Book of Juan returns with a special edition where she talks about cats!

Dooce just came back after a hiatus that was longer than mine, if you’ll forgive the phallic innuendo. She announced that she is sober, which, good for her. I am sorry to tell you I have nothing exciting or major like that to update you on. Cause I drink like once a year and get a migraine. So, no comeback with a WOW. (Check it out! Bo Whoa Bo Ricks!) Just back with more all-June’s-regular-crap all the crappy time.

It’s my uplifting attitude that brings you back year after year.

For the last five or six weeks, who knows how long that was; it’s a blur and this sentence is finely constructed and I cannot get enough of myself.

Anyway, since May 1, I had newborn teensy bottle-needing kittens

and you’ve no idea how time-consuming and bottle-consuming teensy newborn bottle-feeding kittens are. Plus also I have my trainer in the morning. Plus too too, work is King Kamehameha busy, so in sum you were my lowest priority and I am sorry. I had no time to talk to you, and had to go on a break, like Ross and Rachel. Now I will not even have tens of readers. I’ll have fives of readers.

But on Saturday, on this, our past weekend, I returned the kittens to their rightful owner, which is actually partially true. A friend of mine, a former coworker, is adopting the B&W one, and note that I am so pressed for time that I can’t possibly spell out black or white. Makes no difference if it’s black or white. Doodoodoododo, hee-heee (grabs parts).

Anyway, I returned the B&W and the B to the shelter, but they are not yet two pounds, which (a) is absurd, as they are 8 weeks old. But (2), my friend the adopter is now fostering them, in sort of a rent-to-own situation. She will foster them till they’re two pounds, then return them to be neutered, or spayed. What do you do with boy cats? Oh, hoooo care.

The point is, they are no longer with me. And I returned home and cleaned the kitten room and enjoyed the silence.

Actually, that’s not true, Ellen. Name that classic moment in TV. For as soon as I was done at the shelter, I had to screech over to my friend Wedding Alex’s, as she was having a birthday party for a one-year-old. I mean, not just some random one-year-old. Her child. She had a birthday party for her child, who you may have guessed by now because nothing gets past you, is one.

Here’s the issue. I have gained 400 pounds since we have been shut in, here, and nothing I had fit. “What about your dress?” I thought, combing my closet hoping there was a secret Mama Cass section I’d forgotten I’d put in.

I got a dress from Stitch Fix last year, and I kept it and then canceled Stitch Fix because what did I need clothes for? I spent most of summer 2020 in my Frida Kahlo robe. Looking more like Diego Rivera by the minute, with that whole sitting in the house eating thing I did.

By some miracle, the dress fit, and if the dress fit, you must a quit looking for something else to wear cause did I mention nothing fits? So I threw it on and headed out the door, kitten carrier in hand. When I got home that night, I perused my Ring doorbell alerts and saw this.

THE GIANT PRICE TAG WAS HANGING DOWN MY BACK. I went to the party like that. I recall one moment there, when I was concerned with the food table, as I am Diego Rivera, that Wedding Alex said, “Your tag is showing.” But I assumed she meant that little tag on the back that says, “Made in China” or whatever. OH MY GOD.

So that was my relaxing Saturday. Sun’s out, tag’s out.

So if that weren’t enough to make your weekend the best it can be, if hanging my price tag high weren’t enough, I also got a message, which of course always makes me go,

“WHAT.”

Any time I get a message, I am bugged. I do not like to be interrupted.

It was the friend of a friend, messaging me to say she needed to find at least a temporary home for a kitten and could I help.

Could I help.

So thank God I cleaned out the kitten room, because one day later, it’s full again. This is Clementine. She is 4 months old and everyone here hates her. Edsel fears her, Milhous (MILhous, of all people) hissed at her. She’s cloistered here till she gets shots anyway, but I let them look from a distance. Clementine got bottle brush tail and hissed at everyone. I have always heard dilute torties are bitchy.

But with me she is a dream. She makes a lot of eye contact and is very purry and cuddly. I can’t help it she doesn’t like anyone here. I can’t help it her dilute tortie comes out. Anyway, does anyone need a kitten?

I gotta go. I had all sorts of trouble today with this post, with typing it before work, then losing the whole thing cause Mercury is retrograde, and then finding it and publishing it on my lunch “hour,” like I ever take an hour. I rarely even really take a lunch. Why did a pandemic make it so we can’t turn work off?

I just looked over at Clementine and she began purring from across the room. This is a seriously nice kitten.

All right, I gotta go. It’s called working, sweaty.

65 thoughts on “Book of Juan returns with a special edition where she talks about cats!

  1. Well, hello! I was so happy when I clicked over here and found not one, but TWO new posts. I did not click yesterday because my yesterday and my day before yesterday SUCKED, but here I am now and overjoyed.

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  2. I do love a Tortie ‘tude.

    None of the pictures except the first one are showing up for me. I need to see this tag. Lol.

    Also, I saw a video where this guy was about to get on a plane when his Ring Doorbell alerted him to a visitor.

    It was a snake!!! He climbed up the porch handrail and was looking into the camera.

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  3. My tortie is not terribly mean but she is getting old now. She has been an only cat for all of her thirteen years. She has lived with dogs since she was eight weeks old.

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  4. Welcome back, June. And thank you for starting my day out with a laugh. The tag on your dress caught by the Ring camera.

    Little Clementine is adorable, as are the B and B&W kittens.

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  5. I am FINALLY getting to read and first, welcome back, Kotter! I mean Juan. I missed your blog posts!

    Oh my gosh, Clementine is adorable! I have a dilute tortie and the reputation fits her. She is a tiny cat who purrs and headbutts and adores all people, but she somehow scares the shit out of other cats. I never hear her growl or hiss, but they back away from her and don’t mess with her. Twice, she cornered a neighborhood cat more than double her size. I still don’t know what she did to scare him. He decided to take up with the people down the street full time. I don’t blame him. I used to think we might get another cat someday, but now I think probably not. She mostly leaves the dog alone, thankfully.

    I hope Clementine warms up to Edsel. It doesn’t seem right for him to not get some kitten snuggles from a foster kitty!

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  6. Glad to hear all is well, and nothing has changed . . . cats abound and wardrobe challenges. Always funny. Maybe the next round of ring doorbells will alert a person of a tag mishap. Like at a store when you leave with the security thing still on the clothes and the place buzzes.

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  7. Give yourself a look, hoo, check it out, Boa whoa Bo Ricks
    Give yourself an unh huh huh Bo whoa boricks!
    The entire song came back to me in an instant reading your post 🤣🤣

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  8. So glad to see you post, you have been greatly missed. You didn’t lose an ounce of funny while away. The dress tag cracked me up. I can’t believe baby Alex is already a year old. That Clementine is so cute, she has such a sweet face.
    Tee

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  9. I’m here to comment because I know you’ve had a bitch getting it posted Juan. Now I know might be in for a backlash but Torties, diluted or not, are mean cats. They love their caretaker but hate and mean hate everyone else. That’s my 10 cents and I’m sticking to it. She’s cute and beautiful and I hope you find her the best place to be.

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  10. Wonderful funny, sassy, whimsical, and very relatable post. We in the faithful fives thank you.

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  11. So glad to see you back! Your tag pictures reminded me of a story about my parents. They’d gone out to lunch with their Sunday School class (many, many moons ago) to a local buffet. Mom had made a trip to the restroom, and went through the buffet line with the back of her skirt tucked into her panty hose!! When she got to the table, she went to sit down and realized what had happened. She was mortified and shriek-whispered to my dad, “Marvin! You saw me come out of the restroom and stand in the buffet line-WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!” And he goes, “I thought you knew.”

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      1. Dead. I thought you knew!
        That happen to me twice, once at work and once at a church but both times a kind woman stepped in and saved me from complete humiliation.

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  12. Good to see you at least have your head above water.
    Come west sometime and I’ll feed you dinner.
    Dogs are, as always, welcome to visit.

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  13. Joooon! I was so happy to read a new post from you! I laughed through the whole thing, which is why I remain one of your faithful fives of readers. Love Clementine and her tortie-tude!

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  14. I hope Clementine the photogenic fuzzbucket relieves some of your stress, or maybe dilutes it.

    Too true about the creeping pandemic of “hey, you’re already working from home, why not work extra hours?” Last week I was asked at 6:30 pm whether maybe I could do a whole project for them before morning. I was able to give a convincing no because I was still working on something else. Snarl.

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  15. A new post! A new kitten! A new dress! A new reaction from Edsel.
    I rescued a calico cat once that I named Clementine Rose. She lives with my friends Pat & Steve. It’s an excellent name.
    I’m so happy to see you back.

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  16. Thank you for posting again! I’m sure it feels like a chore sometimes, but all your readers appreciate it.
    I did that same tag thing yesterday at church. I was feeling so cute and put-together and then when I got home I realized…tag hanging out the back the whole time. Oh well. It was nice to feel like I had it all together for a short time.

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  17. It’s good to see you back here on the ol’ blog!! I can’t believe Wedding Alex’s pandemic baby is ONE!
    I’ve met multiple cats named Clementine, but this is the first non-orange one. Love it! Oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’, oh my daaaaaarlin’, Clementine. You are lost and gone forever, oh my darlin’, Clementine. (Which is much better than same ditty with different lyrics, Found a Peanut.)

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  18. So good to read you and laugh. The tag photo was hilarious, but the dress looks really pretty from behind.

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  19. After finding your new post, I now consider June 7th to be my lucky day although, apparently, not so for Edsel and Milhous. A kitten that Eds fears? The earth’s poles must have flipped.

    Thanks for returning even though you now regret it.

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  20. I feel obligated to post a comment, just because I’m so glad you are back and wanted to positively reinforce that. (With this bland comment. So maybe it’s working in the opposite way.) Welcome back! And that little Clementine is adorable. One of my (three) cats has a spicy personality and takes no guff from anyone. Also – do not pick her up. But she is the first to roll over and want her belly rubbed when you get home, and she loves being petted and kissed on the head. Mostly gets along great with the other two, unless she is feeling annoyed. Then the spicy comes back out. Wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world.

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  21. You have a knack for identifying kitten personalities early on in their lives. You’d be good at that job where they decide which adopter gets what pet.

    Hope you have a great week!

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  22. Always great to see a post and I think I can speak for most of us when I say you have us in proper priority order.

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  23. Welcome back! Your dreams were your ticket out.

    Clementine is darling. I’m shocked that the other animals at Chez June do not share my opinion.

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    1. “… combing my closet hoping there was a secret Mama Cass section I’d forgotten I’d put in.”. Dead.

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    1. I had never been a Dakota Johnson fan until that moment. Anyone publicly calling out Ellen is okay by me.

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  24. Happy to see you’re back! Ooh, another grey kitty… my Cora is a dilute tortie, with mostly grey. Maybe pretty little Clementine will grow on the others, and she can stay. She’s very pretty.

    I was at my hairdressers in April, when she told me I had my shirt on inside out. Hadn’t noticed. In public. So it goes.

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  25. June came back in June. Came back in June. Came back …

    I wish I had a house of pets. Instead I live in my mother’s house with my cat and her dog. I am now doing what you did in your very first blog with the goal of buying a house and filling it with pets.

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  26. Fun post with everything a girl needs to start her day — cultural references, kitty pics, tags a fluttering…

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  27. Well I think the fact that Edz and Milhouse both have reactions to her settles the “Gonna keep her?” question. Even though I didn’t get the feeling you were planning to anyway, You don’t need another Lottie situation.

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  28. So glad you’re back! I have a cat like Clementine (except he’s dark grey and not a tortie). He hates everyone but me, and with me he’s the snuggliest, sweetest, little lovebug. I had a friend staying with me for a few months who was convinced the cat thought she was a zombie here to eat his brain, the way he hissed and ran, and generally sneered cat obscenities at her.

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  29. So glad you’re back! You’re so busy that I find it hard to believe that you have been sitting long enough to gain weight during this pandemic. Also, I think you must be a cat magnet. It’s a good thing.

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  30. Nice to see you here again. But I totes understand your recent hiatus. Take a break whenever you want to. Clementine is sweet.

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  31. Hi, Tried to open but says there’s no page associated with the post. Say, what???

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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