Pork chops and cats

On Friday, my pear tree was little white buds and today it’s mostly leaves already. I’d get up and take a picture for you, but that would require effort. I’m going to go out on a limb (BAH) and assume you can picture a tree with buds and then leaves.

I’m on a diet. Perhaps this is why I’ve been in a MOOD as of late. Perhaps this is why effort is not so much do.

Last year, after my SURGERY, I really wasn’t hungry for a month, and I wish someone would explain to me the physical phenomenon of how I was (a) foggy as hell and (4) not hungry for a MONTH after having surgery. I mean, I really was out of it. And anyway, as a result, I lost 10 pounds that month. SAY “MONTH” ONE MORE TIME.

And this is what I regret about the pandemic time. About this, our break.

Because I started off 2020 as svelte. Well. Svelte-ish. I haven’t been svelte since the year 2000 when I ran a marathon.

So I started off svelteish. And I had two or three inches of white roots in March 2020. I could have gone all last year getting actually svelte and growing out the white in the privacy of my home, with only my lawn guy to see it every two weeks. The lawn guy, who said, “Maybe you go back to brown now.” So whatever.

Anyway, I could have gotten sveltish-er and grown out my roots and did I do either of those things? No. There was a BOY, of course, a BOY I’d been talking to in the summer of last year, and he said, “We should get together” in July, and I was all excited because he, like me, had been totally isolating himself and I thought we could have some kind of outside distance date and so I sent away for hair dye and then he ghosted.

So he’s the reason I relented on the hair. Ghost boy.

And then also I was bored, because see isolation, and ghosting, and I ate. Oh, did I eat. I ate pork chops and mashed potatoes and nachos and ice cream sandwiches and barbecue and onion rings and malts. I ate and then I wasn’t bored and it was delicious and I’ve never been someone who cares much either way about food and now all of a sudden, I do. It’s all I got, man. Well. Cats. I have pork chops and cats.

So now I’m unsvelte and back to growing out the roots. I have to start all over.

It’s like when you’re in AA, and you get all these days of sobriety, and then you have these disturbing dreams where you drink. And your first thought in the dream is, “Oh, my god, now I have to go back to counting days.” Because at first it’s all, “Can I make it 30 days without drinking?” then, “I made it 30, but will I really get to 90?” And you get these chips at 30, 60 and 90 days, and people clap, and it becomes a thing. And then you’ve got a couple years and newcomers see you as an old-timer, a wise old-timer and then you dream you drink a mai-tai and DAMMIT, back to counting days.

That’s me with m’roots right now.

Also, I spent 7+ years in AA and then I dropped out and now I don’t drink. I mean, I do, but I drink maybe once a quarter. And then I have two drinks and go to bed. I have no idea what happened, there, as I really used to plow through the wine. Like, a bottle of wine, by myself, on a Wednesday night. That was routine for me back in, say, 1999. I guess a big part of it is the drinking-gives-me-migraines thing, and it became Pavlovian. I look at a bottle of wine and I feel a slight migraine start.

I do not say this to anyone in AA with the hint that you should give it up. I think I had a very rare and lucky break, there.

At any rate, now I’m back pushing that boulder up a hill, and I’m on a diet and growing my roots, which is what I started out saying but you know how I am. I went on Noom, because one of my friends is doing Noom, and so far all they’ve done is tell me clever little things about psychology and also I’ve weighed in (UGH) and recorded what I’ve eaten and now I have a coach and I’m already annoyed because said coach texted at 6:58 this morning and it was a tome. It’s like how Marvin used to be chipper in the morning.

Hi, June!!! I’m your coach, Pelma Haversham, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!

Ugh.

Anyway, further reports as developments warrant, and — oh! A little bird has landed on my camellia bush, which is not a euphemism. I think there must be a nest nearby, as there has been a lot of bird action on that bush. Again, not a euph.

I also heard baby bird peeps in my backyard yesterday, and I do have two birdhouses out there so I hope someone in the bird world is using them.

Anyone who makes an Iris eating birds joke gets a tired, dieting look from me. She hasn’t killed a bird in probably 5 years. She’s old. She’s sick. Her eyes are just awful now. The other day I watched her cross the patio and stumble, because she didn’t know she’d gotten to the grass part. She hardly ever goes outside anymore, really. That day she just wanted to eat grass and come back inside.

Poor Iris. Makes me sad. She is my f-a-v-ro-r-i-t-e.

I had better go. I have to shower and try to break from work before 1:00 today, as the eye place has m’contacts and I am plumb out. I am Eve Plumb. I’m practically Iris, so without contacts am I.

God, I wish I had an Egg McMuffin. I hate dieting. Makes me—OH! TWO birds on the camellia bush now! Two! Ah! Ah! Ahhhhh!

Oh my god, once I start making The Count jokes, it’s a definite goodbye.

What ADD? What hunger? What effort?

June

41 thoughts on “Pork chops and cats

  1. On the first day of the shut down last year, my teeny brain actually formed the thought “hey, it might be a good challenge to plank every day of the shut down and see how long I can go by the end. Naaaa, we won’t be shut down all that long anyway.” 😳. Good grief, I’d be a body builder by now if I had actually done it. I’m mad I didn’t do it!
    Is Noom the one where you photograph your food and it tells you the nutrition info about it and how many calories you have left for the day and so forth? With my luck, I’d photograph breakfast and learn I have 2 calories for the rest of the day.
    For the last 4 or 5 years, I’ve done the Whole30 once, sometimes twice a year. I don’t do it to lose weight, but that’s a nice little benefit. It’s a good gut reset for me. Am currently on day 19 I think.

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  2. Marvelous (no pun intended) post.
    I too am suffering from the Covid chub.

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    1. I recently saw Allison Janey with gray hair and I loved it! If you end up trying, I hope it suits you as well as it does her! (I think she looks much younger and glowing compared to how she looked at the last Mom episodes.)

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  3. Its a fucking pandemic, eat the mashed potatoes. Anyone who used this time to get in shape is not my type of people. No offense.

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  4. I bet your camellia bush is beautiful (not a euphemism). I’ve always thought that the secret to getting to a healthy weight is letting go of all-or-nothing thinking. If you can do that with alcohol, I’m confident that you can figure out the food thing. It seems like you learned to enjoy cooking more since the pandemic. There are so many great resources for healthy delicious recipes now.

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  5. Another great post. Sweet Iris. She’s had a really tough time. She’s always been a special girl.
    I hope you do well on the new diet/eating plan. I’ve been on so many different diets, they work IF I follow the plan. I won’t even weigh. I KNOW I’ve gained weight, I can see the hippo in the mirror, but I keep buying all the treats and if I have treats I am going to eat them. The past year I’ve bought stuff I haven’t bought in 30 years. Why so fat? Let’s face it, it’s fat not chubby.
    I’ve only been to one AA meeting, one of my husband’s subordinates invited us to his “first birthday celebration,” I think that’s what they call it, and we went. It was very interesting, but I almost died from all the cigarette smoke.
    Hilarious comments.
    Tee

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  6. I saw a sweet little wren this morning just sitting on top of the boxwood underneath my office window. It was singing its heart out💗 I know you’ll drop the weight that you want, because you seem to stick with the excercise for long periods of time. It’s just when something interrupts it, seems like that’s it with you, not that you just quit it for no reason.

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  7. You are my f-a-v-o-r-i-t-e. You will not have gray hair. You will have beautiful WHITE hair. It will be stunning. I hope you will do it.

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  8. Being from Iowa I do love a good pork chop, and also most cats everywhere. Kitty kisses to Iris for being such a good girl, even in tough times.

    I’m in acceptance mode with my hair. It’s pretty dark, and I have had the silver Mallen streak up front for years. I call it my Fountain of Sorrow (thanks Mr JB), and usually get compliments on it. Looks great when I have a fresh haircut. It is what it is.

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  9. Good luck on your weight loss. I am the walrus, cu-cu-ca-chew; really, you should see me trying to turn over in bed. I guess I’m waiting for old woman skinny. Love Iris.

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  10. A post with the title “Pork Chops and Cats” is always going to be a good post. Good luck with Noom. I hate tracking anything. Well, not anything. I think I’d be a great private investigator. I’d track cheating husbands all day long. But tracking anything to do with my health is not gonna happen.

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  11. I joined and failed at Noom. I’m not good at finishing things. Except meals. And snacks. Those I can finish.

    I saw my ass in my robe the other day and holy cow. I look like a dump truck.

    Good luck!

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  12. I started Noom and it bugs me to no end. I am almost at the end of the free trial and ready to quit. I don’t like the Food Tracking , I prefer my fitness pal Tracking. The articles get on my nerves. Not sure if I’ll quit as I am curious about the group and the coach.

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    1. Yeah, I just didn’t care for Zoom, either. As soon as my free trial was over, I was out and switched to MyFitnessPal, which synced with my Garmin fitness tracker. Back when I was on Weight Watchers (and how much do I hate the new “branding” of WW), I always lost more weight each week when I tracked what I ate, even if I went over my points.

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  13. When I read your title, I thought you had a new cat named Pork Chop. Wouldn’t that make you constantly hungry each time you called, “Pork Chop”?

    Good luck with your diet. Hope you don’t start eating nails.

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      1. There was a dog named Meatball at my friend’s vet. The room erupted in laughter when his name was called. I can’t do food names either. I have enough food thoughts

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      2. When I got my dog from the SPCA they had named him Pork Chop, I changed it to Chopper. They said that I should really try to transition him from Pork Chop. I really don’t think he was too attached to that name that he got on intake day after escaping from Ohio….

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  14. You know how people in therapy start every third sentence with “my therapist says…?” Well, I’ve been seeing a nutritionist and I did the same thing. “My nutritionist says….” Now I have to hum that part of the sentence like that time Edith Bunker said “cling peaches in heavy syrup” one too many times, or my family will kill me. Oh my God, I hope that’s an actual memory of Edith Bunker and I didn’t just have a stroke.

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  15. When I diet, I want tremendous results in like 5 days. My husband thinks it’s helpful when he says “you didn’t gain overnight, you won’t lose overnight.” Factual, but not helpful.

    There’s something about telling me “you can’t have this” that makes me at first an exemplary plan-follower, then a day later at the vending machine with a credit card getting all the Reese’s.

    I can identify with dieting, is what I’m saying here.

    Love to Iris.

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  16. I’ve been so curious about Noom – a group of people here at work got on the Noom train last spring and came back looking THIN THIN THIN. Of course, they were only slightly NOT thin pre-lockdown, but still. But I really don’t need anyone telling me why I eat too much – the psychology and physiology of fatness are no mystery to me. Just tell me what to eat INSTEAD.

    Years ago I did WW (although now that they have officially rebranded as WW, I stubbornly refer to it only as Weight Watchers) and really learned a lot about maximizing quantity while minimizing calories. I was great with the 0 and 1 point foods. The biggest problem I had was that they were never REAL foods… things like pudding cups and Pirate’s Booty filled my days. Then I sat through a meeting where people argued about why eating one banana was 1 point but two bananas was 3 points, unless you ate one banana in the morning and one in the afternoon – that’s only 2 points… and my mind snapped. I never went back. So here I am. Fat again.

    And that’s my story. Also too does anyone else think Oprah now has a man voice? She sounds like a James Earl Jones impersonator in those WEIGHT WATCHERS commercials.

    Lovely post June!

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  17. I was wondering how you knew so much about AA. I went to a meeting once and was scared of all the stories and the sharing. People were nice, a few were TOO nice. 2 years ago I started dirty something Keto and had to stop drinking fruity drinks and Miller Lite, switched to vodka and seltzer. talk about a learning curve!
    Good luck with your Noom and growing out your roots. So sorry about almost blind Iris!

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  18. Once when you started a diet, you wrote the funniest paragraph and I actually saved it in my notes.
    “ How much do you think I weigh? I am 5’6″. I do not know, as I have no scale. The scale at the doctor’s seems to be about 35 pounds off. I don’t know how they get away with such an inaccurate tool. Anyway my goal weight is 8 pounds six ounces, which is what I weighed at birth. I’ve done it before, so we all know I can get there.
    My next post will go like this.
    I am so fucking hungry.”

    You’re hilarious.
    Good luck with diet!

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    1. That WAS funny! I was funnier back in the day. I wonder what I actually weighed then. Probably, like, 140 and I was all, I’M SO PORTLY. Fuck my former self.

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    2. I have an aunt and uncle who famously joined AA just to get to know people in their new town and sell them insurance. They didn’t really enjoy drinking so giving it up was easy. I’m not sure what they did if they had to share personal stories.

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  19. Lovely post Coot.
    I too am growing out my roots. My hair turned a darker color before it started graying so now I look like a calico cat or a Yorkshire Terrier. A fat, yappy, angry Yorkshire terrier.

    We have a bird feeder outside our office window. The bird situation is insane. The Cardinals are bullies. Not like the catholic guys who wear the funny hats and red robes although that is exactly what they look like.

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  20. Lawn guy said what? Ohhhhh, he’d have gotten one of his rakes where the grass shouldn’t grow!

    Lovely post, pretty June. Please pass on some gentle scratching to Iris for us. She is a trooper.

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    1. Oh, he really did. He pointed at his head and said, “What are you … ?” and I said, “Oh! I’m growing it out. I’m growing out the white” and he said, “Maybe you go back to brown now.” We have a, like, friendship of sorts, but I was a little surprised.

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      1. Not a court in the land would convict for yard implement piercing under that conversation! Jerk!

        Although I’m afraid I’ll be so out of practice whenever we go back to “normal ” something will sound right in my brain but not come through the way I intended.

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      2. I had way too many people make “well-meaning” (with an emphasis on MEAN) comments when I started growing out my gray hair. They ranged from “are you sure about this? You’ll look OLD” to “are you going to do something about your hair?” to “You’re so BRAVE. Personally, I wouldn’t be comfortable looking like that but good for you” to flat out “Your hair looks like shit. For God’s sake, go get it colored!” Yeah, piss off.

        Just be aware it takes A LOT longer than you think to grow it out completely unless you cut it all off.

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