Was a rock lobster

When we last spoke, I left you in suspenders. But all is well. Ish.

I was writing to you two days ago when, at 8 a.m., my phone rang. The phone rings in this laptop, too, which is convenient most of the time (because god forbid I get up offa this chair) but at that hour it was jarring. Especially when I saw it wasn’t my lawn guy, who thinks nothing of calling at 7:15 a.m. “Hello, Miss June!”

It wasn’t my lawn guy. It was a relative. It wasn’t a rock. Was a rock lobster.

Anyway, it was 6 a.m. her time, so right away I knew. Right then I knew.

One of my relatives had taken ill, quite suddenly and quite awfully, and that relative went to the hospital for a night or two but has been released and it is a treatable illness so I can stop feeling like a bus is about to hit me all the time.

I had no idea you could be so drained from mental stuff. As I told one of my friends, I trotted a marathon once and I was less tired. Of course, I’m also an old woman now. [taps cane for emphasis] Things make me tired easier. Like, if I go to the bank I’m all in after. I haven’t been to a bank since 2019, but whatever. I’m old, is the point.

You know who’s NOT old is Forest, who I threw a mouse at this morning. A toy mouse. I didn’t forage for a live rodent in a field somewhere and bring it in and throw it at my cat, although that would certainly be interesting.

Anyway, I threw it at him and he’s been puffing about the house with his puff fur, dashing hither and yon over that fake mouse. My point is, he’s just managed to open the closet door himself, all in Mouse Quest. That’s a charming feature. He can open doors. Great. That’s just what you want.

I made a “how it started/how it’s going” meme out of him for his Instagram page (@forestmeep). His vest is ridiculous. Does anyone know from cats? I mean, I do. But I don’t know this. Is it possible he’s just a domestic cat with a vest, or does this mean for sure he’s some sort of breed? All my cats have come from shelters or gutters or cemeteries or dive bars or rehab, no, no, no.

Well, that’s not true. I just remembered that in 1985, I bought a Persian at the pet store because I didn’t know any better. He was the best kitty ever, though. He was cream-colored and I named him Confetti because I got him on New Year’s Eve. Oh, I loved that cat.

What perm? That was my natural—OK, look, it was 1988. What do you want from me? Even Confetti is appalled.

Anyway, I feel like I’m making shit up when I say, “I think he’s a Norwegian Forest Cat,” but given that Forest looks like that, is there any way it might be true that he’s just a cat cat? Or am I not wrong when I say Norwegian Forest Cat? Please advise.

I feel the same about Edsel, who one of you told me was a Carolina Dog and of course I don’t really know. His DNA didn’t reveal Carolina Dog, but DNA tests don’t know to LOOK for Carolina Dog. But when you GOOGLE “Carolina Dog,” here’s what you get:

No; somebody did NOT steal a photo of Eds from my blog. That’s a whole nother Eds being a Carolina Dog model, a gig he could clearly have also gotten. We could have put in a flipper on those bottom teeth. No problem.

You know who’d do well at a photo studio is Eds. “The Carolina Dog is not always shaped like a letter C.”

Anyway, I’d better go shower. I made a decision the other day to wear makeup every day, because I was rarely doing so and feeling like hell about myself so I said, “You might as well use it. It’s going to expire anyway, whether you use it or not.”

Do you know your makeup expires and gets bacteria-y? It does. You should replace liquid foundation every six months but mine is Chanel and I will use every drop till my face falls off in chunks.

You can keep lipstick for two years.

You’re supposed to replace mascara every three months, which is absurd.

Eye shadows and pencils? A year.

All of this makes you want to tell the cosmetics companies to fuck right off, doesn’t it? I mean, if you’re like me and expensive makeup is where you get your strength. I’ve ordered new eye shadow this year—actually, I think one of you sent it to me. But I’m being dangerous with the mascara. I’m cheating death each and every day. That mascara is all, Remember when you used to put me on and leave the house?

Even more tragic, I ran out of Latisse months ago and didn’t see the point of getting more, but my lashes have gone back to the sad teensy stumps of yore and it depresses me. My mascara is also, Remember when you’d put me on and then you’d actually see eyelashes after?

So when my tax return comes I think I’ll order Latisse. I gotta get ready to come out of hibernation. It’s not gonna be pretty. You’ll all have to see my face in its natural state and not shot up with filler or Botox.

Didn’t I say I was leaving? Yes.

OK, talk at you.

June

59 thoughts on “Was a rock lobster

  1. Oh, I love it when we talk about mascara! I have worn mascara every day since high school because I am blonde and my eyelashes are white. If I don’t wear mascara I look like I have teensy mouse eyes and people ask me if I’m tired. I once had my makeup professionally done for an event and the stylist did not put any mascara on my bottom lashes. Is this a thing? Is it because I am 52? Is it a trend? I didn’t think to ask her because I was perseverating on the pinchyness of the false eyelashes on my upper lashes. I’m not complaining – she did a fantastic job, but it will be a hard habit to break if we’re all not supposed to wear mascara on bottom lashes now. Please advise.
    June, things seem to be better for you, your relative, and your Johnson. I’m happy about that.

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    1. And your Johnson. Some people eschew the bottom lashes. I used to when I hated Bonnie Franklin more but I do it now. I forget why it’s “bad.”

      >

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  2. Yes, pretty sure handsome Forest is a Norwegian Forest Cat. Pretty sure my Nosy Nella is too. I found a pic of your cat under Black and Beautiful Norwegian cats, with the same ruff.

    My girl is a stray that was dropped off at a local farm, so I am not sure where she originates from. Her fur feels like silk and never gets matted. She has fur growing from her pads that she dips in her water bowl and than licks, and she has the quietest meow ever, except when she wants food. She was very tiny when I got her, the vet said she wouldn’t get much bigger, and here we are almost 10 years later and she hovers between 12 and 13 pounds, which is normal for a female Norwegian. Stand by, your boy can get much bigger than my female.

    I have had cats my whole life, and I gotta tell ya, Nella is the most loving and loyal cat I have ever had. There is nothing aloof about her and I am so glad she adopted me.

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    1. Google “Black Smoke Norwegian Forest Cat” and you get pictures of Forest! So, I definitely think he is a “breed,” not that it really matters. That is the thanks that June gets for rescuing a sweet black kitty from the cemetery!

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  3. I have not worn mascara in a year since the, to steal a phrase from another comment, pandammit. I did throw away any mascara I had left and replaced my foundation. I figured my lipstick and blush is okay. What about eyeshadow- how long does it keep?

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  4. I think I’ve worn makeup one time in the last few years. I can’t see up close for shit any more so I can’t see to put on eye makeup. If I try to put on mascara, I end up poking myself in the eye because I can’t see what I’m doing. I remember Harriet Carter or Lillian Vernon or one of those catalog ladies would sell these magnifying eyeglasses that had lenses that individually folded down so you could see to put on eye makeup. I need a pair of those.

    But since I don’t wear makeup on a regular basis any more, I’m pretty sure I need to toss everything in the trash because it’s all at least 5 years old. Possibly older. Probably older. Yeah, definitely older as I don’t even remember buying it.

    Damn, Forest is one magnificent, majestic beast, isn’t he?

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  5. I live on the edge with makeup. I wear it so rarely I’d be throwing it barely touched. I can see that mascara can brew all sorts and I’m just reckless there. Hopefully shaving my eyeliner pencil and scuffing off the surface layer of eyeshadow before I use it continues to work for me. It’ll take just one set of wedding photos were I have pink eye to teach me a lesson.

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  6. I now believe in reincarnation because Forest came back as your hair from 1988. Except, pardon me, he made it magically brilliant.

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  7. Forest indeed is regal! Such a gorgeous and glorious creature! Definitely not an ordinary cat. I have read the comments about mascara! Ugh. I have worn it a few times in my rather long life and usually, it ends up in my eyes – as my lashes are almost non-existent, so I usually go around bare-lashes. I try to use a little eye liner and brow dust – but I usually just count on my blue eyes to distract from the boring look of no eye makeup! I have always envied people with beautiful lashes – and they are almost all boys – like my grandsons! Sigh. Great post – love the Carolina dog – that is definitely Edz!

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  8. I had a cat who would bring his catnip mouse into our bed every morning and pounce on it a few times until we woke up and threw it for him to fetch. One morning I threw it and thought, “Wait, that didn’t feel right…” and levitated out of the bed and over to squint (no glasses) at the floor to discover I had just thrown a REAL mouse that the cat had brought us for breakfast in bed.

    A friend caught his cat opening the fridge to get the steak tips that he (the human) had just put in there. There is now a lock on the fridge.

    Norwegian Forest Cats might be trying to look like Forest, but he’s the OG.

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  9. I looked for pictures of Norwegian Forest Cats. None of the cats pictured was as impressive or regal-looking as Forest. He is quite a beauty.

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  10. Check out Elton John in fur, images. There is one when he was young that looks like he is wearing Forest fur.

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  11. Forest is like the Chia pet of pets. He started out all plain and ordinary and then he bloomed into something magnificent. I’ve never seen anything quite like him.

    So glad to hear the medical emergency is under control. That phone-call-at-the-wrong-time is a feeling you don’t forget.

    Lovely post lovely June! Tap tap tap!

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    1. Also thank you too for the B-52s this morning. Some how my mind went from Rock Lobster to Love Shack and now here we are.

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  12. 1. Forest certainly does seem to be a Norwegian Forest Cat. Which is amazing given his name. And I know naught about cat breeds, so you should definitely listen to me.

    c. C is for Carolina Dog. That’s a Sesame Street reference. I love Sesame Street. And Edz. I seriously thought that was his picture until I received clarification.

    IX. The makeup thing vexes me. I guess all of my stuff is expired now that this, our break, is reaching one year. God Dammit. Also too, I put on makeup a few times recently and now? Now I have SEVEN pimples. I am 44. What gives?

    Very nice, Coot.

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  13. I am DEEPLY offended that mascara expires so quickly and you can’t buy a smaller tube of it. Why don’t they make a travel size or something? I have never finished a whole tube of mascara, even when I was younger and didn’t know it expired.

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  14. My NFC had a winter coat (vest) and in summer he looked like a different cat. I know of no regular cat who grows his own vest.

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  15. So glad to hear your relative’s illness is treatable. Sending good vibes for his recovery.

    Forest is a stunner and looks to be wearing a full-length mink coat and Edsel appears to have a future as a Carolina Dog model.

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  16. I come from cats and boy oh boy is he stunning. Never seen one like that. Run, Forest Run and get on the cover of whatever Cat magazine is out there. Make mamma rich.

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  17. WOW! Forest is stunning! I actually thought you’d added a filter or something to the pic….I didn’t even know cats had vests. Obviously I am not a cat owner (or dog for that matter, being violently allergic to all fur, hair, dander 😦 ) Mascara – 3 month expiry. Pshaw…Yes that’s ridiculous. I wear a touch of makeup every day, including mascara, and it lasts longer than 3 months. I think

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  18. The “taps cane for emphasis” remark made me think of Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey. That is how you will be when you are older … still quick-witted and snarky, but with a cane!

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  19. I’m so glad your relative is better, relatively speaking. Hopefully, you’ll be able to rest now. I’ve been up for three hours this morning and can’t hold my eyes open. I love Forest’s vest. It’s an amazing sight. I must also replace a few makeup items, such as mascara and lipstick. My lipstick has gone rancid, and I’ve been dying to let someone know.

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    1. Oh My gosh Jeanie, thank you for saying rancid, I put some lipstick on the other day and thought man that lipstick stinks but it must have gone bad.

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  20. So happy to hear things are okay for now!
    I know not of cats, so I will defer to others’ expertise. I just think he is beautiful! I can imagine that he is a special cat instead of a cat-cat.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  21. It goes to say that Forest is magnificent. Instead of a vest, his fur reminds me of the little old church ladies and their mink stoles swung casually around their necks. You know the ones with the small animal mouths as attachments.

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  22. So glad your relative is better.
    Forest is stunning. I’ve never seen a cat like him.
    I just discovered makeup (foundation) will dry up. I was going to apply some last week for a Zoom meeting and it’s wouldn’t come out of the bottle. I’m with you on forgetting the expiration dates, I’m using up the blush and mascara. I have decided that maybe a good moisturizer is going to work with a little blush. I actually applied my new routine of makeup this morning because I have a dentist appointment, which is always fun.
    Tee

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  23. That is one damned fine cat.

    Hope the week is improving for you, your relative, and also me.

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  24. I just showed the picture of Forest to my husband too! He agreed, Forest is beautiful and looks like he’s wearing a vest.

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  25. I gave up wearing mascara before the pandemic because of my horrid stumpy lashes and my fear of using something like Latisse near my eyes. (I may try it though because clearly you did not go blind from it.) I only recently returned to wearing mascara and this is not advice, but OHMYGOD Thrive mascara is great.

    Forest blossomed into his glory because he is in the perfect home.

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  26. I have never seen a cat with fur like that, he just looks so stunning I think!
    I am having the stumpy eyebrow situation, they have never in my life been this short, not even mascara really helps. The last time Ibisen a lash serum it dried my eyes out horribly, so I am scared to try again.

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  27. Forest is no ordinary cat cat. If he isn’t a Norwegian Forest cat I’ll eat my shorts.
    He’s such a beautiful boy.

    I’m glad to hear the illness is treatable and hope things start to improve.

    I’ve had some eyeshadow pallets for years. They are ones I only use when I’m going somewhere fancy which, even before the pandemic, was very rare. I did just open a new mascara. I replace that pretty regularly because I feel like it gets clumpy and gross if I don’t. During the pandemic I made the switch from liquid foundation to tinted moisturizer. I’m not sure I could go back now. I think I’d feel like I was wearing a mask.

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    1. ACKshually she means REFUND. Your tax RETURN is the paperwork you fill out. The money you get back if you overpaid is your REFUND.

      You’re welcome. Slaps self.

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  28. That Forest is such a looker! He’s the only internet cat I call for my husband to see. “Come look at Forest! He is such a looker!” That’s my exciting pandammit life. If you hadn’t saved that gorgeous kitten, I’d have nothing at all. So, thanks.

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      1. He indulges me because it’s just the two of us and he’d godddam better. So, he got to enjoy Marvin’s excellent choice, too! It made us both lol.

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  29. I got to hold an actual Norwegian Forest Cat in actual Norway. He didn’t have a vest but all of him was puffy like that. He was a hoss. I loved him, and he let me tote him around for a good minute. We saw him in the -wait for it – forest, and he was just as friendly as could be.

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    1. You seriously got to hold a Norwegian Forest Cat in a FOREST in NORWAY? Oh my god. That’s the best it gets, right there. That’s one Barry Gibb encounter from a perfect day.

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        1. I’m glad to hear that your relative is in the mend and you’re not feeling quite all mentally drained.

          Currently seeking very mentally drained and hurting everywhere safety being mugged, King hit, then hard kicked in the head 5 times.

          I think given how expensive makeup is, everything should at least last 3 years. Surely they can do something to make that happen!

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