I’m thinking of moving to Michigan. Look, I’m not sure, OK? I’m in the deciding stage, where I have been since before the plague. But now that that is partially behind us, and my immediate family is vaccinated, and I am eligible for a shot on St. Patrick’s Day—which is the story of my life.
Actually I don’t know if I’ve ever actually DONE a shot on St. Patrick’s Day. Oh, wait, no. I HAVE. Several years ago, when I was thinking of moving to Winston-Salem (I know, OK?), my friend Marianne and I drove to a house I liked and shoulda bought, and we had dinner after and it was St. Patrick’s Day, a thing I recall because Marianne was GREEN GREEN GREEN oh my god GREEN. And they had some trollops there representing a whiskey company and they gave us a free shot of said whiskey and then they gave us all kinds of swag that I still own from said whiskey company and as usual Marianne made deep friendships with these young salesgirls, as that is the way of her people The End.
My point is, soon I will be able to move about the country, so I can go back to mulling this move. I wish to be closer to family and also I can keep my job; I’d just have to be a contractor. I realize that’s not ideal but it’s something that makes moving not impossible.
Plus, this neighborhood is bugging me. I’d kvetch about it but I don’t want anyone from this neighborhood to read this and abhor me. I mean, Faithful Reader Audra who lives on the next block reads me, but she’s bugged by the same things that bug me.
But on the other hand I love things about this house. I love the back yard, and all the light my little house gets. And how it’s six minutes from work, which will be back to being a thing soon, now that our break is over. I got on the habit of calling it a break and now I can’t stop.
My point is this: I’ve been sending my mother out on real estate hunts just in case I DO move, and I thought maybe it’d be fun to take you with us on our hunt. For Red October. What the hell is that? I mean, I know it’s a movie, and I assume it’s a BOY movie, so I never saw it because if anything gets chased or blown up, I do not care about it. Was Red October someone’s period? Was someone not wanting to be pregnant so they were hunting for it?
So, let’s look at the houses I’ve looked at and sent my mother to, so far.
Wait. First let’s look at one of the texts I’ve had with my friend Sandy.
I’ve been writing my Michigan people this week alerting them I might be moving their way. I had a long discussion with Hulk, of course. Hulk has retired and is bored so he’s looking for some sort of job to fill his time. I mean, he can now do ANYTHING, even be a cosmetics saleswoman at the Chanel counter, which may or may not be one of my dream jobs. We spent a lot of time trying to dream up a job for him, and it turns out our pal Hulk is frighteningly literal and it’s hard to get him to dream.
Somehow we meandered onto a job I loved: being a secretary at the old Episcopal church. I liked it cause it was such a beautiful old gothic church, and I mostly worked alone, except the occasional old parishioner would come in and I adore older people, especially now that I’m one of them.
“I could never work at a church,” said Hulk, who has to be literal about everything. Did I mention?
“I know, I just meant…”
“I mean, do you know how inappropriate I am?” he asked, on a roll the way I am about calling the pandemic a break.
Finally, we decided that if he got a job in a church they’d start a new movement called #YeToo, and I never could get him to see I meant to PROMPT him to think of a job he’d like. I also tried the prompt: “If they paid you in something other than money, what would you want? Concert tickets? Plane tickets? Kittens?”
“I’d need to work for money,” said Mr. Linear Thinker. Said Mr. Ima bout to get slapped directly in the ass by June.
Anyway, I also told my friend Saundra what I was thinking, and she texted, “Holy crap!” about 109 times.
So, she wants me to move right next to her, and see above where I warned her I’d be Wilona on Good Times, and then she made fun of my current references and really, we were roommates in college and we shared clothes and makeup and never fought even once, so moving near her isn’t out of the REALM, really. Her husband is tying a noose as we speak.
But let’s look, shall we?
OK, OMG, look how cute this one is.
Will I be, like, sued if I plop in photos? Here’s a photo from that house.
I have always wanted an entryway. At my apartment in LA we had an entryway. It was my favorite place I’ve ever lived.
OK, now how about this?
And, finally, here’s one in my actual home town, and I would have to redecorate, but I like to redecorate.
So, that’s what I’ve got so far and I will keep you posted and WHO EVEN KNOWS if I really will move. But I can shop. Shopping is free.
Talk at you,