Work it

Today I saw my trainer at 7 a.m. That’s the kind of butch-ass tough-ass ass-ass that you get when you read Book of June’s Abs. Which is going to by my new title once I get any. Abs.

I saw my trainer from May 2019 through late fall of 2020, and it got to the point that I could wear shorts without shame. And my forearms had that “she works out” sinewy look. But we have this money/retirement guy they give us at work—you can meet with him to discuss your finances—and you know how I’m gettin’ weird about my finances. He said my retirement looked good, so far, but encouraged me to put the MAXIMUM into it. I was already putting a lot away each month.

So I quit my trainer so I could put that money into my four oh wonk, and then I got fat. Right here in River City. With a capital F and that rhymes with S and that stands for Sonic.

Sonic, sonic, sonic…

I know my friend Seattle Steve is all, Why does she know a musical?

BECAUSE OF YOU, STEVE. OK? BECAUSE OF YOU. {sobs fatly}

So I kept telling myself to walk after work, or do Tracy Anderson, or take my ballet lessons I signed up for. And I would do those things a few times and then I realized sitting on the couch and eating is so much funner.

So I grew. As a person.

Then I went to the doctor and got my absurd cholesterol level and saw that when I was working out with said trainer my cholesterol was HALF what it is now. I called her on the drive home from the doctor.

“I want to get back together,” I said.

“Do you have any idea how happy my daughter’s gonna be? She said it’s so boring without June stories.”

So today at 7:00, we started back up, and am I hot yet? Is my cholesterol 14 yet?

And in case you wanted a cat count of who interfered with my training today,

Up yonder is culprit numero u-no-I-can’t-see-o. And behind her is culprit numero I-eat-number-two-o. Who is not a cat but he’s cat adjacent.

Also Milhous stuck his orange face in the camera a few times while I was doing a “plank.” I don’t know if it was a plank so much as sort of wet, distorted wood splaying on the kitchen floor.

Anyway, that’s done, and I stopped giving like 200% of my check to my 401(k) so I could afford this. I’m still putting away a lot. Calm down.

Oh! Also! We had a tornado yesterday. That was soothing. They warned us we might, as they do, and I once read when people say “they” they mean the Van Pattens. That was a long time ago, when the Van Pattens were everywhere. Remember Dick Van Patten from the hit show Eight is Enough? Why did we all watch that? It had a cast of the worst-looking people ever invented. And if you say, Oh, June, but that Grant Goodeve was a hottie, I don’t even want to know you. Why is that even a name?

Anyway, then there was Dick Van Patten’s son, Someone-Else-Van-Patten, who I can’t remember doing anything but having feathered hair and playing tennis with Farrah Fawcett. That seemed to be his only claim to fame. Feathered hair got you a long way then.

I’m telling you, the Van Pattens were a thing circa 1978.

So now I’m going to assume everyone would assume “they” is the Kardashians. Or Q-Anon. Either way.

I have a great idea, by the way. Can we go back to, “I don’t agree with that person’s politics”? Can we? Do we HAVE to make up shit about the other side, like, oh, they’re evil and cook zebras. BOTH sides, can we stop and just go back to boring old, “I really hate their stance on the minimum wage.” Can we just use our heads, please?

Why was I talking about Dick Van Patten? {scrolls up}

Oh my god, the tornado. Yes.

Remember in The Color Purple when Celie looks outside and says, “The sky was queer today.” Well, that was my yesterday. It was LGBTqueer. It was too … pale. And too still. And as a Michigan gal, I did not like it. I was just wrapping up my work when

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

It was not my ride coming to pick me up later, as they had promised with their Mr. Microphone. It was a tornado warning.

“Oh, son of a BITCH,” I said, and gathered ye petbuds while ye may.

Eds was not pleased. And perhaps you’re wondering how one gathers cats. I brought them into the hall with me, and some stayed, some strayed. And I thought, well. It’s your funeral, motherfuckers.

Later I saw on Instagram that Lottie Blanco has a large cat carrier she puts her two cats in during situations such as these, and I really need to be married to a sensible person like Lottie Blanco, except she’d have to be a dude as I enjoy dudes. Which, why? Given my experience with them thus far: why?

My point is, it was scary AF for awhile. The rain blew sideways in sheets, and there was a tornado nearby but not, like, on my street. The neighbors and I were all texting each other. “We just lost a branch!” I just lost my lunch, I thought. I didn’t handle it well. I was sort of shaky. But I faked it for Eds, who as you can see was blithely enjoying our trip to the Halls of Bad Medicine. Eds knew what was up. My outsides were calm but my insides were Large Marge’s eyeballs.

The point is, it passed, and this morning while I was waiting for my trainer to Zoom in, I saw 2394824905394 work emails. People just worked through the tornado. I was not one of them.

I have to go shower before work begins. I mean, apparently it never ends or begins at this point. But you know what I mean.

53 thoughts on “Work it

  1. Also! It’s complex when you look at money and lifestyle in the long term. Like I don’t NEED a gym subscription but I loved the classes and work harder with peer pressure. I’m not going to hesitate shelling out again as staying healthy will increase how long I’m going to be able to actively work and reduce future health costs (even in a country where most care is free at the point of use). Staying healthy is an investment into yourself rather than a luxury.

    Additionally, according to the maths if I gain weight at a 2020 rate for the next 30 years, I’ll need to pay for a wall to be removed so I can leave my house.

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  2. Cook zebras!

    Sobs fatly! I’m sorry this made me laugh so much but only because I feel it deep (deeeep) to my bones. Summer 2021 might not be cancelled and people will see me? Shit, I’m not even prepared to get prepared.

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  3. Omg I loved 8 is Enough. Watched reruns about 15 yrs ago on MeTV (spell check just tried to change that to Meth and glad I caught it because I was not on Meth while watching 8 is Enough) before we had cable. It was my happy time while kids were napping.

    Glad you are back working out. I find working out sucks but always great when it is over.

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  4. Large Marge’s eyeballs!!! As kids we’d pause the video to gaze on her amazing eyeballs. Makes me giggle to think about it again. Ok with the political talk. I try so dang hard. I have had multiple conversations with people on the other side of the political divide where we stay respectful mostly, but each time after a while I just have to back away seeing the amount of misinformation they insist on believing. I had one of these friends reach out a few days ago to get my take on some of the current issues, which I took an hour to write to her about. I asked her opinion on a couple of things, but then…her views on transgender folks just is making me seethe inside although she was sure to pat herself on the back and say how she supports them. Maybe things are just so crucial and personal right now? Like I said I’m trying, but what I call racism she calls “conservative people expressing themselves and getting cancelled”.’ ok now I’m getting mad again.

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  5. I grew up in a tornado area. We had drills at school and I never really realized they were SO dangerous. They were kind of like thunderstorms in my head.
    Now I only have one room that’s sort of tornado safe (laundry room, which is also the pantry) so I have the whole thing arranged so that nothing heavy is above knee high, in case things fall while we sleep in there.
    My husband is not from tornado land and he hates the whole idea of them.

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  6. Didn’t Dick VanPatten have a pet food company? Polly ate that food for many years. And one of his sons is a pretty famous director, I think – maybe involves with Ozark, among others. Internet too crappy to look it up.

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  7. I had a GYN for a long time that looked like Dick Van Patten’s twin! Was so funny as that was one of my fav shows for a while. My daughter had him too… even funnier.
    Way, way before your time, June – there was a horrible tornado in Flint, MI – I think it was 1953. We watched the clouds the night before, laying on our front lawn in Saginaw – they were so pretty. Then the next day my dad took us all for a ride to see the horrible tragedy in Flint. After that I recall so many hours of sitting on the basement steps waiting for the tornados to pass – luckily, never experienced one. I am so glad you survived! Can’t believe all those people just worked through that!

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  8. Re: political attitudes. One of the problems is the social media silo. Once solutions can be figured to at least help that situation, we are doomed for massive divisions.

    I remember having to herd cats down into the basement during tornadoes. Always fun.

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    1. I am at my Dad’s for the week. I like to look at old pics when I am here – my Dad was a photographer and so were his parents. He has some great black and white prints of the aftermath of that tornado. He grew up in Flint.

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  9. My husband could never remember the name of “Eight is Enough” and would refer to it as “there are too many people here”. Made me chuckle.

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  10. Good for you getting back in there with the exercise. I don’t like it one bit either but I have to get back to it, too. I also took a break and I can tell I’m not as strong because I’m wobbling when I never did before. I turn to look at something and I wobble. Used to be I could do all kinds of things without a wobble but now I can’t and it’s slightly alarming. They say it happens at 60.

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  11. Also, Grant Goodeve lives in Seattle and has hosted a travel show for years, Northwest Backroads, on one of the local tv stations.
    Still handsome.

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  12. I def watched that show and now you are right, why? I came from a family of 9 kids and it wasn’t remotely like that family. I guess I did think I wanted a dad like that. My father was not a tv dad.
    You are inspiring me to get a trainer. Thank you

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    1. Oh and one more thing. My ex sister in law’s brother was married to that Eileen person first. And she was not a nice person. My brother was at the wedding. He was a minor tv actor at the time. I think she was on a soap. Just thought proud be interested.

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  13. Iris looked so interested and happy (“Mom very entertaining….does circus tricks for cat amusement.”). Poor Edz… much anxiety.

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    1. Thanks WP, I wasn’t finished commenting.
      Those minutes that feel like hours until you get the all clear are excruciating.
      My only experience was when I was visiting family in Ontario.
      I was driving from one elderly aunt’s to another close by and the warning came just after I pulled out of the driveway.
      Of course I didn’t have the radio on so was clueless.
      Aunt 1 was in a panic until I arrived at her sister’s ten minutes later and called her.
      We hunkered down in the enclosed staircase in the middle of her old house.
      It was a no show as well thank G.
      I also have high cholesterol after years of normal counts.
      Blaming it on all the comfort food and baking over the last year. I’ll be cutting back on both, adding more fish to my diet, taking omega 3 and anything else to avoid meds.
      Forcing my fat ass off the couch and out for walks again should help.
      Hope your migraine has finally ended!

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  14. Friend, either you’re closing your eyes
    To a situation you do not wish to acknowledge
    Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated
    By the presence of a tornado in your community

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  15. Do all pets interfere with exercises? I don’t know whether they want to discourage this odd behavior or want to get in on the fun. When I lie on the floor to stretch, which is my only exercisial activity, I have to protect my face with a T-shirt or I get dogs’ tongues in it.

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    1. That’s because your minidogs are so excited they don’t have to climb up anything for a change to lick your face.

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  16. I just lost it over the picture of Edsul. Perfect GIF pic. It’s funny now but I would have felt the same, that’s terrifying. Glad it passed you by.

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  17. Lovely post Coot.
    We had 60 mph straight line winds the other night. Everytime it got quiet I would panic. I just knew it was a tornado. Luckily Elmira Gulch did not ride by on her bicycle nor did my house land on a witch.
    Love Edz and his panic face. Our big dogs could tell an earthquake was nigh when we lives in California. They would start acting all funny and would want to come inside. My little Bozz would sleep through it all.

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  18. Cook zebras!
    Go, June! Spending money on taking care of your health is a proper investment, too.
    During this past year I have walked and walked and walked (stomped!) around my neighborhood day after day, but what I have not done is any other form of exercise. I now have no upper body or core strength. I used to take yoga classes twice a week and usually a higher intensity dance type exercise class. Even though I didn’t think those classes were having a huge impact on me, clearly they were. I’m not as agile and flexible as I was. I know I can take that type of class right here on my tv, but it’s not the SAME, and I don’t really like it very much. I’m considering that returning to the Y will be one of my first regular out-in-the-world activities. I gotta get my fitness back, and it’s not going to be pleasant. At all.

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    1. I quit going to the gym maybe a year before covid hit, I was just burned out. Over the last year I’ve realized I *really* miss the gym and I don’t work out at home. I’m like you – walk, walk, walk. But I can’t wait until I can join a gym!

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  19. Vincent Van Patten, who is married to a former real housewife/soap actress, Eileen something, and what was the name of the guy with the afro-type hair? I want to say Willie something or other? That whole Eight is Enough family didn’t look remotely like one another.

    Poor Eds, I hate tornadoes, they freak me out, I understand your angst. And thank you for the tip of googling what lowers cholesterol, I have added oatmeal into my diet. I was walking daily but now have early arthritis/bone spur in my knee so am having fun on the sofa for a week…or so.

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  20. I’ve removed our avatars because I never read comments on this page, and I never ever read them from my phone, but I did and the avatars were cutting into the comments, at least for me. So it’s boring but it’s readable now.

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    1. I like it! Thank you! Some of the avatars were grumpy faces, and it made me think the commenters were grumpy. Which is insane, I know.

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    2. Thank you for doing this because on my screen the date was scrunched into the comment.
      The comment would read something like, “I went the drugstore March 15, 2021 two weeks ago and they were out of shampoo.”

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  21. Happy to hear you survived the tornado. I think the closest I’ve been is looking out my back window and seeing this… cloud, I guess. Wall cloud. On the ground in the field behind my house and it looked like a bruise and I couldn’t get any perspective on it or how it was moving but it was glowing. And I thought – Oh, we need to go to the basement. I heard later there was a tornado between us and a town about 5 miles away, think we saw the back side of it.

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  22. I’ve never been in a tornado. Glad you survived. At least now you are becoming more proficient in herding cats. Poor Eds looks terrified.

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  23. Sweet Iris. That face. How’s she doing?
    We walked yesterday for the first time in a while. It took as long to walk half the distance when we were walking on a regular basis.
    I have a friend when she says “they” she always adds, is that Lucy and Ricky and Fred and Ethel. Cracks me up.
    A tornado warning is scary! I hate this time of the year because of the threat of tornadoes (and the pollen and the pine trees have already started to bloom [sniff]). We have a basement, but have to go outside to the entrance, which is fun trying to catch Miss Trudy Trotter. Last time we were under the gun (TV blaring if you live in the area of so and so TAKE COVER NOW!!!) the cat decided to run out the door and under the porch. We left her for our safety in order to get to the basement. This is part of living in the deep south and we pay attention to severe weather threats. It can be a matter of life and death.
    Tee

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      1. I Love Lucy, an old TV program, the characters were Lucy and Ricky Ricardo and Fred and Ethel Mertz, their (Lucy and Ricky) neighbors.
        Tee

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        1. When my friend says, “they said such and such…” she always makes the Lucy, Ricky, Fred, Ethel reference about using “they”.

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  24. Glad you all survived. Eds and the cats need to start digging a cellar so when a tornado comes you can be like Dorothy trying to open the cellar door with the tornado bearing down, but the wind is too strong. On second thought, maybe just hide in the hall.

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  25. Lovely post June. I’m glad you all survived the tornado (even the strayers). And I so agree with you about the politics – it should be about the issues!

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    1. Tornados came through my area on Wednesday and I worked through them (yes, multiple). I needed the distraction. That’s not a brag, I would have found something else to do has it not been during work hours.

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  26. I was absent yesterday for the high blood pressure discussion. I am actively ignoring any health related things though, so that worked out. I am glad you made it through the tornado. We have them in MN as well and it is very unsettling when the sky looks wonky and green? yellow? and everything is so still you feel like you stepped into a horror film. Who works through a tornado? That’s crazy.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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      1. I still remember the green sky with lots of lightning the night the tornadoes tore through the northern suburbs of Atlanta in 1998. There were blue tarps on many roofs for months. Thankfully, they skipped us.

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  27. Investing in lower cholesterol is wise!!! Good for you!

    Glad everyone survived without lottie blanco needing a sex change and “it’s your funeral motherfuckers” will now be said on the regular in this house. 🤣🤣

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