Sniff the grinder

I just noticed that the last time I ever wrote you, I said I bleached my teeth and died, and then I very dramatically didn’t return. Perhaps you thought I died of teeth but I did not. Since like 89% of you are my social media friends, you already know this.

By the way, not long ago I unblocked Ned on Facebook, and I now know which of you are still Facebook friends with him and really?

Why?

Anyway I didn’t die of teeth. I had a normal day Tuesday, except that the day before I’d had a lot of dizziness and lightheadedness and also an aura, and I don’t mean that in the I’m-dancing-naked-in-my-fire-circle-my-aura-is-gold way. I mean I had a premigraine aura. So there I was on Tuesday when all of a sudden BOOM.

Migraine. Also, it’s not “all the sudden.” It just isn’t. It also isn’t “butt naked.” Please read books and things.

I guess I’m on edge today. As opposed to my usual sunny disposition. My Sunny D.

The point is, it hurt, my migraine did, and it lasted (are you ready?) UNTIL FRIDAY, which was a pain in my patoot for various reasons, one of them being that I had something important coming in at work and I didn’t know when, so rather than call in sick and shut off my messages and so on, I lay in bed with ice and heat and nausea pills and agony, constantly refreshing my screen so my computer wouldn’t go dark and I’d look offline.

Also, they’ve set up our work computers to go dark in like TEN MINUTES, which is annoying if you’re just getting up to let the dog out and back in and maybe make some tea. You return and boom. You hafta sign in all over again. And it’s not just one password, no. It’s your whole sign-in name, a password, then another screen and another password. And who can remember all those dang passwords?

Pepperidge Farm remembers.

I have no idea why that entered my head.

So I never got to really rest those days; I had to stay awake to hit the space key on my computer every 10 minutes so I’d look reachable.

The work thing came in on Friday afternoon, after I felt better. I marked those days as sick days, because staying awake and hitting the space key doesn’t count as being at work.

So that was my week and then I rallied and decided Edsel needed a nail thing. I can’t think of the word for it right now. I know it’s fun to read me when I’m so quick with a joke and a light of your smoke, but there’s someplace that he’d rather be.

Back when we were free to roam about and it generally didn’t kill anyone to do so, I’d have Edsel’s nails trimmed either at the vet or at dog daycare. I’d say, “Oh, can you trim his nails?” He only needs it done a few times a year. But I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we’ve had a year now where at least I’m not doing a damn thing.

Eds had his nails trimmed at the vet’s office I think in the summer when he went to learn he had no heart problem. What a day. A pedicure and “You’re not gonna die of heart or teeth” report. But I noticed he’s getting a little Howard Hughes-ish around his claw-sal area now, though. He’s starting to look like Cher in her variety show years.

MIX BREED!
THAT ALL EDZ EVER HERD.
MIX BREED!
HOW HE LERN TO HATE THE WERD. {Even tho that two word.}

I used to have a dog-claw trimmer, but when Tallulah was a puppy I messed up and cut her claw too close it traumatized me and I can’t do it without getting the willies. Nevertheless, I bravely looked for it in my two (2!!) cupboards reserved only for dog and cat things: eye ointments, flea treatments, shampoos, medicines, leashes. You know the drill. You have pets. Otherwise why are you here.

Anyway I must’ve thrown out the dog clippers at some point because see above re amputating Tallulah. So I went online and looked for dog nail thingies. What the hell are they called? Like a sander for dog nails. You kind of file them down electrically, like you do when you get nail tips put on.

I looked online and did the whole “sort by customer review” shopping, because did you ever notice Amazon sorts by “recommended!” which is code for “most expensive!”?

Eventually I decided on this one pair that wasn’t that expensive (less than $30) but well-reviewed. On Sunday, Valentine’s Day, the dog nail things arrived.

Romantic!

{click, click, click} Neber new how much Edz claw grew.
Dey growing past his dog paw hair.
When mom get a grinder for Edz, mom get mad and start to swear.
You give Eds grinder.
Grinder!
When you grind Eds.
Grinder on Edz nail beds.

A GRINDER. That’s IT!!

Why in the SAM HOLY HELL couldn’t I think of the word? Ima blame my 72-hour migraine for slowing down my brain. Or maybe this is it. This is just the day my brain stops working for me. It stops giving me words and I start to talk like my gramma did. “Honey, get grandma the thing over by the thing.”

Anyway I was very excited to grind the nails of Eds. I opened the box, which came with a little wrench, and that’s never a good sign.

I thought the round gritty sandy things would go right on and I could get to work but no. It didn’t go right on. The wrench shoulda tipped me off.

So then I opened a thin book of directions, and nothing in there made sense. It was one of those books of directions that said things like, “Grab center tube and blocket phram, twisting the blickblack counterclockwise while gazing thoughtfully at the switz swatz krim.”

What.

So I opened the larger, thicker book of directions. Two books of directions, which is an ever better sign, beyond the “this comes with its own wrench” sign. Both signs point to Ima be using the F word toot sweet.

Eventually, since not one word of one page of those goddamn directions, volumes I and volume screaming, made a lick of sense to anybody — and why is it someone’s job to make a book of directions that don’t make sense? Since all that was happening, I decided to go online like a normal person and see if I could get help there.

I Googled “tutorial for Edsel Grindr 3000” or whatever the damn thing is called and sure enough there was the world’s nasal-ist person giving me nasal directions on how to just GET THE DAMN SANDER THING ON, and why does that even have to be hard? Why can’t it just slip the feck ON?

My theory was she was the owner’s daughter. The nasal tutor. That’s how she got this gig. She nasaled, “Dad, I really want a career in online tutorials spoken solely out my nose” and he said, “Why, honey, why don’t you tute everyone on the Edsel 3000, since our two books of directions don’t even make a lick of sense?”

I am very sorry to tell you that there is a car store here, and that’s not what they’re called, are they? Migraine head, I’m TELLING you.

Anyway it’s called Dick’s. I guess the owners are named that and they thought that would be a great name for their car store and once again I realize that us not what car stores are called I AM SORRY. And they have the owner’s daughter, a TEEN, coming on TV and saying, “Give Dick’s a try!” and why did NO ONE, in the entire scheme of things, tell the owner this was not a good idea?

The point is, I sat through almost that whole nose-talk tutorial until I realized I was looking at a tutorial for a whole different dog grinder.

For the love of…

Finally, FINALLY, I found a tutorial and after much F-wording and using of the wrench I got the DAMN sandy thing on the damn dog grinder and I did all the things the tutorial told me to do, which involved going over to my dog, and letting him sniff the grinder. Then I turned on the grinder so he could get used to the noise. Then when he seemed as calm as Edsel ever is (Tasmanian Devils seem laid back in comparison), I picked up his dog hand and put the oh sandy baby/can’t you see/I’m in misery grinder on, and?

Rrrrrrrr-rrrrrmmm.

Died. It died.

IT DIEEEEEED.

I HAD TO CHARGE THE DANG THING.

At this point I’m just willing to let Eds be in the Guinness Book of World Records for Dog With Longest Claws. I no longer care.

So that about sums up everything that has happened to me since we last spoke, and I’ll bet you’re glad I checked back in, what with all my cylinders clearly running on full strength, much like that grinder.

Off to give Dick’s a try,
June

44 thoughts on “Sniff the grinder

  1. I am so behind on posts due to the dreaded stomach virus. Oooof. Awful. I am finally reading and this post cracked me up. I’m sitting at my desk trying to laugh silently.
    Our dog chews her nails. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s the least she can do for being a royal pain in every other possible way.

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  2. “Eds on Grindr now? Eds excite!”
    If I had come near my dog with anything that made electrical noises, he would’ve run a thousand miles. I’m always nervous cutting all my pets’ claws, but it’s my only option. I hold my breath and cringe preemptively with every snap.

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  3. Hmm. Did I unfriend Ned? I’m not active on my FB personal page anymore but went to check then couldn’t remember his real name! So sorry if he still shows up as a friend. PM me his real name and I’ll make sure he’s gone.

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  4. I’m not sure if this is your problem, but there is an app called Amphetamine that prevents your computer from going to sleep. Maybe that will help you.

    Also, Peggy Lee could use that grinder on her tooth.

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  5. Another one of those days when something you wrote keeps popping back up into my mind unbidden and making me do a smile, or a quick snort. “Sniff the grinder.” Why is that even funny? Absurdity is my humor language.

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  6. Losing words is the worst thing. There you are, standing in a store, feeling stupid, and later, driving home, it comes to you. Aggravating.

    Peggy Lee is a knockout in that photo. She was from North Dakota.

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  7. One day my friend John and I were headed to a restaurant and passed a Dick’s. He got very excited and said, “Oh! Look, Dick’s!!!” then his face fell and he said, “Never mind. . . there’s an apostrophe.”

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  8. I too was thinking you were coming at us with a grindr type tale…
    Both signs point to Ima be using the F word toot sweet……dying and immediately thinking of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang & Dick Van Dyke singing & dancing along….
    Which made my 12 year old sense of dirty humor kick in even harder over “Give Dick’s A Try!”….totally dying
    Grinds my corn…..dead
    Thank you for the actual laughs out loud on a Monday that has been a complete shit-tastic mess since I logged into work at 5am. Glad you’re feeling better, good luck with all your dicks and grinders!

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  9. Oh, my husband can never remember the words for certain things and will say, “Hey, can you bring me the chingas? It’s over by the waddyacallit.” Oh sure, I’ll get right on that.

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  10. I bought a doggy Dremel years ago and have never once used it because I suspect it will require major Doggy Downers to get my Chihuahua mix to be still long enough to use it. Maybe I should try it on my own hooves. I’m in desperate need of a pedicure. Mostly, I just want a foot massage.

    Okay, wait just a gosh darn second. Some of your readers are Facebook friends with Ned? But for why? That just seems, I dunno, weird. And stalkerish. Says the person who FB stalks one of her old boyfriends but doesn’t have the nerve to actually send him a friend request.

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    1. Agreed. I can see why people did it at first, when we were dating. And I can even see forgetting you were friends with him since he allegedly does very little on FB. But since we’ve been broken up for six years now and now that I’ve reminded y’all that you might still be friends with someone I broke up with six years ago, with whom you have no relationship whatsoever, the only reason you’d STAY FB friends with him is to be stalky.

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  11. MY husband’s company set their computers to sleep at 5 minutes. FIVE MINUTES!!! WTF?!? Grinds my corn.

    I couldn’t think of the word reputation this weekend. The end is near.

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  12. Did you ever watch Happy Endings on ABC? It was like Friends but with much better jokes. One of them starts working at a dealership called The Car Czar. Slogan: We know what cars are.

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  13. I did the same to one of my pets and now stick to the professionals for nail cutting. Although I did some as seen on tv gadget that looks like it could work. After I finished chemo, I had chemo brain horribly. I knew what I wanted to say and it would come out word salad. Thankfully that has abated somewhat.

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  14. Oh man, that local car dealership ad (and billboards) irks me as well. I get that it’s their last name and it’s not spelled quite how it sounds, but surely at least 50% of the population is going to hear it that way, right? I suppose maybe they *do* know and are counting on that to make it memorable.

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  15. Your trying to interpret instructions is exactly what I did this weekend when trying to completely assemble steps for SadieDog. If someone had made a video of me, it would be all over the internet and on Funniest Home Assemblers or whatever it’s called. I was just about to send it back when I got determined and finally figured it out. Now to see if she will use them. Maybe she’ll stand on them and sing a Mix Breed duet with Eds.

    Wil cing 4 treetz.

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  16. I come here to learn about this century. I thought a grinder had something to do with drugs. Thanks for bringing me up to speed!
    I know about the trimming of the nails. Just last week we took our 96 pound golden for his trim. Even though he was strapped down, it took three of them to hold him on the table. He was not having it. I may buy a dremel and try myself because his pleading look was pitiful.

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  17. We play the What is the Name of that Actor? game. It goes like this, “Remember that actor that was in that movie with the other actor? You know, he was also in that other movie.” By the time we figure it out, we forgot why we wanted to know in the first place.

    Glad you are feeling better.

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  18. I always assume that instructions are interpreted badly from whatever country the thing came from. I think the loss of words when you get older is that you have too much shit in your brain to sort through. That’s my excuse anyways. Also love the mix breed Eds.

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  19. I do NOT have pets, but I am still here. Learning a lot though in case my allergies are ever cured. My allergist says I should never get a pet. It’s OK, I live vicariously through you.

    Just last week, my youngest, Curly, who is 13 told me that she likes the name Richard, which she fell in love with because she watches reruns of Castle. I pointed out to her that there are many nicknames for Richard. One of which is Dick. I shared with her that back in the day, people called their children Dick. My Dad’s best friend was Dick. Curly was VERY surprised by this fun and shocking-nowadays-to-young-people fact.

    Never ceases to amaze me how crappy migraines sound. Glad yours finally released you.

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  20. I’m so glad you are feeling better. I can’t imagine trying to work with a migraine.
    Hilarious post. My husband wanted to know what was so funny, then I have to try to explain, it’s not an easy task. “I opened the box, which came with a little wrench, and that’s never a good sign.” I never stopped laughing (out loud) past this point! THEN the two instruction books and tutorial. This was a good start to my day.
    I get the part of losing words. Saturday I was grinding old records, as in papers from the past, and found documents of things I had totally forgotten, like the receipt for the pearls my husband gave me for our 30th anniversary, I was shocked at the price! But it has been almost 25 years and just didn’t remember. I was shredding old documents, see. I think all this isolation is making our brains turn to mush. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
    Tee

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  21. I am sorry that you had to suffer so long with the dreaded migraine. It is good to see your writing again. Like DG, I thought something happened to Iris.
    “Honey, get grandma the thing over by the thing.” I truly laughed out loud, because I now say this way too frequently. And my husband usually understands what I am saying!

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  22. Grinder! Grinder in the morning, grinder all through the night. Oh, lort. Glad you’re feeling a bit better.

    CommandoBarbie

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  23. Dear June;

    Thank you for writing, I missed you. I am very glad to hear that the migraine has passed and that it is in the past.

    Laurie

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  24. When you first said Grinder I pictured Edsel swiping right….. that is the hook up app right? I do not have the socials….. and I was worried something happened to poor Iris so glad that is not the case but sorry to hear it was a days long migraine. That blows.

    My husband and I lose words and I always worry it is the start of something but it is ok to forget the name of keys, but it is bad if you don’t know what said keys are for. So if you say…. where is the thing to get in the house or start the car, you are ok according to the article I read.

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    1. Grindr is the one for gay men. I don’t know why they leave out the E.

      I have a gay friend who’d lost his partner. Like, as in his partner died. He mourned for a year or more and then said, one lunch, “I might get back out there. I might try Grindr.”

      I had lunch with him a week later. He’d slept with 3 people. I’ve been on Tinder on and off since 2015 and have slept with no one.

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      1. When my son was in school, he had to prepare a business model and do that whole thing where he had to set up a store and run a hypothetical business for a week. He chose to do a coffee shop, and came up with the name Grinders. When he presented it to the class he was confused as to why his teacher was holding back tears of laughter. Apparently, this is when Grindr was just taking off, and his teacher later told him that he was laughing because he had just met his current boyfriend on the app. Mystery solved.

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  25. Lovely post June, and I’m glad you’re not dead. After I’d taken my poor mother and her “Oh my God how did they get to be in that state” feet to a podiatrist, my brother asked me what the podiatrist did (code for “what did you spend money on that for”) and I explained that she had used what was basically a dremel. And my brother said, “What’s a dremel?”.

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  26. I’m sorry you were laid up the whole week… and now have lost your damned mind. I, too, have lost words, but without a migraine to blame. It worries me.
    I’m sure Edz didn’t mind that the grinder was put off for another day. Clickety-clack.

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  27. Hilarious post, June!
    I find myself searching for words these days, too. Can’t tell if I’m getting old or trying to do too many things at the same time and not paying attention, but whatever the reason, it’s annoying.

    Liked by 1 person

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