I wish you coulda been here five minutes ago, although it’d be weird if all 10 of you were here at once. Also, hello, superspreader event. But Edsel was in an altercation with a crow, and the crow was clearly tormenting him, bouncing from branch to branch right over Edsel’s head and cawing at him. And there was the Eds, his head thrust up, the sun making a halo around his fur. He was appalled. He was outraged. He was singin’ songs and carryin’ sides, mostly say hooray for Eds’ side.
But by the time I stopped admiring the conflict of nature and got my camera, he was back to his usual serene wait to be let back inside. For all I know he got the crow and was digesting it.
So that brings me to now, wherein I am writing you with shaking arms (of cancer) because I worked out with my trainer. And if you don’t know the arms of cancer joke, try to read every post, will ya?
Doesn’t that drive you berserk? Like, when you post something on social media and people ask a question that was answered in the post? Carole Radziwill, with whom you know I am obsessed, posted a video of her waiting for a coffee pod to be done brewing, and her post was punctuated with a coffee emoji, and someone below wrote, “No info on what you’re drinking?”
First of all, WHAT IS THE OBSESSION with everyone wanting to know everything about every detail in a post? “What is that wallpaper?” I saw that this week on some other celebrity’s Instagram post. OH MY GOD HOOO CARE. Also, do you honestly recall the brand name of your fekking wallpaper??
And SECOND, SHE WAS AT A COFFEEPOT MAKING COFFEE AND USED A COFFEE EMOJI. What do you THINK she’s drinking, green Hi-C?
Purposely obtuse people stick in my craw.
I’m trying to think of anything interesting that happened on this, my third-to-last weekend of captivity. The house across the street is on the market, so I watched a parade of people drive down my normally quiet street. And just, for the record, if you’re looking at a house for sale? Could you be fekking quiet? You’re in someone’s NEIGHBORHOOD. Could you not, you know, shout at your person from opposite ends of the yard? Could you not screech into your phone?
Apparently I’m in a mood today, and that mood is June’s normal mood.
So that was interesting, and I secretly vetoed several people, and if they return, I’ll just chain Edsel up to the front of the house so he barks endlessly. And if any of my “yes” votes return, I’ll dress like Bugs Bunny whenever he dressed as a girl, looking all sexayyy. Many people would be driven to move into the house across from the sexy 55-year-old. “Hey, what about the house across from Whatever Happened to Baby June? That one was nice.”
Also, before the weekend started, I had a rather pleasant experience.
I started working at my company—not that I own it and if I did I would not be living here on Opium Street—on May 2, 2011. I was newly separated, and the Sunday night before I was to start I drove over there, just to make sure I totally knew how to get there and wouldn’t panic on my first day. When I got to the empty parking lot, there was Marvin.
“What’re YOU doing here?” I asked.
“I just wanted to see where you’d be working.” Then he got in his car and drove off to his mysterious apartment that I had told him to not tell me where it was. Turns out it wasn’t far from my office. Not that I own the office and if I did I’d have less of a nose right now and more of a jawline.
Anyway, when I started at that job, I worked on one client’s account, as did about 50 other people. We had one whole floor of the building that was just us working on that one account. And I don’t quite know how to describe it other than it was magic. And that’s not just me: Lots of other people who had been on that account said the same thing.
We all liked each other. And even when we slightly didn’t like each other, we all respected each other. And we worked really hard but we had the best time. We just—we had chemistry, man. Do you recall those first five years I was at work? We were always stampeding to happy hours together, and to parties at each other’s houses. We hung out at lunch and on our breaks. It was really great every day. I never dreaded going to work.
And then things changed. We got moved to other accounts on other floors. Some people left. Some people still worked there but you never saw them. I got put on another account where I was the oldest person and everyone ignored me. I’d go home on Friday night and an hour later I’d see a social post of everyone out for drinks and I wasn’t invited.
That was hard.
But then things shifted again and I have friends at work, some of them from that magic first group. The people who snubbed me are mostly gone. I can’t wait till THEY get old and ignored. I’ll be 92 and shaking my cane at them. “HOWWW DOES IT FEEEELLLL?” That was my old-lady voice.
So, last week, one of the core members of that original magic group told us all he was leaving to go work for a Finnish company, as you do. He was Finnished working at our office, is the thing.
We had a Zoom goodbye, and our group being our group, we made a goodbye presentation for him with photos through the years. And I’ll tell you what. For an hour, we were back together. We got the band back together. It was all of us talking at once, and me laughing so hard my throat hurt. There was Ryan, with a hilarious one-liner. And Griff, just being Griff. It was the best hour I’ve had in a long time. If I were that guy I’d rethink Finland after that meeting.
So that was lovely, and I think I’m the only person in America looking forward to returning to the office. Which isn’t even a plan yet at my office. But still.
Oh, and while we’re up talking about returning to life, not that some of you ever left it and if you think I will forget that, ever, I will not. I saw your true character. It’s not something I’ll just get over one day. I saw you. Prioritizing your fun over other people’s lives. I don’t care how you spin it; that’s whatcha did, man. You are a “Let them eat cake” person.
Anyway. While we’re talking about it, here’s a thing I did that I regret. Last year I don’t know if you noticed but we were mostly at home. Most of us. And I TOOK that time to grow my roots out, my white roots, and then in July I relented and dyed them again. And I wish I’d just kept at it because by now I’d be totally white and I’d see if I liked it or not.
So I haven’t dyed my hair since November 2020, and I have a hair appointment in April and I can’t decide. Just get it cut and not dyed or do the whole shebang? I really can’t make up my mind. I’m Ned with a menu right now. Ooo, how about a poll?
OK, I gotta go to work. I am late getting something to Ryan, of the one-liner Ryans mentioned above.