Some break

Here’s a dumb thing I just noticed I do. All the other cats get dry kibble, but Forest, who is still technically a kitten, gets canned kitten food. The vet said the canned part is important for male cats. Ima go ahead and assume we’re avoiding crystals. I don’t mean that we’re avoiding Crystal Gayle and Cristal Carrington, although I am. And Crystal Gayle should avoid me, as I will COME AT HER with scissors.

Anyway, while the other cats are situated over their bowls of delicious pellets, I get a can for Forest, who meeps impatiently.

And every day, I announce the flavor to him. “Oooo, ocean whitefish and tuna today, Forest!” I’ll say, then sploonk it in the bowl.

I just noticed myself doing it today. Why do I do this? He doesn’t understand me. And who am I to “Oooo” over any of the flavors, anyway? For all I know, ocean whitefish and tuna is the ham-n-cheese Hot Pocket of canned cat food.

Anyway that’s enough about cats. I’ll never mention cats again.

I was opening the blinds this morning, which by the way takes forever. There are eight of them. Nine if I remember to close the blind in the laundry room. Anyway, I was in the midst of this arduous task when I noticed a woman taking a walk past my house.

She had on a long winter trench coat, as in it was puffy. She had gloves. She had on a knit hat. And then she topped off this look with earmuffs.

“Hey, Google, what’s the temperature?”

“It’s 42 degrees right now,” said Google, who you could tell was also judging this woman. Google was rolling its computer eyes.

It’s 42. You’re not walking on the Arctic Circle. Geez.

Ima feel really bad if that was Faithful Reader and Neighbor Audra walking.

I, too, have been walking, but at night after dinner, to try to ward off this layer of fat I’ve acquired over the break.

The break. Why did I just call it that? Let me get my spiderweb so I can web it in there with my ass thread: Some Break.

Wow.

Anyway, I know women are supposed to hate themselves and obsess over their weight but I usually don’t and I assure you I need to be talking a walk to, like, Scotland and back each night to burn enough calories.

There’s a woman at work who looks fabulous, and she just walks like 10 miles every night like it’s nothing. Someone else at work needed a document, and the fabulous woman just strolled over the 7 miles and dropped it off.

“You want a …ride home or anything?

“Oh, no! I’m good!”

See, I wish that were me, but I literally dreamt I was eating Little Debbie Swiss Roll Snack Cakes last night, and maybe my goal could be to walk 10 miles to a Little Debbie store.

God, that was a great dream. I was so happy to have a Swiss Roll. I haven’t had a LDSC in, well, since whenever this break started. I really need to stop calling it that.

I’m gonna HAVE Swiss Rolls if I don’t cut it out.

The last time I ordered groceries, I got a bunch of stuff that would be good if we lost power because we were getting an ice storm and they literally said “Power failures are likely,” which is always comforting. So among the many room-temperature groceries I purchased, I got those pink iced animal crackers. Remember those, from childhood?

In case you’re wondering if they’ve held up, if they’ve passed the test of time,

THEY

SO

HAVE.

And this particular bag has varied the icing, so sometimes you’re eating a white-iced camel and sometimes a pink-iced monkey. That sounds like an insult. Why, you pink-iced monkey.

My grandmother—the nice one, not the one I turned into—worked in some factory during WWII while my grandfather was off in the war. She told a story often of this man in the factory who would pat her on the ass. That’s how gramma put it. “He was always pattin’ me on the ass.”

My grandmother had patience until she didn’t, and one day she had HAD it and she said, “Why, you goddamn 4-Fer son of a bitch” and hit him over the head with whatever little tool she used in the factory.

Of course, SHE got in trouble for it and not the #metoo guy. They said she’d “questioned his heritage” by calling him a son of a bitch.

The whole story is maddening now, but I’m telling it to you because whenever she told that story, I’d think “4-Fer” was another swear. I thought it was maybe the F word 4 times, although in a million years I never heard gramma say the F word. “Goddamn son of a bitch” you’d hear 46 times a day. But not the F word. (During the war, if you were someone they determined couldn’t fight, you were classified as 4-F.)

Once my mother had a friend over, a friend who outwardly seemed very sweet, and my grandmother dropped something and she said, “Why you — oh, BANANAS!”

It was just so phony that everyone laughed. Don’t whip out the banana for company.

Anyway, I seem to have gone off on a tangent, which is not like me.

I have to go, but I do have one more exciting bit of news. As you know, from your enormous book of June events, months ago, maybe even a year ago, Miss Doxie sent me a Ring doorbell and it’s one of my favorite things. If I were Julie Andrews I’d include it in my song. Doorbells that spy and they call themselves Ring. These are a few of my favorite things.

So she and I were on a Zoom cocktail party the other night. Miss Doxie and me, not Julie Andrews and me, although she is always welcome. Doxie showed me on her tablet the MYRIAD Ring doorbells and cameras she has all over her house and it was beautiful and then she said, “I’m sending you the camera for the back of your house” and two boops on her tablet later, she said, “You’ll get it Thursday.”

But I got it WEDNESDAY, and I am going to put it up on the back of the snake shed, so I can see the alley behind me, which I assume is usually free of shenanigans but you never know now that 72 people have moved in next door. But what I DO know is animals are back there and I cannot WAIT to look at them all with my new wildlife camera. Do you like how I changed what it really is in just one paragraph?

What I’m saying is, brace yourself for many Ring camera captures of raccoons and antelope. And maybe Little Debbies in the wild.

Talk at you.
June

64 thoughts on “Some break

  1. I just want to say I am impressed with the range of topics covered in this post! And also I would eat those frosted animal cookies until I was sick.

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  2. I live alone so it doesn’t matter if I sound like an idiot when I intone to my cats, “Do you want some fiiiiishyfoooods? Doooo youuuuuu?”

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  3. Oh, I always tell Toby what flavor cat food he’s getting. He usually meows with delight! So when does FO go off kitten food and on to the kibble? Your mother’s neighbor

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  4. I get so much joy from our Wildlife/Ring camera. Our porch is known as the Front Porch Diner because I always keep a bowl of cat food ready for whomever comes along. The raccoons have gotten really pushy and if the bowl is empty, they will go to my kitchen window and knock. A cat who lives on the next street pretty much hangs out on my porch all day, waiting for a hit of catnip. Yes, I’m also the neighborhood catnip dealer.

    A friend of ours was married to a Vietnamese immigrant who was always cold. It could be 85 degrees and everyone would be in shorts and tank tops and she’d be wearing a down coat and knit cap, shivering.

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  5. And also……….an old clUSA commercial just popped into my head.

    “Kibbles and bits and bits and bits.”

    I think it was for a dog food.

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  6. In England some words they use are biscuits or biccies. (For the hard crunchy pet food.)

    I like to think you announce because you are a chef. A chef you had opposable thumbs, which Forest doesn’t, to fed him his delicious gourmet.

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    1. Just a heads up that if you leave near an Aldi they sell Girl Scout cookie flavors for approximately .98 cents. The chocolate/peanut butter are amazing.

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      1. The dollar Tree version of thin mints is exactly the same as the GS brand that are now $6 a pack. 6 times the cookies for the same price? Thankyouverymuch!

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  7. I bet the canned food does have some variances in taste, and since you tell him the flavor, he knows what’s he’s getting each time. I don’t have a cat but if I did I’m sure I would announce the flavor too.

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  8. How I love Little Debbie Nutty Buddy. So much so I haven’t bought any in years because the last time I bought them I couldn’t stop eating them. Thankfully, I’m no longer tempted to buy them.

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  9. I recently got a box of Special Edition Little Debbie snack cakes that were unicorn flavored and they were absolutely wonderful. I ate two on the spot and when I went back to get another one later my son had eaten the whole entire box. Of course, since they are special edition I can’t find them anymore and now I am sad.

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  10. She hit the foreman with a ball peen hammer. Not sure if it is spelled correctly or what it exactly was, but I think it was a small hammer with a round end instead of a claw. Aunt Kathy

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      1. And also, she told me when we were all grown up that he had not touched her butt, but her breast. She never wanted Daddy to know that part.

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    1. OMG I am laughing so hard! I can just see her doing that and the 4-Fer thing – I was almost tearfully rolling on the floor. You had to love her!!!

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  11. Having spent 48 hours with no power last week in single digit temperatures, I’m hoping your power stays on. I never want to do THAT again. Can’t wait for the wildlife camera!

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    1. It used to happen to us in Michigan and it was not pretty. I usually retain my power here, but if I lose it I know where to get a puffy trench and earmuffs.

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  12. Nutty Bars. Oh my god. I have to take a different path through the grocery store recently because they MOVED THEM UP FRONT.

    Can’t wait to see June’s Wild Kingdom on The Night Cam.

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  13. Ass thread. That’s awesome.

    I talk to my dogs. I’ve always talked to my pets. Even before this, our break. I think it means we are completely sane and rational individuals.

    Am excited to see animals on your new Ring trail cam. And perhaps the occasional drug dealer. Hopefully no snakes.

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    1. I never realized how much I talk to my pets until I went on a run without my dogs and realized I had nobody to talk to and I was BORED. Apparently, I kept up a running (get it?) commentary with them: “oh, look at that pretty bird! Did you guys see that? Ooh, the water looks good today.
      Here comes your doggy friends. Gracie Lou put that DOWN! Puppie, stop trying to herd me. We’re almost done and then we can all get treats!” etc etc.

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  14. Ok, I’m back because I have a few more minutes before the hated ZOOM. I also talk to my cats. (And my dog, the poor stupid thing (not the brightest dog I’ve ever had. sigh).) My cats have dry food available all the time, but once a week, on grocery day, they get to share a can of wet food. Apparently this is the black tar heroin of catdom. My GOD, the leg-eighting, the purring, the rubbing, the meowing when they see the grocery bags. And I actually think it might be the same brand and flavor that you announce to Forest. It has a shrimp piece on top, and that shrimp goes to Phyllis. Not Albert. And God help you if you mess that up. (Albert doesn’t really care about the canned food, but Phyllis does, so he eats his half just to spite her.)

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    1. I’m not sure how it’s gonna go down next month when Forest no longer needs cans of kitten food, for he will be 1 and a grown man with a job and a mortgage. I feel like outraged meeps are in my future.

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      1. This is not advice… I just wonder if he could be weened by adding 10-25% dry next to the canned food; gradually increase it. Refrigerate the unused portion of canned food for the next day. Also I am now craving iced animal cookies, thin mint Girl Scout cookies, and Oreos. I never buy cookies but …. ugh I want some soooo badly now. Oh yeah, congrats on the Ring Doorbell present for the Snake Shed. I’m about to set up cameras to find out what humans may come by the front …. and the raccoons and skunks that lurk everywhere else 👀

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  15. I will be back later because I have many comments today, but also a hated ZOOM in a few minutes. But let me leave you with my favorite Animal Cracker joke which elicits groans from my family every time I drag it out:

    Don’t eat the Animal Crackers if the seal is broken.

    I slay myself.

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  16. Can’t wait to see the night cam results! I’ve been through several (and the Oscar goes to the fox climbing into a hole in a tree) but they all had issues of some kind or stopped working. I hope yours is flawless so I can buy one like it.

    Still scratching my head over “4-fer”.

    Oh wow. Sitting on my porch and just saw two red-shouldered hawks makin’ whoopee. It lasted two seconds.

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  17. P.S. We have been having deer in our yard. Last week there were seven in our front yard and I saw two down in the back yard this week. My cat is not happy about these big dogs in her territory.
    Tee

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  18. I need to figure out a camera situation that doesn’t require any power so I can see if we have a wild fox or just idiot neighbors who can’t be bothered to pick up after their dogs. I will happily return the crap to their doorstep if it’s the latter.

    Lovely post, pretty June x 2 because yesterday went to hell before I could comment. I find this year of “absence” has significantly reduced my people tolerance level which is ironic because all I want to do is be with people – until I am. Enigma?

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    1. Arlo makes a camera that runs off a battery. When the battery gets low it warns you to charge it. We only have to charge ours around 2x a year.

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  19. Delicious pellets just cracked me up. I love the fact that you talk to your pets, I do that as well. Trudy, just ignores me. That’s really generous of Miss Doxie sending the camera. I don’t recall dreaming about food, but I have been buying more and more junk food, I have to stop! Right now I’m stuck on cream cheese with the chives and garlic.
    I don’t get FB, I tried to find Jan’s photo.

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  20. We can hear coyotes howling nearby every night. A few weeks ago, my husband was taking a dog out after 11pm and a coyote ran through our front yard!!! Jim was so glad he had Cody on a leash! Makes me want to get a Ring doorbell now to see if they travel near us more often.

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  21. I live in an URBAN area, and you’d be shocked at the wildlife we see with our own eyes. Our favorites are the Night Herons at dusk with their super cute yellow legs. It’s like each morning they wale up and say “Let’s wear yellow tights with out blue feathers!”
    I can’t imagine the goodness we’d see with a camera.

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  22. Lovely post, June. Ms. Doxie is certainly a generous person. Can’t wait to see what new animals join your household. And I believe the bundled-up woman walking in your ‘hood may be from California. 42 degrees is cold!

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  23. I like the chocolate version of those animal crackers. They satisfy my urge for chocolate without upsetting my system. They do be delicious as you would say. The nutritionist at my diabetic educational classes recommended them. They are cheap too at Wally World.
    He has a camera for the front door. Not a ring, something else. Now I want one aimed at the bird feeder outside of the bedroom window so I can become even more of a little old lady.

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    1. I loved the ham and cheese hot pockets. I can be very vanilla with my foods and I don’t go ham because my every day lunch if I had one would be ham. My bff’s husband had one or two ham sandwiches, a package of Tastycake butterscotch krimpets and a snack pack butterscotch pudding every day for decades. He was a mailman on foot and remained thin. He got a pot belly after he quit smoking.

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      1. Thanks for the memory! TastyKake Butterscotch Krimpets were Mom’s favorites! In the 1950s at my grandparents’ house in Media, PA, my brother and I were allowed to have one each day after we went swimming. One krimpet, not one pack of three! In 2004 I got Mom an entire box before I flew back from Poughkeepsie, NY. The TSA lady said she would have to confiscate them, and I said it was OK. She was just kidding, though, and she said they were her favorites as well.

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        1. They have those krimpets with cream inside them like a twinkle but better now. I have to avoid the display not to buy them. Now I only want them with that cream inside. How quickly we grow spoiled.

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        2. One krimpet! The individual store packs had three and the family packs just two. I felt cheated with the two so I would eat two family packs. Sometimes I shared the fourth one with the dogs. They love them. Why so chubby? TM Pretty Joon.

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  24. In a text this AM, my daughter-in-law told me she dreamed of me last night and we were eating smoked sausages. Neither of us even like smoked sausages.! I said she needs to work on that and get back to me. Wings, maybe?
    I so look forward to your wildlife photos!

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  25. I laughed at you. Or this made me laugh. I never dream of food. Well maybe an eggplant now and then. But as Freud said an eggplant is not always an … never mind. Lovely post June.

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  26. Our outdoor Christmas decorations were stolen off our front yard, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, while I was in the house a couple years ago. That was all it took for us to get a couple cameras. But I don’t have the doorbell view and really, really want it, even though it would mostly look at our retaining wall. Anyway, I hope you capture lots of animals and not lots of gypsys, tramps, and thieves on your shed camera!

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  27. I have never really like my looks and having to see myself on zoom makes me realize I’ve morphed into Droopy Dog with my jowls and horrible bags under my eyes but… today I took a selfie just for you June.

    I just have to figure out how to post it in the comments. Son of a….

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    1. I don’t think you CAN put photos in the comments, which is a shame, as I would have asked you all for nooods ages ago. Als0, Droopy Dog. I am dying, over here.

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