June and the imaginary appraisal

Today, I’ve gone exotic. I’m writing you from Grammy’s chair, which I hardly ever sit in. Edsel sits in it a lot. It’s sort of his chair. The cats also sit in it a lot. In fact, I’m sitting on the little throw I’ve placed on the cushion to catch the majority of the fur, thereby negating the point of putting the throw there.

Anyway, I’m goin’ ham.

I have a coworker who brings the same lunch every single day: peanut butter sandwich, tortilla chips and a glass of water in his depressing John Deere clear glass cup. I wrote him on our work messaging system a few months ago to ask if, now that he’s home, he still has that same damn lunch. Answer: pretty much, yeah.

But a few times a year, like maybe three times, he’ll be Mama Cass and bring a ham sandwich. His kids call it “goin’ ham.”

That’s me today. Goin’ ham in the unusual chair.

I got nothin’ to tell ya, really. I came close to refinancing my house this week but there was a snafu with the agent telling me I had to pay up front for an appraisal. “It’s $500,” she said.

Lemme ask you something. Do you just have $500? I don’t. I mean, I can pay all my bills, and maybe get something fun for myself for like $30 or $40 each pay period, like my tarot t-shirt that I love.

I don’t think it was fully $40 but you know what I mean. Also, OH MY GOD I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT’S FROM. Instagram advertised it to me one day, because Instagram knows me like no one ever has, and I said, YES!! and bought it. The end.

Anyway, I did not have $500, maybe because I blow $40 each pay period on satanic t-shirts, which is what I told the woman at my mortgage company who was trying to convince me to refinance for 1.67% less of an interest rate.

“I’ll have $500 on Friday, but I do not right now,” I emphasized. She said that was fine, that she just needed my card “on file” and that once the appraisal people called and we made an appointment, THEN they would charge me.

“As long as that’s the case, OK, cause I just don’t have it now,” I said, getting my card and wondering how I was gonna live for the next two weeks minus $500.

It was seriously not 10 minutes later I got an email.

CARD DECLINED.

Oh my god, I was mad. So I canceled the whole shebang in a strongly worded letter. “This is not some $11 app I’m buying that might be shady,” I said. “We’re talking hundreds of thousands of dollars. If I can’t trust you from the get-go, why should I trust you with all that money?”

I was worried about the appraisal people coming over anyway. Did you ever get the up-and-down look from a bitchy gay man? That’s how I figured they’d look at me. And they’d be all, “Why is this house pink? Are you expecting Hansel and Gretel?”

“Were you going to keep those birthing hips for a whole decade after menopause, or what, honey? Cause you may be berthing but you ain’t birthing.”

Now I’m starting to like my imaginary bitchy appraiser.

So that’s off, although I understand that I can look for another refinance institution in the next 14 days because my lovely credit score already took the dang hit. But I don’t know. 1.67%? Why bother?

In other news that’s house-related, and here I told you I had no news but LOOK. I’m SOAKING in it.

Yesterday I got an Amazon package and that is nothing new. I get about 47 hundred of those a week. I get my vitamins from Amazon, pet stuff from Amazon (mostly Chewy. But also Amazon), cleaning supplies from Amazon. I’m an Amazon woman.

So I ripped it open, just like it was your bodice.

And there? Was fishing stuff.

“Hope you catch a big one, Rick! Happy birthday!”

I looked about. Had I changed my goddamn name to Rick again? Stupid multiple personalities.

I wish I could get another personality and it would actually be likeable. And then you all could check in in your ripped bodices and see which one you get that day: likeable June or me.

Anyway, I stood in my kitchen with a Jethro Bodean expression for awhile and

…OH! RICHARD!

The guy who used to own this house, the guy who lived here for almost 60 years, is named Richard. Someone musta had this address on file at the Amazon.

So I called him and I forgot what a perfect Southern gentleman he is.

“Yes. Hello, Richard, this is June Gardens, the person who bought your house?”

“Well, hello, June! My goodness! Hope you’re well.”

Actually I forgot the best part. At the beginning, I said, “Yes, is this Richard Pinkhouse?”

And he said, “What’s left of him.”

This is going to be my go-to line from now on.

Anyway, he’s coming over today at 1:00 to get his fishing birthday present and I guess I ruined that surprise. Of course I’m nervous he’s gonna see things on the house that have gone to ruin in his absence, as he ran a tight ship and I’m berthing, but really I’ve kept it up pretty well.

I will close with a charming image I just happened to capture this morning. It’s a sweet moment with Eds and Fo.

From her pink house,
June

73 thoughts on “June and the imaginary appraisal

  1. Omg! I had to jump down here quickly to comment before I forget. Here in London my husband and I found a nice restaurant among theatre town. There was a gay guy who would take our order and then look me up and down, judgingly. But somehow…after a few visits…it became something I looked forward to. For some reason he and I developed some sort of respect of the judging.

    I was truly sad when he left that job.

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  2. I LOVE your imaginary gay appraiser, coot. This is the kind of quality content that keeps us coming back. We just can’t quit you, Gail

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  3. We just did a refi and it can be a pain in the ass getting the paperwork together and the questions answered. We went from 6% down to 3%, (plus took some extra moola to pay down debt) so it was worth getting appraised and paying the $550.00. The appraiser (not gay!) took a bunch of pics in black and white and let me tell you, when you have a lot of crap in your house, black and white pics look bad. But like you say, who care?
    I had a really nice guy thru Citizens Bank. Nick Haas has a really sexy voice and is excellent to work with. One of those people who really calls back when he says he will. Just don’t google him and look at his pic on Linkedin. The voice does not match the baby face. But still, it doesn’t detract from his expertise.
    To see if it’s worth doing and paying for the appraisal, you can go on the bank site and do a rate search criteria. (We are supposed to get another stimulus check soon!) When I did our rate search in September, it was pretty much spot on when we finally closed in January. Look at me thinking I’m an expert at refinancing. 🙂
    Also, the picture of you in your tarot shirt is really good. Love the curls!

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  4. Hahaha Amazon woman tearing through a bodice!

    I’m normally very frugal and excess money gets put into overpayment on my mortgage or or something. Last year I got super busy at work (three guesses why) and had lots of leave/exams cancelled but asked to cover so many extra shifts. Matt works as a physiotherapist on ICU and was in the same boat. We opened a new account in March for all overtime we did and didn’t look again until our birthdays in late December.

    Oh my God I’ve never ever had a lump sum like that before and likely won’t again. We splurged it like online Julia Robertses in Pretty Woman.

    It was meant to be cathartic repayment of added 2020 stress to be like “it’s all over!”. Now that I’m reporting back from lockdown 3 in a wintery slump, I’m sure it wasn’t the wisest thing to have done. But fuck it I’ve had to be sensible in literally every other way.

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  5. I’ve got a college student and “goin’ ham” is definitely a phrase I’ve heard before. Made me laugh every time.
    I always think pets – like children – get along (or tolerate each other) in front of you so they won’t get in trouble, and I assume they pester the snot out of each other when you aren’t looking. But I’m WRONG! Look at cute Edsel and his kitty!

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  6. I am a creature of habit when it comes to food. I really hate trying to think of new things to make for dinner. Why can’t we just have grilled cheese and tomato soup every night?
    Such adorable shots of those fur balls.

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    1. I have eaten eggs and toast for breakfast so much that I may need to go off eggs. I’m making myself sick of them. I am having too much Campbell’s Old Fashioned tomato rice soup made with milk (almond or soy) now. It was hard to source before. I can get it at the Acme five minutes away now.

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  7. Oh shoot. What is it we’re supposed to say when we don’t have time to even leave a comment but want all y’all, including pets and strange coworkers, to know I love you and need you, ripped bodices, sad glasses of water or not.
    Lovely coot!
    Lovely post!
    Just lovely.

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  8. We have about 5 years left on our 15 year mortgage and just about every day, my husband gets calls from various banking institutions (or scammers) telling us they can save us THOUSANDS if we just refinance. For a higher interest rate than we’re paying now and of course closing costs will be around $5K but it’s a great deal! Uh, wut now?

    I have $500 in my account to spare but there was a time not that long ago that I did not. When someone backed into my car, I had to pay a $500 deductible to get my car fixed. I did not have $500 so for over a year, I had to drive a banged up car and lemme tell you, it makes you feel like a trashy meth head to drive a banged up car. I may as well have thrown fast food wrappers on the dashboard. It took me over a year to save up that $500 deductible. Being poor is HARD.

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  9. What I love about the banks: When they make a mistake and take your money right now – it takes a week for them to “investigate” and return it! Really? One of my banks website was wacky the other night when I tried to make a payment of $250 – trying to get ahead a little. The site wouldn’t accept my payment so I went back and did it again later. Still no go. So I let it go. Only to wake up in the morning to find that they took 2 payments. Good grief. And now, they will take 5 – 7 days to investigate and return the money, while I can bounce checks. Ridiculous.

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  10. I had a friend who are strawberry yogurt, rotten banana, wheat thins and when she was feeling frisky drank hot water. We went on a trip together and gosh darn it, she found the same food there.

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  11. I do not understand why people just can’t do what they say they are going to do, or can’t just do their jobs as expected. Is that so hard? Lovely post and picture, Coot.

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  12. As has been well documented, I hate banks having worked in one. (My Viet Nam. I never should have been there and I didn’t have an exit strategy. No offense to actual vets.) The president of that hated bank, for whom I worked directly, had the receptionist order his lunch every day. He let her decide what to order for him, however, she had to decide between chicken salad or tuna salad. EVERY. DAY. That alone should have tipped me off.

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  13. Lovely post, lovely June. Such a pretty picture of you and the ones of Eds with Forest warmed my heart. Sorry for the hit on your credit score when the dumb a$$ agent lied about waiting until payday to run your card. No wonder you were livid.

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  14. My husband is trained to eat the same lunch every day. Without deviation. Ever. I refuse to make anything about it interesting because I make it, and I do not want him expecting anything from me in the way of creativity or excitement. Do I have the same attitude in bed? I’ll let you be the judge.

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  15. Don’t blame you for being irritated about the credit card. Technology is great until you can’t interrupt it. I bet she really didn’t mean for it to go through but the note in the system or whatever she used to “hold” it just didn’t work. Unfortunate for them since it soured your impression right from the start, and affected your credit rating.

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  16. I love coming here and reading you each week day. You have such a way of telling stories… it’s like reading a good book that you just want to get back to each day.

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  17. Aww, sweet photo of Edsel and Lily? or is that Iris?
    Hilarious post, even in the midst of being furious about the card charge. That letter sounds just like Grammy had written it. There have to be other mortgage companies out there.
    Berth and birth.
    Gay appraiser.
    Flump.
    Tee

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        1. What on earth are you talking about? She said which cat is that. I said it’s Forest. Wow, I really am a bitch, talking to Tee like that. Tee is a treasured friend here. And I honestly can’t imagine how you got “mistreating Tee” from this conversation.

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          1. I was joking, dear June. You yelled at Tee. (FOREST). It was all in fondness for you both. I know you like Tee. So do I.

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  18. Hi June, cute photo of you and such sweet photos of Edz and Forrest. I bet you could call around and find a local bank or credit union that has a old fashioned “M’am we want your business” attitude, good listening skills, and lower interest rate offer.

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    1. I hope you and Richard Pinkhouse have a good natter. Edz looks like the happiest dog on earth. “I always wanted an extremely floofy best cat friend.” At my very first pelvic exam (15?16?).the doctor, who had his hand up in there like James Herriot and a cow, gleefully told me I was built for having 12 kids.

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  19. We have so many Amazon snafus in our neighborhood, that I fully expected that to be the case with your fishing gear. Every day it’s “did anyone get the package that was supposed to got to 123 My Street?” three or four times a day. Like Amazon has completely gone off the rails in my ‘hood just leaving packages hither and yon.

    People who can eat the same thing every single day intrigue me. In a “what exactly is WRONG with you” kind of way.

    Your re-fi story is too triggering to even talk about.

    Lovely post June! Edz and For – BFFs.

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    1. I once read that … oh dammit who is that guy. The one who hosted The Tonight Show after Johnny Carson. The one with the chin. Goddammit. Anyway, I once read he had his assistant bring him exactly the same lunch for years. Then he’d order something else and order it for years.

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    2. I eat the same thing every day for lunch, mostly. Two apples, a tablespoon of peanut butter, and a banana. I do this for lunch at home as well as lunch at work. For work my snack would usually be a muffin I have baked and frozen, and at home it would be a toasted slice of grainy, seedy bread with honey. Knowing what I am going to eat makes my life simpler, just one less thing to think about.

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  20. If the perfect Southern gentleman (what’s left of him) ever liked The Band, I’m sure he will appreciate Little Pink.

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  21. Refinancing is such a hassle. I wouldn’t do it unless it is really a great deal. The post was delightful, but I lost my focus after that cozy animal shot at the end. So stinking cute.

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  22. I also have a chair that I never sit in. It is totally Franklin’s chair, with his doggy pillow on it. Nobody else sits there but him. We also have our places when we all watch a movie–it’s weird how we assign seats even when we don’t really have assigned seats.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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    1. My cat has her own chair. I recently put a new chair cover on it and she wouldn’t get on her chair, so the cover has been washed twice and she still won’t go near it. She won the battle when she slept on the floor in front of the chair. The cover has been removed.
      Tee

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  23. I hate dealing with anything bank, Insurance or legal. It’s always a cluster. My husband has been saying we need to look into a trust which will entail all three! And by “we” he means me since I handle all that crap.
    Lovely post, June

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  24. Yes, I have received the up-and-down look from a bitchy gay man and he was an old friend from college. We were friends when he was barely out to the world and still had his pudgy, almost-still-a-teen body. We were friends when he wore khaki shorts with penny loafers and danced around the dorm room to Madonna. We were friends when he ran into my parent’s house, giddy because he just heard Can’t Take My Eyes Off You by Frankie Valli on the radio and it gave him chills. 7 years later I run into him on the street and he treats me like he’s some rich socialite and I just rolled in from the holler. Yeesh.

    That is a great photo of you!

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  25. Hansel and Gretel!
    Killed me dead. I am once again so impressed how you can write about the most unfunny things and make it so fun and entertaining!

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  26. Lovely post Coot.
    I hate when the bank takes money out of my account before you authorize it. They then charge you forty gazillion dollars overdraft fee which causes all of your other payments to bounce and they charge another forty bazillion dollars for each nsf and it just keeps going and that’s how I ended up living outside the Hotel Cecil.
    I have contested more than one of those hits to my account and they had to reverse them. But only after I had to pull out my Karen persona.
    Edz and his cats. So sweet.
    I one time got a package in the mail and didn’t look at the address. I opened it and found a check for FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. I about fainted. Then I realized it was not made out to me but to the resident former whose McDonald’s Franchise application had been denied and his deposit returned. So no Big Mac Daddy for me.

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  27. ‘Berthing’ instead of ‘birthing.’ Bwaahahahaha! Great line, kiddo. And the pics of Eds and Fo. Omg, that just touches my heart so. Your hair looks great in that photo, by the way. 🙂 Your mother’s neighbor

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  28. Lovely post Coot! Love your hair – it’s got kind of a Bonny Raite thing going in that picture.

    What’s left of him – snort

    CommandoBarbie

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  29. I refinanced. Hence my ability to retire at such a youthful age. Love my credit union. You are correct on the appraisal shit. Ours was close to $500 and she was here less than 10 minutes.

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    1. I use a credit union for my banking but they don’t seem to do refi. I looked, hoping they would and I could give them the business, as it were.

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  30. Geeze realizing my comment was a reply and not a stand alone comment. Great post! Perfect way to start my Wednesday. Richard Pinkhouse sounds lovely, and I love the pictures of Edsel and Forrest.

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  31. Your hair looks absolutely gorgeous!!! Great photo. My husband spent three days for hours trying to re-finance for that low rate they advertised but the closing costs would be $5000 and the rate was higher than advertised. Is anyone honest any more?

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      1. When I worked at GW, the grunts got a 1.8% yearly raise. The manager would give this gleeful news at the yearly review. One year, I just Ana& said, “They can’t spring for 2%”
        Just another adventure climbing that corporate ladder.

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