What day is this? Thursday? Yeah. I think it's Thursday. Is this week taking forever, or is it just me? I get good light in my little millhouse, which houses Milhous. At my old house, I could never really see the sunrise or sunset, not to sound too Fiddler on the Roof about it. But … Continue reading Pat Nixon is my spirit animal
I watch a lot of YouTube videos because any time I don't know how to do something around the house, I just YouTube it. Once I watched a video titled, "How to take down a ceiling fan and replace it with a light," and the whole video was a guy replacing a ceiling fan with … Continue reading Portret van June Gardens
I've sat here for two days making little changes to this now-defunct site. "Should I start this up again?" I ask myself. Then I think about all the ways people could be unkind and I walk into the next room, all sweaty. To be fair, I'm menopausin', so I walk into every room all sweaty … Continue reading It’s Britney, bitch
"Leaves no oily residue," my eye-makeup remover reads. I just read that this morning while I was washing off the oily residue from my eye-makeup remover. Just tell the truth. Jesus. "Removes your makeup pretty cheaply because it's the drug store brand." You know what I really like is that Clinique eye-makeup remover, but it's … Continue reading Weathered Vain
Some nights, Edsel is just too much. With the flumping dramatically off the bed whenever I move a corpuscle. Then floomping back on a minute later. With the pressing his head on my neck as hard as he can, for pets. At 4 a.m. So some nights I kick him out. Last night was one … Continue reading Oh, you know. Just cats, The Simpsons, and blender-licking.
I used to run. Did you know that? Not fast or anything. I kind of plod. But I took a running class once in college. I probably need some precise amount of credits to get my student loans that term, or something, and I know gym classes were always one credit. I remember the very … Continue reading Skate away
When we last left each other, flush from our reunion, I told you that Steely Dan was injured and I'd taken him to the vet. It turns out, it wasn't a cat fight. It was a rock lobster. No. It was a fence or maybe a tree. They think he got caught in a fence. … Continue reading Don’t fence me in
As you all know, because you've drawn my life story onto the walls of your cave, my pal The Poet is a fancy poet. She's being sent to London next week, to read her poetry to all of London. She's big, Ben. The point is, Fancy The Poet came to my desk the other day, … Continue reading Heel
There's a weird smell in my house, and I took out the trash hoping that was it, but I just noticed it again as I came in here, and I can't help but think, What did a cat murder and bring in here? Like, somewhere the circle of life has circled, and I've yet to … Continue reading She lost her youth and she lost her Tony. Home perm.
I'm writing you on Sunday night because I have to call the IRS in the morning to figure out if I owe money or I'm getting money back, a thing TurboTax can't seem to tell me, which makes my ass ache mightily. Yes, June, that's a shame. So, what'd you do this weekend? Well, mostly … Continue reading June’s delusional world
"I have an all-day meeting and I'm getting out of work early," said Ned, and "early" for Ned means "a normal time to leave work" in my world. Remind me to never be the president of anything. Except this nonblog. "Would you like to have dinner? I'll be early, so you can eat like the … Continue reading Ned and June Put Edsel to the Test
It's a cold, rainy, miserable Monday following stupid daylight saving, which is the perfect punctuation to a cold, rainy miserable weekend. Later today, it's going to snow! In March! So then it'll be a cold, snowy, miserable March Monday. In 11 years of living in NC, I have yet to encounter snow in March. Right … Continue reading June is generally cranky.
I am 52 and single (see above). The longer I am single, the less that bothers me. Sort of. The single part? Okay, fine. Although my nightly pet orgy is cause for concern. But the 52 and LOOKING 52 part? Okay, that rankled. Fortunately, I've had a blog (WEBSITE!! IT'S A WEBSI--oh, who are we … Continue reading I had Ultherapy. Volume I.
Hang on. I'm strappin' on Laila Ali. Do you think every time I say I'm strapping on Laila Ali that the real Laila Ali gets a little thrill and doesn't know why? "Ooo, what is that? Always happens around 8 a.m. Eastern." Plus also, do you think the fine folks at The Green Bean coffeehouse … Continue reading A whole post literally about nothing
[Flumps coat and purse in first, slides into booth after.] Have you been here long? Sometimes, on Mondays, when I haven't written all weekend, I sit down here at my desk and think, What the fuck did I just do for the last 72 hours? Today is one of those days. Then what I'll do … Continue reading The Weeknd (God, is June hip)
When we left each other yesterday, slamming the door and saying, "IT'S OVER! I MEAN IT THIS TIME!", I was going to try to come back here and write you at lunch. That didn't happen. Work. Tis busy. So here's a two-day update on everything that's happening in my stupid world. I wish to tell … Continue reading In which aspic is mentioned
"I'm just calling to let you know the Russell Stover eggs are available," I said to my mother, although in truth it was more: "Uh ussel oer eggs are aaailul." As I was, of course, already eating mine as I pulled out the Rite Aid, there. "I have four in my cupboard already," said my … Continue reading To Reader. Love Always, June
Yesterday, I finally relented and called my doctor, because you know how I resist doing that. I'm never one to call the doctor. Or cause a fuss. Anyway, he insisted I get an x-ray of my toe, because apparently if you let it go, occasionally something hellish could happen and all of a sudden Scarlett … Continue reading I just laid there. Or lay. You know what sounds good? Lay’s Potato Chips.
Hang on. I gotta strap on Laila Ali first... Say, June, weren't you drying your hair LAST time we talked? Yes. Yes, I was. Hygiene. It's repetitive. Anyway, we haven't talked since Friday and we have a lot of topics to cover, so I thought today I'd use subheads, so you don't end up with … Continue reading Disjointed
I had two plans tonight: coworkers were getting drinks at 5:00, and then other friends invited me over at 8:00-ish. Don't you hate people who add "ish" to a time? What are we, gay men in the '60s? That outfit is fab, lover. Anyway, I eschewed my right-after-work plans because I didn't work today. I … Continue reading June talks to you while she gets ready for her hot Friday night.