Tales from the swamp

At 7:50 this morning, I was at the gas pump putting gas in my car. That’s what a gadabout I’ve been this weekend. I mean, relatively speaking. Relatively compared to how I went from Halloween to Valentine’s Day on one tank. And now here it is, April, and I’m filling it up again. Except I didn’t fill it up: I got so annoyed with the pump that I left midway. It kept clicking off. What does it mean when that keeps happening? That they aren’t maintaining the pump, or the gas station is almost out of gas, or what? All I know is I was 5 gallons in and told myself, If this dang handle clicks underneath my hand ONE MORE TIME, I quit.

Click!

Quit.

I have a low tolerance for frustration. I’m certain this means I’m immature, and news flash. Did I ever pretend to be a British banker?

Anyway, hi. It’s Monday. I’ve already been to my trainer and am now eating what’s toted as a protein bar but mostly I think I’m having candy for breakfast. April might be the prettiest month in the South; all the azaleas are bloomed, and there are purple trees and yellow trees and pink trees and it’s a cacophony of color. The people who owned this house must not have liked azaleas, as I have none. Do you recall at my old house how a drag queen must have planted the azaleas, as there was literally every color right next to each other and it was absurd? Hot pink next to screaming orange next to bright purple.

I’ve got none of that here. But the little garden in front is set up so something is blooming all the time. The tulips have left the building but a pretty white ground cover has bloomed now, and my yellow day lilies have popped up and I am officially an old lady.

Speaking of which, when I got my first vaccine, I figured out how long it’d take to get the next one, and then I figured out how long it’d take after THAT to be fully vaccinated, and I called my hair place and my Botox place and made appointments for after that date.

I hope that damp ham commenter comes back and tells me how long, “per experts,” it takes for the vaccine to be at its full effect LIKE I DIDN”T KNOW THAT. Yes, ONLY YOU, dampus hammus, have access to the CDC. Thank GOD you shared your wisdom.

I’d like to once again point out that the only thing know-it-alls never seem to know is that nobody likes a know-it-all.

Anyway.

I made appointments for hair and face, both of which are suffering in response to the global pandemic. I had no idea how quickly I could transition to swamp witch. So, this past Saturday was my hair appointment, except THE HAIR PLACE CANCELED. Due to unforeseen circumstances.

Goddammit.

They rescheduled me for next weekend and I guess that’s good, because I hadn’t budgeted “put cat down” for April expenses, so I am $300 lighter in my loafers and there will be a payday between now and my hair appointment, so that’s helpful. But still. It’s one more week I have to look like I’d shove children in my oven if they had the nerve to come around.

Oh, and speaking of children…

This is not a child, but I saw this photo on my phone whilst I was looking for child pics, and I just LOVE HIM SO BAD. I love his teensy legses poking out of his fur-of-his-enemies vest.

Anyway. Child.

I had a baby! I had no idea I was pregnant.

Alex, of the work Alexes, had a baby during the pandemic, and much like Forest, he has not been able to welcome guests or hob and nob about town, so now that we are vaccinated, Alex brought her child to my house. Note how Lily was all, “Lilleee plop heer,” thoroughly unconcerned that a toddler of 8 to 26 months was toddling about. Actually he’s more crawling with gusto. This similarly did not bother Lily, who is unbothered.

June. Just a natural with children, since 1965. If any of my younger cousins see this photo, they fear for this baby.

Look. He liked me. He did not sense my evil. It went fine.

Also, babies come with a lot of accoutrements. He had a collapsible high chair, and a cacophony of snacks. Four different kinds of wipes and 79 toys. Then he just played with his mom’s phone the whole time.

Edsel mostly pressed his head into my back and pretended he saw zero babies.

All right, I gotta go. I was going to show you photos of the strawberries I got, and the irises I purchased for Iris’s grave, and possibly tell you how I bought mini pies at the grocery store and told myself I could have one each day and then I sat there and ate all of them. I had all that to tell you but now I have to start work. I done TOLD you I’m too busy to blog these days. Dang.

Hurriedly,
Juan

32 thoughts on “Tales from the swamp

  1. I was so shocked to see you holding a baby (of approximately 8-26 months of age) that I assumed at first that the photo was photoshopped.
    I’ve held a baby three times total in my life. The babies didn’t seem to mind, but they terrified me. Babies are freaky the way monkeys are: almost human, but not quite, therefore unpredictable in their behavior.
    I might have to come steal your magnificent cat.
    Your hair looks gorgeous.

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  2. Baby Alex is so cute and I’m not surprised he’s Wedding Alex’s baby. Your hair looks amazing.
    Forest is beautiful. I would have eaten all the pies in one day. The past year we’ve been on a seafood diet, we eat all the food we see and our blood work reflects that. I bought junk food I haven’t bought in decades. I bet those pies were delish.
    Tee

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  3. Those mini pies are made with crack. If I bought three at least one of them wouldn’t have made it home. Lovely post lovely June.

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  4. Without trying to be too phallic here, you may have had the nozzle of the gas pump too far in and splash-back triggers the shutoff. Pull out a little next time. (There is no way to say this without double entendres all over the place.)

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  5. Speaking of pie I bought a banana cream pie at Wally World on Thursday whilst picking up prescriptions and other necessities. What me lactose intolerant? I forgot one roommate hates bananas and the other is sticking to his diet. I ate the whole damn thing myself over three days and my digestive system is paying for it now and yesterday. Damn them and their tempting end freezers. I was going to get my safe almond creamer and that damn pie sang it’s siren song. Cream pies are my favorite but back on the top of the forbidden list! OY!

    Baby is very cute. I haven’t held one in a few years. I am a natural having grown up around so many but I mostly wish my mellow ten year old great niece lived nearby. I think I am past the baby fever thing in a big way. There are men my age or slightly younger in the dating group with very young children. WTF man. That’s a hard no. They need to be grandchildren, dudes. Sorry the young trophy wife didn’t work out but you needed to get a vasectomy. Good luck finding an older woman who wants to deal with THAT.

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  6. Although you holding a baby is the last thing I expected to see, that is a fabulous picture. Your hair looks great, and I love your outfit.

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  7. Dear Former Copy Editor Now High Falutin’ Writer Juan: This is how I figured out you really were not a British Banker. You spelled it “CANCELED” and it didn’t look right to me so I asked Copy Editor Google “Is it ‘canceled’ or ‘cancelled’ (with 2 Ls)?” and Google says Americans prefer one-L canceled and the English/British prefer two-L cancelled. So you must not be a British Banker. But apparently I may be, because I prefer two-L cancelled. It just looks more …. complete to me. (But I did spend my Junior Year Abroad in London.) Now I am exhausted by all this work I had to do and am going back to bed. But lovely post, lovely Juan! And during the next pandemic I, too, will stop coloring my hair. I wasn’t brave enough this time, which I will treat as a rehearsal pandemic.

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  8. Your hair looks fabulous! So long and the curls are so great! (said the chubby girl with thin short straight hair.)
    Life is short, eat the pies. (see “chubby” above)

    That baby is at the nice squishable age!

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  9. What a cute little boy. Was Wedding Alex concerned when she saw candy on your house and the big oven in your kitchen? Cool, calm and collected Lily. After her spa adventure, nothing seems to phase her anymore. Did Forest stay hidden from your visitors?

    Your hair looks terrific. It’s amazing how fast it grew in over a year.

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  10. Do your pets miss Iris?
    Though you didn’t specify, that’s for sure Wedding Alex’s baby. What a darling baby!

    Fur of my enemies vest!!

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    1. Nah. I mean, they all sniffed her after she died, and Milhous seems to be standing on her grave a lot. But they don’t seem sad or anything. They all loved her; I just think pets accept death better than we do.

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      1. When my Gracie Lou left us, our other dog sat Shiva for about a week or so. We had to stop the clocks and cover the mirrors while she mourned. It really surprised me how bad it was for her. She wouldn’t even eat for a few days. Our cat (fmr), on the other hand, pretty much threw confetti in the air in celebration.

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  11. I still think your hair looks great! You should go with a white forelock. Lovely post, pretty Juan.

    CommandoBarbie

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  12. “I’d like to once again point out that the only thing know-it-alls never seem to know is that nobody likes a know-it-all.”
    So true. I am using this nugget of wisdom soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Lovely post Coot.
    Forest is just majestic. He is absolutely stunning.
    Hair appointments, don’t get me started. I called every hair salon this one horse town has and can’t get an appointment for 2 months. It is impossible to get my meth-head hair cut and some streaks put in. Remember when it was called streaks and not Highlights? No? Just me?
    Also and too, talk about swamp. I spent all last week at my dads because my stepmother had an episode. Not a”Frank I have a sick headache” but a “I’m coming Elozabeth” episode. The whole time I was there the wind blewb80 miles per hour and the temperature dropped into the 30s. I brought spring clothes. Well, basically capri leggings and tee shirts but potato pahtahto. Anyway we ended up building a shed instead of hospital sitting and 8 froze my keister off. I tell you this to lead into the point. Yes goddammit I have a point. Whilst blowing in the spitting wind I ventured to the wrong side of my parents yard. I went to fetch some lumber and stepped into a swamp. They live in west Texas where swamps are few and far between. This swamp turned out to be a septic swamp. So there I was Capri deep in septic swamp. Thats my point. Ai too was swamped.
    Have a lovely day

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  14. Dampus hammus.

    Do you think any of your pets wonder if Iris has returned from the great beyond as a toddler?

    One of the happiest days in my child-rearing was the day my two kids could carry their own shit and just follow me out the door.

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  15. Loving you in the pink lately! And your skin looks very healthy and glowy! I bet those pies were doll house sized anyway. I would have eaten them too.

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  16. I could have pegged that as Alex of the Work Alexes baby without even being told. I mean, after I first guessed it was YOUR baby. What a cutie patootie. And yes – babies do not travel light. Remember the native American mom who would just strap the baby to her back and take off – somewhere we went off the baby rails.

    Forest remains one of the most interesting cats I have ever seen. Who could have ever guessed?

    “Per the experts” has made the list of my most hated phrases.

    Lovely post June! Thanks for getting back to us in this, your busiest of times.

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