, “Where do you go to GET ice cream in the country?” after I posted that I’d gotten ice cream in the country.
I’ve also had what are those plates, what is the name of that mascara, what’s this, what’s that—WHY? WHY do people want to know this? Are they seriously going to rush out and copy it? Or do they want to know how much I spent? WHAT IS IT?
The fact of the matter is, I usually don’t even know the answer. So that’s the worst part, that then I have to do research to answer. I have to head to the library and get the microfiche.
I know there are people who, for example, know the color paint they used in their living room. You know what color paint I used? White.
(I do remember the paint name Quietude, which Ned says I speak of the way boys speak of the winning home run they made in Little League, but there is no Quietude even in my house right now. I can’t even recall the color I ended up getting for my porch ceiling last summer.)
Anyway, Ned and the drive. We were celebrating, Ned and I were. Ned, of the go-29-places-in-2012 Neds. Starting today, Ned has to return to his office in person, and since I’m high risk and all, we aren’t going to see each other until we both have vaccines. I mean, maybe we’ll take walks 75 feet apart the way my coworker Austin and I do. But he used to be the only person who came inside my house.
You know, this whole plague I’ve done some weird stuff, like shave my legs every day and wash the kitchen floor every Saturday. I guess I’m doing those things for me since no one else experiences them. Except for all 10 of you, now that I’ve told you.
Every month or so, Ned would see my floors and say, “God, your house is clean.”
Anyway. So Ned got me in his Mustang he’s so obsessed with and we took a long drive into the country like I like to do and it went like this.
“Ned, this isn’t the country.”
“I know. We’re headed there. First we have to drive through all these depressing neighborhoods.”
“If I wanted to look at depressing houses I could have stayed home and looked out my window.”
[10 minutes later]
“Ned, this is still not the country.”
“I know, I just … I don’t know where we are.”
Ned refuses to let the direction woman on his phone have a voice, and right there is the problem with men. So instead he STARES at his PHONE while he’s DRIVING and it makes me nervous as a cat and anyway finally we were in the country but first we passed this house:
That was pretty riveting and we turned the car around and drove past it twice, but anyway then we were in the country.
Our ice cream place has now turned itself into a drive-through so you don’t COVID inside their store, and that’s pretty cool. Also, they opened up the field across the street so you can park and watch the cows who made your ice cream. When we were done, I got out of the car to throw out our little dishes and napkins and noted they have, like, party gravel. I shoulda captured it on film. It was gravel in all these funfetti colors like pink and seafoam. My driveway at the back of my house, on the way up to the snake shed, is in need of more gravel, and who wants to funfetti that gravel now that she knows that’s a thing?
Anyway, a drive to get ice cream made us hungry, and those pounds just won’t GO, so we got food at this local restaurant we used to haunt regularly, and ate it at my house. I had french dip. Oui.
Then, as I said, we took Edsel to get his arthritis medicine and once again he forgot his dog wallet so I got it AGAIN.
And then that was it. He left and it’s just me in this house. I don’t know when I’ll see Ned again, and he was the only person in my bubble. I guess this’ll be a fun experiment to see if I lose my mind. There was some stupid song I once heard on American Top 40 that went, “Back off, bitch, before I lose my MINNNNNND. Well, now everyone has backed off. So let’s see if I lose my MINNNNNNND.