I have the best possible news. My smoothies came. I forgot to look in the bathroom mirror this morning and rub my (new) lips like the girl in the commercial, but I did grab a smoothie out of the freezer the way she did. I ordered a bunch of flavors, but here are the ingredients … Continue reading June’s word is pink gold
"Leaves no oily residue," my eye-makeup remover reads. I just read that this morning while I was washing off the oily residue from my eye-makeup remover. Just tell the truth. Jesus. "Removes your makeup pretty cheaply because it's the drug store brand." You know what I really like is that Clinique eye-makeup remover, but it's … Continue reading Weathered Vain
I just timed how long it takes for me to take care of all the current animals: 15 minutes. I didn't get any time to just sit with and pet all the kittens, so without, you know, being kind to kittens, just basic feeding and scooping and changing water, it's 15 minutes. I guess that's … Continue reading Toasted since 1964
I'll wait till you can stop slapping your knee over that headline. Let's see. What the hell did I do this weekend while you were here in my computer in suspended animation? Friday. On Friday afternoon, I got an Amazon delivery at work. "I need a blog," the mailroom guy always says to me, as … Continue reading “June,” “May” We Hear About Your “April” Weekend? Otherwise We’ll “March.”
Yesterday morning, I headed to the break room at work to put hot water in my oatmeal, like a fairly good person. When I got in there, there was a cupcake holder. Well. They were FUNFETTI cupcakes. I'm fun. I'm fetti. So, what oatmeal? What flax? There was FUNFETTI to be had. So I ate … Continue reading Your number-one source for kitten pics and poop stories
It's Monday morning, and I can't remember what I did this weekend. Not in a John Lennon "I slept with so many Asian chicks who weren't my wife" kind of way, although really, you can't blame him for that. And who knows? Maybe I did sleep with Asian chicks all weekend. Let's look at this … Continue reading Hashtag Poop
When we left each other yesterday, slamming the door and saying, "IT'S OVER! I MEAN IT THIS TIME!", I was going to try to come back here and write you at lunch. That didn't happen. Work. Tis busy. So here's a two-day update on everything that's happening in my stupid world. I wish to tell … Continue reading In which aspic is mentioned
Dear Women Who Prattle at Movies: What the hell is wrong with you? Last night, my old movie theater showed To Kill a Mockingbird, and I got there fairly early in order to get my popcorn (dinner) and get a decent parking spot. Not necessarily in that order, and what I like about myself is … Continue reading To Kill a Talking Bird
It snowed. If you've read me for awhile, you'll know that (a), that means work was called off, although we are expected to "work from home," and I remember a really bad storm two years ago where I proofread a giant deck--giant--and just as I was finishing it, Iris stepped on my laptop and erased … Continue reading June the snowflake
In August of 2007, my then-spouse, Marvin, and I moved from Los Angeles to Wadesboro, North Carolina. We went from a population of 3 million to a population of 3,000. It didn't occur to me that this might take some adjustment. But this is what I DO in life. I plow through it, never thinking … Continue reading TinyTown, revisited
I did something I wish I hadn't. I agreed via email, while at my regularly scheduled job, to take on a freelance project. I didn't pay enough attention to the deets and dear June, please say deets, because please see above ref to regularly scheduled job and distracted. They offered me a flat rate, and … Continue reading I ran out of Ritalin. You can totally tell.
I stood in my backyard just now and watched several leaves fall from the branches of my tree and sway all the way to the ground. It was so pretty that I got the phone so I could show you, but of course once I got the damn phone, the leaves stayed tight. weee not … Continue reading My 404 Not Found Error
Under last night's waxing gibbous, I found myself at the Full Moon Oyster Bar, in the company of a man. A gentleman caller. A swain. It was not our first date. I kind of hope it will not be our last. Also, I did not eat any oysters. You know, I used to. Back in … Continue reading Certain the neighbors enjoy me blasting Tom Petty at 7:53 a.m.
There was a bug in the bedroom. I don't mean a mosquito, or a pesky fly. I mean there was a huge, black, antenna'd, angrily protesting bug in my room whose sole purpose was to terrify me. If I were to make an educated guess, I'd estimate he was about 16 feet long. I first … Continue reading R3sid3nc3 W!th ACK L@dy
I just hit snooze for an hour, then when I finally did get up, I put my contacts in the wrong eyes. I don't mean I woke up Vladimir Putin and put my contacts in his eyes. You know what I mean. Stay tuned for more tips from June Gardens, Efficiency Expert. I never did … Continue reading The People Who Must Look at June’s Nose
Yesterday was kind of a fun day, till it wasn't. I did all sorts of things on my vacation-at-home list that I've been meaning to get to and never do. For example, I called the dry cleaner: Did I have stuff there? Yes, ma'am, you've had clothes here for a year. I changed my phone … Continue reading Total eclipse of the dog
Look at the sun, up there. Soooooo smug. Oh, Ima shine on you all day. Like I always do. HAH! We, the audience, know better. Anyway hi. I'm not at work, and I was luxuriating in bed, thinking how lovely it was to, you know, luxuriate in the bed, when I remembered you guys saying, … Continue reading Turn around, bright eyes
I went outside with Edsel just now, and it was such a cool breezy morning that I decided to take pictures. I realize that made no sense. "It was so delicious I decided to listen to it." "You should have heard how it smelled." No, I HAVEN'T been smoking the pot. What's WRONG with you? … Continue reading It was so delicious I decided to listen to it.
Yesterday was a ridiculous day, from my series of June's Ridiculous Days. The newsletter went out at work yesterday, and I am the editor of it, and newsletter day is always a bit chaotic. Then, at lunch, I screamed home and finished that perpetual calendar I've been droning on about all week. I finished it, … Continue reading When a broken purse is the least of your woes
I have a story that's hilarious, or at least it would be when I told it, with my fine storytelling skills, and hey, modesty. But as I always do before I tell someone else's story, I asked first if it would be okay to tell, and it turns out it's not okay to tell, which … Continue reading The one where June never shuts up. Yeah, that one. This one time.