jpeg of my heart

First of all, I have a migraine, and I doubt it’s the fault of the fine folks at Pa-fizer, who gave me a nice pa-COVID vaccine on Sunday. I’ve been back to being pa-plagued with them, and I hate everything and everything’s ox uncle.

I know that made no sense.

For, migraine.

Anyway, I have to work with one today because I have a lot to do because I did the thing where I asked, “Does anyone need any work done?” and apparently everyone was just sitting still hoping their work would get done, because everyone in the company said, “Hells yes, I do” and gave me work. What that was was a delightful sentence. Anyway, everyone was sitting still not noticing God carrying them across the beach so they could make a plaque out of it later, and when I asked for work they gave me a shit ton, including many, many pages of jpegs, and if you ever are sitting about wondering how you can irk your copy editor, send him or her or they a jpeg.

Again, the simplicity and beauty of my sentences. It’s just.

You can’t WRITE on them, jpegs, so you have to draw up a second document and say things like, “On jpeg A39302jrm392o23, on the second line, move the “is” to be behind the “fuckmunch.”

So that’s speedy and convenient.

All this, with a migraine! I’m in a mood.

I’m so sick of these things. I’m so over them. Nevertheless, they persist.

Aren’t you kind of wondering now what sort of sentence has “fuckmunch is” in it? Me too.

Anyway, other than the MIGRAINE, which I am pronouncing mee-grane today just to make things international, I got no other side effects from m’shot. Oh, my arm hurts a little but big deal. I munch pain. I fuckmunch pain.

Also, I’ve set up about 37 million appointments and dates for after April 17, when I will be free to be you and me-grane. Oh, I have PLANS, man. Plans. And Ned gets his Johnson (heee) & Johnson (heeee) today, just by chance. He was at Walgreen’s filling a prescription and he was asked if he wanted to sign up. Of course, the whole time he’s telling me this story, he’s saying “Walmart,” and Ned is not a Walmart guy. Nine years I been knowing Ned and he’s not once darkened the door of a Walmart. So he’s telling me this story, and he tells stories like a chick, where you’re all OH MY GOD WRAP IT UP. And I’m thinking, Since when does he get his prescriptions at Walmart?

But I know from Ned and his words.

“Do you mean Walgreen’s?” I interrupted.

“I’ve been doing that all day,” he said, as Ned not only tells a story like a chick, he also reports the events of his day to about 17 different women, like a chick. Ned also always ALWAYS calls pistachios walnuts. And at this point when he says walnut I just assume he means pistachio.

My grandmother had a bunch of sisters and other women relatives whose relation to her is murky now. I just know there was Wa and Ope and Mary Gertrude. Wait. Wa and Mary Gertrude were the same person. Anyway, trust me. There were a lot. There was also a Sarie, which I suppose was short for Sarah and in 55 years I’ve never considered that till now. And anyway they’d all call each other and relay the events of the day. If there was a particular story to tell, I’d watch gramma get that giant heavy black phone and drag it right to her lap, in her chair. Each call started the same.

First of all, she’d have to dial the number on that heavy phone with the heavy dial-y part. Ka-churrr. Ka-churrr.

“Oh, whatcha doin’?”

It was never, “Hello, Mary Gertrude? ‘Tis me, Nita, your sister.” It was always, “Oh, whatcha doin’?” And then she’d deliver her story du jour to each woman.

Anyway, that’s Ned. And like my gramma, who called Neo-Synephrine “so neo sifrine,” he gets all words wrong.

Let’s talk today about products from the ’70s.

Are there any that haunt you? There’s one pill for colds I can’t think of the name of and it drives me berserk. It was orange on one side, like maybe it was baby aspirin, and then a normal aspirin on the other. WHAT WAS IT CALLED? I can never find it. I think it was chewable.

Anyway I have to go. One of my longtime coworkers is leaving, so while I’ve been writing this, I’ve also been chatting with him on our work chat feature. We’ve been talking about old times, and how when he started he was 23 and now he’s 30, and it was a walk down memory lane. Is what it was. The whole time he was there I just kept being a middle-aged woman. It’s funny how that works.

All right, Ope. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. OK. Haha. Right. Yep. OK. Bye-bye now.

80 thoughts on “jpeg of my heart

  1. If you moved the ‘is’ to behind the ‘fuckmunch’, wouldn’t that be “is fuckmunch” , not “fuckmunch is”?

    Body On Tap. I loved that shampoo. I’d pretend to be in the commercial every time I washed my hair. I don’t remember the commercial now, but at the time I had it DOWN, man.

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  2. Sorry about your cholesterol. I’m borderline as well and since Fresca is my one vice, I hope never to have to take a statin. I eat a lot of home-prepared bean burritos, often using just canned fat-free refried beans, and steel-cut oatmeal. (We make a pot of oatmeal on the weekends and reheat for daily breakfast.) I have seen improved numbers.

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  3. I miss the rubbery cherry lozenges that my mom used to buy in the ’70s when I was sick. They were somewhat hard to find even then but they were the best combination of soothing, cherry(ish) flavor, and chewiness—even though you weren’t really supposed to chew on them.

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    1. Pine Brothers! I just found them online. I’m so excited because they still make them! But now I’m worried that they won’t be as good as I remember.

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      1. Sucrets were not chewy at any point that I can remember. Maybe when they are really stale? Plus, I remember Sucrets tasting terrible. They were definitely Pine Bros. The packaging describes them as “softish” which is on the money.

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  4. My dad always said “vengtable” instead of vegetable. Now that he is gone, we say it with affection and remembrance, but when he was actually saying it? Whoa Nellie.

    Ah, the 70’s. I am remembering Palmolive–and Madge, “You’re soaking in it.” And also, Calgone–Take me away! https://youtu.be/MVLzkTuVmrw Probably because of the Mr. Bubbles commercial.

    Hope your head feels better by now, June.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  5. I am here to tell you about jpegs. Yes, as someone mentioned above, you can open in Paint and “write” on them but, depending on which Adobe you have, there is an option to easily add a text box. I believe it’s Adobe Acrobat X. Have IT install that on your computer and you should be good to go.

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  6. Oh, gosh. Now I fear that Mr Bubble will soon get caught up in the latest non-issue that is Potatohead.

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  7. When I was in high school (early 90’s), my friend used Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific shampoo, and this was HYSTERICAL to me. I had never heard of it, and thought it was the funniest name. But then I could never remember the name, so I always called it “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Shampoo” (like I can’t believe it’s not butter, which was sweeping the nation at that time)

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  8. We never had kid’s TV dinners. Too expensive for 5 kids or after my time? Bit of both? My poor mother cooked dinner from scratch every damn night. She still cooks a ton at 82 but atleast they have leftovers now.

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  9. Sorry about your migraine. I hope it goes away quickly. My husband missed Pain Aids a medication they had only in the first aid boxes at his jobs. They may have had caffeine in them too like Excedrin. He liked Alka Seltzer cold plus too.

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  10. This quirky lady with whom I used to work and with whom I shared a cubicle area once won a ham in the random ham raffle we had at work one Thanksgiving. She won the ham and proceeded to call every single person she knew and tell them “guess what? I won the ham!” which I have no doubt confused everyone she called as much as much as it annoyed me having to listen to all the repetitive phone calls. Damn ham.

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  11. lol Cashews? Was there a shampoo called “Pert” or maybe that was even before then? It washed and conditioned all in one? Are you kidding me?
    I remember Nita and that big old phone – oh my – a daily rundown of all the ills!

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  12. This might have been the late 60s or maybe early ’70s. Shake a puddin’. You poured your milk from lunch into the container and shook it and it turned into pudding. I loved me some shake a puddin’.

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  13. To this day I hate grape flavor because of Dimetapp. I wish someone would remember that orange layered medication – I can see it in my mind’s eye, but have no idea what it is and now my brain is not available for anything else. Thanks June. The tv dinners – oh yes. I remember the foil trays and ripping the foil cover oh so carefully to expose part of the dish. And, holy crap, I went looking for photos to try to find my favorite one and those boxes are selling for $50-100 each.

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  14. Oh the 70s! Favorite cereal was Triple Snack which was basically Cracker Jacks. And Ideal Cookies which was a peanut butter cookie dipped in chocolate. Why so chunky?

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  15. Sorry you feel icky.

    I remember a breakfast bar that was chocolate with a firm texture (Carnation bar)??? But they were skinny like a tootsie roll, just bigger. I only had them at a friend’s house, my mom never bought the expensive stuff. But I can’t figure out or find them to this day and I swear I ate them and loved them.

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        1. They still made SFS until 2014! I bought some for my husband in around 2006 from one of those hipster candy stores that have everything and he was thrilled. I got him a SFS t-shirt, too. I guess they were available for a 50th space exploration anniversary in 2019 but I missed the window to buy them.

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  16. 1. I am so sorry you are having another my-grain.
    B. I think my husband might be related to Ned. I don’t call him Chatty Cathy for nothing, and I do that to his face. I’m like get on with the story, I don’t NEED all the details. And. He calls caulk cork. Drives me crazy.
    c. Hilarious post.
    $. Hilarious comments.
    Tee

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  17. Oh, whatcha doin’? When I first read the title, I thought it was a tribute to Peg, your neighbor, fmr.

    Hope your migraine eases up.

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  18. OK. Phew I am here. I SCREAMED over here to see it had infact had updated.
    My chatty Cathy husband says all kinds of things wrong. Drives me bonkers. He says baud rate when he means mod rate, for insurance. He calls hydroponic, hydrophonic. I guess that is when you grow plants in stereo.
    So glad you got your vaccine what with your delicate condition. I got my second vaccine and within 2 hours had a mee-graine that lasted 2 weeks. So hoping this is not the case for you.
    My 70s product would be Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific. But it didn’t.

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  19. I’m a bit older than you, so I was a teenager in the seventies. My product memory is of the original Herbal Essence shampoo. That fragrance was divine.

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        1. I turned 21 in October of 1980 and got married the next day. I became a teenager in 1973 you whipped snappers.

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  20. was it Corocidin? (or Coricidin? spelling?)

    Hope you feel better.. soon. And that work eases up…

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  21. “Ding ding ding ding ding…Mis-ter Bubble (pop!)” will be with me all day now, so thought I’d share the love. You’re welcome.

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  22. Can you use Paint (or Paintbrush is the Apple equivalent, I think) for these jpgs? It sounds unprofessional, but if they send you photo files and expect quick results, I would very likely slap some proofreading marks and edits on those files with Paint.

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  23. Jello 123 was the best. It was like magic how it formed into three layers. I also loved the soggy fried chicken TV dinners. The seasoning in the breading was an early form of crack for sure.

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  24. Was it Bayer’s or St Joseph’s chewable aspirin that was orange and white? I remember those!

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    1. Who else here thought St. Joseph’s orange flavored children’s aspirin tasted like candy so they ate an entire bottle and had to be rushed to the hospital to have their stomach pumped? No? Just me?

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      1. My cousin did that with flavored cough syrup. Our dads were watching us while our moms were out. He left it where she could reach it. She was stumbling around acting drunk. Trip to the ER too.
        I remember sipping Coke syrup on ice for stomaches. I loved the stuff but my mother kept the supply under control.

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  25. My husband does the word switches all the time. Like you, I just translate in my head. What’s also fun is when he gets an idea in his head that’s wrong, I remind him why it’s wrong, and then the next time he remembers it he remembers it wrong again. “I had more furnace filters in the basement – what did you do with them?’ “Nope. Remember you brought the empty box up the last time and threw it away?” “Oh. Right. I need to order more.” Two weeks later – “I had more furnace filters in the basement…” And we do it all again. Please also note – his first response it always “what did you do with it” when he can’t find something. That’s pretty much marriage in a nutshell.

    What I miss most from the 70s is eating all those absolutley fake, chemically created foods and loving them – no worries at all. Like Tang. That stuff was delicious. Now we gotta be all “clean”.

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    1. “what did you do with it” happens all the time around my house.
      My boss, fmr., worked in a Tang factory during the summer as a college student. He used to tell us about the manufacturing process. If they still make the stuff I would never drink it after my boss, fmr., shared his knowledge of making Tang. Eww.
      Tee

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      1. It’s a good thing that I didn’t know how Tang was made since I drank lots of it. We even made the spice mix made with Tang for a spiced hot tea. Remember the commercials that said the astronauts drank it in space?

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    2. Lisa, NTLisa. It’s like we are married to one man who has been cloned. Mine will swear he has a whatsit. No honey you gave that to Son-in-law #1. Then he will argue with me for 45 minutes until I text SIL#1 and ask him. Then two days later here he is again asking about the whatsit. Also, and too, he cooks with me. He will have made the same dish 450 bazillion times but every single time he will ask me “what goes in next?” or “Do I put vanilla in this?” No dear you are making cornbread. Vanilla does not go in cornbread. It is more trouble for him to help me do something than it is for me to just do it myself. I ask him all the time how he raised three teenagers by himself before I came along. I just don’t get it.

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    3. Oh my LORD, one of the very first newlywed fights we ever had was when I opened our apartment door after being gone all day and before I could even say hello, Mr. Texas with his red font voice said “What did you do with the ___?” I just blinked, backed out and shut the door, waited about two minutes, and opened the door again. To his credit, he stayed quiet until I said hello. That day he learned there is a BIG difference between “Have you seen___?” and “Where did you put the___?” I had been gone alllll day FtLoG!!

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  26. Oh how I wished I could use Mr. Bubble when I was a kid. It bothered my nether regions and my mom would not allow it.
    Sorry about the damn migraines.

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  27. And for “everyone was sitting still not noticing God carrying them across the beach so they could make a plaque out of it later,” I worship you.

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  28. My mother, for some unknown reason, persisted in calling my daughter by her full name, but with a French accent. Zhahkeleeen. No one really cared when she was an infant, but by the time Jackie was toddling around, well no, older than that but still quite young, Jackie told me to tell my mother to knock it off. So I did. It took mom awhile to switch to Jackie instead of Zhahkeleeen but she eventually did. And then our family went to a party where the guest of honor was French. And I introduced Jackie to Renee (of course) and she said, “ooooohhh laaa ees Zhahkeleeen.” You have never seen such a look on the face of a small child.

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  29. Sucrets, Chloroseptic spray and Bactine are what haunt me from the 70’s, I guess only medicines haunt me.

    When you talk about “the shot” I get visions of Shirley MacLaine shouting at the nurses in Terms of Endearment, “GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!!!”

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  30. I am getting a mammy-o-gram today AND going to the dentist. It’s going to be a thrill a minute.
    My mother-in-law has this very special way of pronouncing the name of the restaurant La Madeleine, using some weird accent, as la-mow-the-lawn. The rest of us find this endlessly hilarious, and it’s hard to keep a straight face when she says it.
    In the 70s my mother, who has forever had allergies, always had Afrin nose spray at the ready. We now know that stuff doesn’t really solve the problem, but the spray-sniffff, spray-sniffff sound is forever in my brain as part of childhood. Have we fully discussed Swanson tv dinners? My sister and I were just giddy when Mom would announce we’d have a babysitter that night and could go with her to the store to choose our tv dinners. I basically chose based on which dessert I wanted. (Story of my life.) I also LOVED Jiffy Pop popcorn over the fire at our lake house. Watching the little foil dome inflate was the best! I bought it again when my daughter was little. It was fun, but the popcorn kinda tasted sucky.

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    1. On Sundays, I often got the TV dinner for kids, where there was pudding, and like you, I was in it for the pudding, which, like you, is the story of my life. I feel like one of the options was a soggy fried chicken that was delicious.

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      1. Were those kid TV dinners called “Safari Suppers?” I loved those except it never failed that the corn got into the pudding and RUINED IT!

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      2. If I wanted cherry pie, I got the turkey with peas and carrots and mashed potatoes. If I wanted apple pie I got Salisbury steak with potatoes and who knows what else. I do not remember pudding (you bake that?? hot pudding? so to speak) or Safari Suppers.

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  31. Sorry about your migraine. I always pronounce it “Mee-grane” but I suppose that’s because I’m from the UK. How do you normally pronounce it – “My-Grane”? I felt fluey the day after my vaccination, but only for 24 hours, so I hope you feel better soon.

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    1. Vitamins is another work the UK pronounces strangely to us (US). Vet-a-mines. Also, too garage. We have friends from the UK and we always use their way of pronouncing words, which they thinks is hilarious.

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  32. Now I am going nuts trying to remember the name of that cold medicine too! I can see the ad where the two sides sealed up together…

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  33. My mother says Swifter instead of Swiffer. Peen-ya instead of penne. Mon-noun-unsaturated instead of monounsaturated. And the one that really kills me because in a conversation about them she will say it at minimum 75 times – mammy-o-gram. IT’S A MAMMOGRAM, MOM.

    Anyway, I loved Mr. Bubbles. Now I have to use Avon, Sensitive Skin which foams really nicely.

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  34. Why do I have Paulie Walnuts stuck in my head now? I don’t even know what that’s from. I am trying to be patient about getting my vaccination(s) but I am also jealous of friends my age here that are managing to get a shot. And I don’t feel like I should ask about health conditions (some of them I know are legit) and I don’t really want to know if they cheated to get it. But I also feel like I just don’t know the secret to getting it. And this should not be so frickin’ difficult! Anyway thanks for the update, sorry about the migraine!

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