In which June says, “miracle nipple” with a blown-straight face

Remember when my posting schedule used to be reliable and steady? …Yeah.

I’m writing to you on a Sunday because I know I will not have time for you tomorrow morning. Also I am writing to you from outside, because, (a), I am a great outdoorswoman, and (2), I need to dry m’pants. It’s a long story. It’s actually NOT a long story; it’s a stupid story. I was watering my dogwoods and the outside faucet is very dramatic. So. Pants. Wet.

Anyway, let’s see. On Friday afternoon, I left my house (!!) and drove to the restaurant I used to go to every Friday before there was a pan in our demic. Remember when I used to have dinner with all my neighbors on Fridays? This time, we didn’t meet in the restaurant, but rather across the street at this brewery, that has walls that open and also you can sit outside. The plan was to get food from our regular spot and then eat at the brewery, but there was a food truck available with lobster rolls so you can imagine how that went down.

Right before I was due to arrive, I felt a nagging migraine coming on. Honestly, that migraine complained about my hair, my income, the cut of my jib. But I DID NOT CARE, as I was finally GOING somewhere, so I took and pill and headed out, like I was in the Pink Floyd movie or something.

Oh, it was good to see my neighbors, which is dumb because of course they live right here, and I traveled to see them someplace else. I ordered a Prosecco, which when the bartender opened it, the cap SHOT across the room and hit someone, so basically someone got killed and it was my fault and I was all, “Could you pour the Prosecco, please? She’ll stop bleeding in a moment anyway. JUST POUR.”

Then I was immediately drunk.

The next morning, I had to get up early with my one-Prosecco hangover, and get to the hairdresser. I made the appointment to finally address my roots AGES ago, and the appointment was finally here. We got a pen and wrote an address on them forthwith.

FOUR HOURS AND 15 MINUTES I was at that salon. I really didn’t know what I was going to do with m’roots. But we decided to leave the roots there, highlight the shit out of my apricot hair, then I go back in 8 weeks and we pretty much do it again because that brown will come creeping round my back stairs again, and THAT time should do it. Then I’ll just be white-haired.

I was pretty pleased with it, and it cost me a mortgage payment but whatever.

I’d already made plans with Ned to get strawberries after. “I have to get my hair done in the morning,” I told him. “It’s at 10. I’ll call you at about 1.”

One?!?!” he asked, incredulous.

“Yeah, Ned, it takes about three hours to do my hair.” Little did I know. I was so young and naive then, back when I had apricot hair.

“That’s an entire football game,” said Ned, who has also been blown straight.

On our way to get strawberries, we talked about cats. He recently rehomed the stray he brought in in January, after having spent about $4,000 on her, as she and his regularly scheduled cats just could not make it work. He found an old couple, through his vet (“Older than US!” he said) who really wanted a cat, as theirs died in 2017 and they were finally ready.

“I don’t know if I want another cat or not,” I said to Ned. “I’ve decided to say to the universe, If you want me to have a cat, send me one.”

“Hunh,” said Ned, who doesn’t believe in the universe.

After we got strawberries and heirloom tomatoes at a garden center, and by the way Ned once called then antique tomatoes and I will never get over this. After that, we went to Five Guys as Ned had his once-a-year craving for something beyond kale. We took the food to the park in my old neighborhood, and I don’t even know why I did this, but as I was finishing, I got my phone out of my purse. There was a voicemail.

“Hello, June, this is the animal shelter. Are you interested in fostering two orphaned kitt–“

I dialed back before she was even done.

“Oh, here we go,” said Ned. “Hello, universe.”

We had less than half an hour to get to the shelter before it closed, and I picked me up a couple-a these:

Naturally, I got up 49 times last night to feed them, and they were so not eating. I mean, they were eating a LITTLE, but not enough.

And that is how I found myself on a Sunday morning, driving to another city, with kittens next to me, having a rescue (“rescue”) place help me. This very kind woman, who had like 409 premie kittens at her place and it totally didn’t smell cat and I meant to ask her HOW she pulled that off, this nice woman gave me tips and different formula and I am sorry to tell you something called a miracle nipple.

I did not say to her, “Hey! I was just talking shit about rescues on my last hard-hitting blog post!” I kept that to myself. But she DID tell me they only adopt kitten duos. They don’t let anyone adopt a solo kitten.

That said, she really was marvelous and so helpful and I am now waiting for the kittens to wake up and want to eat again and here’s hoping they want to eat for real. Cause that panicked me.

Edsel is as usual delighted. When I brought them home yesterday, he was just excited to see me, but then the carrier I had


and you shoulda seen his head swing around.

OK, he looks murder/suicide-y here, but you’re gonna have to trust me.

So in sum, it’s been a big weekend, and it’s Sunday afternoon and I am exhaust and I did not wash my floors or do laundry yet and why the hell don’t I have a maid? I could so use a Florence from The Jeffersons right about now. Was she a LIVE-IN maid? Seems absurd. Did she ever get a day off? Did Florence have any kind of life outside of the Jeffersons and their revolving Lionels?

Anyway, that’s what’s new.


57 thoughts on “In which June says, “miracle nipple” with a blown-straight face

  1. You must be so busy, but know that I keep checking to see if you wrote again with my fingers crossed. You are one of my best anxiety coping mechanisms.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I really like your hair! I’m also happy that you have new foster kittens. But I’m mostly happy for Edsel because he loves his sweet kittens.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your hair looks great! That will be a nice savings long-term in your budget, so yay! I never really understood how the growing out the grey/coloring at the same time worked. Your visual helps clarify.

    New kittens are sweet as usual.

    We won’t get heirloom or home-grown tomatoes till August, but they go so well with sweet corn and peaches at the same time. Yummy!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love your hair, it really suits you. My hair is turning salt and pepper which I kind of like as it’s very much like my Mums hair was.
    Your weekend sounds exciting. Two baby KittyKats to foster is the cherry on top. Have fun with them.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mortgage payment hair – worth it! It looks great I am hoping to do the same with mine once our lockdown is over – which is sometime this month so maybe July there will be an appointment available. Also KITTENS are the best. My neighbour got a puppy and I went over knocked on their door and asked to take her for a walk – they said yes so I got to go for a dog walk which is something I have missed.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Edsel looks like he’s pretending to be put out and exhausted by the thought of kitten babysitting again, except of course he secretly loves it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What a weekend! That’s how to celebrate being fully vaccinated.

    You look lovely in your new color and your pretty eyes really show in your During photo. Eds with his new kittens is the best foster dad. Lucky kitties.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Kittens and strawberries and beautiful hair. Getting together with friends and neighbours. You are living my dream!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I show every cute photo of Edsel to my husband, and we both have decided that we genuinely love Edsel, even though we have never met him. He’s just so cute with kittens. What a good boy!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. What a great weekend. Finally! How did it feel to eat food you didn’t have to fix for yourself? I’ve got about 10 days before I find out. I’m so sick of my own chicken/potatoes then hamburger then turkey burger then chicken/potatoes etc. Love the hair. That’s pretty much how I went gray. Kept getting highlights until you couldn’t really tell what was highlighted and what wasn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I had bad luck with delivery, cold and soggy. It’s a college town so they pretty much only do pizza well. So bored with my food!


  11. Sounds like a fun weekend- amazing to be able to do things again. Your hair looks great! I started the same process 18 months ago. I spent a full 5 hours in the chair getting teeny tiny highlights to blend with salt & pepper hair. It is great to no longer have to worry about roots or colour.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Two kitties! And they found the perfect foster mom with her miracle nipple hook up.

    Your hair is amazing – just stunning!

    Happy Monday Funday! (snort)

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Your hair is lovely! And your line to the universe is direct! That’s pretty amazing.
    I hope you and Edz have a great time with the babies!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. With your glasses, the hair makes you look super arty. I can’t explain why. I’m so excited by these little kitties! 🙂 And if you figure out how the lady made the place not smell, I want to know too, now!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. As soon as I saw your photo, I said to myself, I am so getting that haircut next time. But then I realized it probably was blown out (your hair, I mean), and because I cannot be bothered to spend any time on my hair ever, I sighed in resignation. It looks so great!
    Kittttttttttttens!!!!!!!!! I hope they start eating a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. “Hello universe!” I LOVE that. I also love that Ned said, “That’s a whole football game.” Those kitties are adorable! I can’t wait to see your hair curly–the real June Gardens–but it looks great!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. ‘“That’s an entire football game,” said Ned, who has also been blown straight.’ — floomp, dead. Great weekend report.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Such a fabulous post. I’m exhausted by your gadding about. The hair though is stunning and you look lovely! Baby kitties a bonus.


  18. I think your hair looks great. Worth the time and money in my opinion, especially when you get to a point where you don’t need color. Think of the time and money you’ll save then.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Your hair is lovely.

    Those kittens with Edz? Adorable!

    Tomatoes and strawberries? Yumm.

    Happy for you, Junie.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. That was a busy weekend, pre or post pandemic! Glad your migraine has abated, love the universe’s response, now craving 5 Guys. Your hair is fabulous, can’t wait to see it curly. Good luck to you and your miracle nipple.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Your hair is beautiful! What is a miracle-nipple? Sounds like it worked? Adorable fosters and Eds is such a good foster-pop.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Ned STILL doesn’t believe in the universe…even after you were sent two kittens.
    Come on man.
    He should also be worried about what else you can do , if you can ask the universe for kittens and you get them. Look out buddy boy.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh yes, reading and looking at pictures, I was going to vote for the silver look ,till I saw the finished photo and you look maaaahvahlass dahling.
      Edsel looks as if he is saying……mom can I keep ’em ,can I , can I, huh, huh? But without the excitement.


  23. 1. Your hair looks awesome!
    B. Antique tomatoes. Flomp! Tell Ned we have antique tomatoes in our garden that are doing well.
    #. THOSE KITTENS!!!! They are so cute. I regret not adopting the brother of my solid black cat years ago. So adopting couples sounds good to me.

    Liked by 2 people

  24. Your hair is AMAZING! Someday I’ll be brave and stop coloring mine. I turn 50 in a few months, so I’m going to wallow in that for a bit before I go all in.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I turn 50 in a few months too! However, they will pry my hair dye from my cold dead hands.
      At least that’s how I feel right now. I inherited such vanity from my Mama, whose natural hair color I do not know.


      1. Joob’s hair looks good, though. I just fear mine isn’t such a perfect white under All This.


        1. My gray is so not pretty like June’s! Every time I come home with fresh hair color, my husband says I look 20 years younger. I can’t even be mad at him, cause its true!


  25. The universe loves you. They knew you were a cat short, so gave you two.
    Your hair looks fabulous.
    Thanks for the weekend post. My day is complete.

    Liked by 1 person

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