Purebread

We’re winding down on my Jane Goodall life, wherein I exist only with animals, as I will be fully vaccinated this weekend.

I guess I don’t KNOW that Jane Goodall only lives with chimps but that’s how I see her. Living way out in a hut somewhere, among primates. There’s no, like, Rhoda Morganstern human neighbor popping in. No Larry from Three’s Company. No Wilona from Good Times.

And speaking of current and modern, one thing I do know for sure about Jane Goodall is she picked a hairdo and stuck with it.

One could maybe guess that chimps don’t have a lot of hair salons, and perhaps this is why the constant updo. But I’ll bet even the primates are looking at each other going, “Oooo oooo oooo! Wish Jane would change it uuuuuppp!”

Chimp talk. By June.

Not that I am one to talk about hair, and anyway I just digressed. My POINT is, soon I will be able to be amongst the living, sort of, and all my blog posts will not be about my pets. However, today is not that day.

BTW, I do have an eye appointment today, as they are holding my contacts hostage until I get my eyes examined because I whistled at a not-hot girl, and I will probably get the COVID three days before my shot is fully effective. If this happens, I will be most put out.

Anyway, animals. My Jane Badall life.

First of all, I woke up in the middle of the night to find that Iris was using my open hand as a pillow. I think maybe I fell asleep scritching her cheek and so did she. I did not dare move, and now I probably have a kidney infection along with my COVID. She seems maybe a little perkier today, although it’s 8 a.m. and she hasn’t packed a lotta living in.

Also too, Edsel. That is my other Jane Goodall-living-with-animals story.

Last night I ordered Panera, as I forgot to defrost the chicken to make my Hello Fresh thing, and I think I don’t LIKE chicken. I think I overcook it or something, maybe. But lately the texture is bugging me. Anyway, I ordered the Panera salad with (wait for it) chicken and strawberries and blueberries and mandarin oranges. You know that one? And I asked for different dressing but they gave me that stupid poppyseed one so now I will test poz for the heroyyne along with my COVID and my broken kidney.

I once saw a movie where a character pronounced “heroin” “heroyyyne” and I have never gotten past it.

My point is this.

I was happily eating the salad despite the stupid poppyseed heroyyyyne dressing, when I noticed Edsel’s head in the Panera bag. Why was his HEAD in the bag? The food was with me. Was he doing his Unknown Comic impression yet again?

He emerged from said bag with the bread. You know how Panera gives you that really good bread? I love that bread. When I get Panera, I save said bread till morning, then I warm it up and put a little butter and honey on it. Why the stubborn pounds?

But there was Eds, bread in his maw.

“Goddammit, Edsel,” I said, and reached for it. Which is dumb, because did I actually want the bread now?

And that dog, that GODDAMNED DOG, tug-of-warred me with the bread. He didn’t drop it in shame. No. He DUG IN, and PULLED his side of the bread with all his might.

What a JERK.

Finally, I wrested the loaf from his jerk-ass jaw, and then I was all, Well, now what?

And he

TOOK

THE

BREAD

one more time, like he was a starving peasant and not someone who had just enjoyed his kibble-filled dinner moments before, and he began RIPPING the bread like he was Henry VIII at a long table. He just needed a pimp cup of wine.

By then I was really just interested to see what he did with bread and no thumbs. He didn’t miss a crumb, that ass.

It was a few hours later that I heard his stomach rumble. He was practically a dressed turkey, so much bread was in him.

“Rrrrrrrr–roowwww-mmmm-wrrr,” offered Edsel’s stomach.

“Good,” I said. “I hope you feel like hell.”

“Rrrrrrr, PFFFT!” revealed Edsel, and this is when the gas started, resulting ultimately in me letting him out at 3 a.m. I was awake anyway because I was admiring how I was Iris’s pillow. Once she moved, I let the Pillsbury Dogboy out. I imagine he went out and produced some bready stool. It was upper crust, possibly. I do not know. I did not accompany him and his BREAD ASS.

So, in sum, did not enjoy the little loaf from Panera yesterday.

Jane Goodall, reporting from Greensboro.

53 thoughts on “Purebread

  1. My ridiculous dog does that. She steals all kinds of food and when you yell she Easter fasterfasterfaster! She is not ashamed at all and does not run away in fear. She is an ass.

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  2. I find Panera’s food a tad spicy. I am a spice wuss. I forgot about the bread. I may need to go get some. The image of Eds fighting for that bread is priceless. My first cat Cleo loved nacho cheese Doritos. I left the open bag on the kitchen table and there was inside it eating away. She and Eds had/have good taste. You are funny as hell, Coot.

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  3. Laughing so hard right now as I start thinking about dinner. Bread. Oh darn Eds.
    Once Marley stole my bread right from the plate – Is this a guy dog thing?
    haha… Hilarious post

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  4. When my daughter first brought her cat Malfoy home from the shelter, he would spend his nights searching out and devouring the bread. They had to hide it really well. They figured he had had a time in his past where he was starving.

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  5. Listen, at some point, everybody has to draw a line in the sand. Edsel’s line was bread. Hilarious!

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  6. Jane Goodall was one of our instructors when I was in college and it was a rather intimate lecture hall. Stanford was actually helping to fund and staff her center in Gombe and it was all going great until some fellow students were kidnapped. It ended okay but was all very scary as you can imagine. Dr. Goodall was every bit as cool as you can imagine and she wore her hair in the low pony every day.

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  7. You are so talented. Dog eating bread is very funny and the minute by minute struggle is real.
    Thanks for the belly laughs.

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  8. Joon, I may well have told you already about a church service on a St. Francis Sunday, with pets in attendance. The Communion bread was on a low table, and Tom Berry’s collie cheerfully helped himself. Luckily, there was to be a potluck afterward, so our pastor blessed a dinner roll instead.

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  9. So funny – loved reading this! Naughty Edsel not wanting to give up the bread made me laugh out loud. Henry the VIII needing a pimp cup of wine. Upper crust poop. Dying! Thanks Jane er… I mean June.

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  10. I got the vaccine last week. I was all smug with people telling them that I got the one shot J&J and didn’t have to go back. Yay me. Now I am just waiting for my head to explode. Sheesh

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  11. Here is how I learned about Jane Goodall. Are you all sitting comfortably?

    When I was about twelve, I wandered into the family room where my father was taking a break from grading math papers and reading a book, In the Shadow of Man. I wish you all had known him, because I can’t do him justice: a great teacher, wonderful husband and father, singer of spontaneous songs in the car and teller of hilarious stories (cf. the Timbukthree Adventures of Little Orvie the Chipmunk and Minnesota Fats, the Golden Gopher Rat). I don’t think he ever told a risque joke in his life. Back to Jane Goodall: I looked over Dad’s shoulder to see what he was reading and saw CHAPTER TWELVE: FLO’S SEX LIFE. I was never so shocked in my life.

    It’s actually a really good book.

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  12. Why do I find poop stories so dang amusing? Here’s mine. It was Girl Scout Cookie time. I left a half eaten box of Thin Mints on the counter. I returned to the kitchen and found the box on the floor. The cookies AND the plastic tray were missing. So began the yard inspection. I found an intact plastic tray with a log of poop inside it.

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  13. Purebread and Pillsbury Dogboy! You are FUNNY!

    My old lab loved bread – one day he grabbed a loaf of bread from a stranger on the street and ate it up in seconds – I of course was apologetic and offered to buy a new loaf but had no money on me and could I deliver it to their house once I took my bread loving dog home got money went to bakery bought bread – they took me up on the offer and you know why because if it was me I woulda just went nah these things happen – so went to bakery got bread – the loaf of bread was $9 – NINE DOLLARS – so yeah I would have asked for a replacement. Baxter also grabbed an egg mcmuffin out of a different strangers hand – but this was in the dog park where the park rules state No Food – so did not have to replace that one – also probably should have paid closer attention to him – he was a great dog – also bread does equal gas – so his stolen gift keep on giving.

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  14. I don’t know from Panera, but that all sounds delish. Hilarious post! So many references those youngsters will never get.

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  15. Years and years ago, my mom used to make the BEST sourdough bread you ever had the delight of tasting. One weekend, my brother brought his college roommate from Manhattan home to visit. A Big Sunday Lunch was prepared, and when we all sat down, I noticed there was butter on the table but no bread. Which was weird. But I didn’t say anything in front of Bobby So-Damn-Cute-It-Hurt-Your-Eyes Mauriello. Because, 16-year-old female.

    My father, however, was apparently immune to the charms of Mr. Mauriello. and asked, “Where is the bread? I saw a loaf on the table earlier.” At that point, our Sheltie, Candy, slunk out from under the table, licking her chops and looking very, very ashamed … AS SHE SHOULD HAVE. Because guess who enjoyed that entire loaf of sourdough bread all by herself? Was it the 25-pound Sheltie?

    Yes. Yes, it was.

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  16. Edsel has finally found a passion worth thanking a stand for. Good bread is a fine choice.

    Akuma once ate an entire milk chocolate toblerone bar, cardboard and foil included. It’s good he’s big and tolerated that much toxin because he was sneaky enough that we didn’t know until the still recognisable packaging came out the other end.

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  17. Speaking of mispronouncing words, back before Harry Potter was made into a movie series, a coworker pronounced Hermione “Her-mee-own” and I still haven’t gotten over it.
    I love Panera. Their hazelnut coffee. Their cinnamon crunch bagels. Their half and half combo lunches. Their bread. My tummy is grumbling like Edsel’s but from the lack of bread.
    Lovely post, pretty June.

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    1. Our first Basset Hound Sadie ate a bag of Hershey’s kisses foil and all on Christmas Day. I had found a teddy bear holding a kiss and cleverly placed a bag of opened kisses in the bottom of the gift bag. My husband loved Hershey kisses. Leaving it way at the back of the tree did not suffice. She survived but she was sick. Another Basset Daphne and our Beagle Maggie got the spare room door open and ate all of my Aldis German Christmas chocolates. I could not replace them. They survived too. All future chocolates were hidden up high. Brat dogs. I love bread too.

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  18. Lovely post Coot.

    I feel for Edz and his rumble bread tummy. If I eat bread I blow up like Violet Blueberry without the hue.

    I had a little Yorkshire Territory who ate a whole sleeve of Fig Newtons. Let me tell you, that is something you never want to experience. It was explosive. Thank goodness she wasn’t a Great Dane.

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  19. Jane Goodall and I are hair twins. I cannot for the life of me maintain anything except a ponytail. Unfortunately I don’t live with chimps.

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  20. The bread at Panera is the only thing that saves them for me. My work primarily consists of me ordering lunch for the office and not once in my history here of six years, NOT ONCE, has Panera gotten a catering order right. Not one single delivery is correct. I’ll still eat their bread, though.

    I also wanted to say that I’m struggling with chicken myself right now. Why does it taste so much like chicken? Same with eggs. I can’t do it. I have to be healthy with fish right now and that’s a whole other issue.

    Kevin James said once, “You people who want those of us to eat fish by telling us it doesn’t taste like fish are doing yourselves no favors. You know what else doesn’t taste like fish? Steak and cupcakes.” I love Kevin James.

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    1. That’s like all the vegan meat substitutes, vegan cheese, vegan bacon, vegan milk, that’s all processed and flavored six ways from Sunday. You know what? Maybe just go ahead and eat the meat and save everybody a lot of trouble.

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      1. Not a vegan but I’m lactose intolerant. I am so happy there are decent tasting substitutes. I am never giving up meat or eggs if I can help it.

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  21. Hilarious!!! “And I asked for different dressing but they gave me that stupid poppyseed one so now I will test poz for the heroyyne along with my COVID and my broken kidney.” Flump. This entire post is laugh out loud funny.
    Don’t worry about the poz heroyyne test. It takes a lot, a LOT of poppy seeds to give you a poz. Just how do I know THAT? In my former life I dealt with the drug testing program and we used to get that excuse, “I had a poppyseed bagel for breakfast.” OR “I ate my sister-in-law’s brownies and I didn’t know they had marijuana in them.” Yeah right.
    Edz wants what he wants. Sweet Iris using your hand as her pillow. Hoping the B-12 has helped her. I get not moving because it might disturb the cat.
    March 1st was our get out of jail pass, but we are still being very careful to stay out of crowds and for the first time I appreciated that mask when I had to go into Bed, Bath and Beyond the other day. That place overcomes me with the scents in the air.
    Tee

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  22. I’ll never look at bread in the same way again. I’ll always picture Eds with his head in the bag.

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  23. Dog plus bread equal gas. A universal truth. They don’t worry about the gluten.

    I did love how you rejected the at-home chicken only to order the chicken. I mean, who hasn’t done THAT?

    Lovely post lovely June Goodall.

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    1. Also – the title just hit me. Like that bread hit Edsel in the middle of the night.

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  24. my puppy, Otis (almost a year old now), ate my Chapstick last night. This was not his first Chapstick treat. He sniffs out Chapstick like Edz sniffs out Panera bread. His lips are very smooth.

    I hope Edz isn’t gluten-intolerant.

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      1. Our dogs always have a thing for Kleenex – the pricey ones, with “lotion”.The vet said it’s the lanolin that attracts them. Nothing like watching a wad of expensive facial tissue exit your dog’s behind.

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  25. Once years ago, I was transporting my sister’s chocolate lab Murphy from one place to another in my hometown. And while I was in a restaurant for 5 minutes picking up something, the dog ate a WHOLE LOAF of bread my grandmother had made. I got in the car to see a plastic bag and a twisty tie and a VERY HAPPY DOG. Oh my lord, he loved that bread.

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  26. Volunteering at my church’s Outreach program, reading this before we open the doors, laughing out loud and getting the side eye from everyone.

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  27. Good stuff, huh, Edsel? I would like it toasted, with plenty of butter. Hold the honey.

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  28. I have a friend who always said old dogs are like old people. They do what they want and damn the consequences. I think my senior male dog would do the same as Edsel. Fight the power.

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