Welp. Christmas. We got through it, and now my throat hurts, so the one holiday I can kind of get behind, New Year's, will be rooooooooned. Do you know people who pronounce ruined like that? "Rooooooned." I think Marvin did. The memory is starting to escape me, like Kate Winslet and Jim Carey on the … Continue reading Oh, did sleigh bells ring? I had my ringer off.
Here's what I like about myself. I mean, other than the obvious "everything." I recently got matched with a cool-looking dude on the Bumble, there, and with that particular dating site, they give you 24 hours to write the person after you've been matched, and the woman has to write first. This cuts down dramatically … Continue reading Chicken parm for the marm
Right now, everyone is outside except for old Steely Dickly, here, and it occurs to me that if he were my only pet, I'd be miserable. He's never HERE. He comes in to eat, maybe sleep with one gray arm strewn across his eyes, chew a few of my beloved clothing items, then leave for … Continue reading It’s a pretty good crowd for a–oh, shut up.
First of all, before we all up and forget, it's Steely Dan's birthday. He is one, according to the estimated birth date the vet gave him back when I first brought him in. I would take a picture of old Steely Dan, but he's outside tripping the elderly or whatever the hell. He's mostly a … Continue reading I’m in my prime. You are too.
Look how well my daisies are doing! ...I got flowers for our receptionist on Valentine's Day, and I over bought and couldn't fit all of the flowers into one vase, so I was all, "Guess I own daisies now." And it's, according to my math, 279 days later and just look! My fancy flowers I … Continue reading Marzo Thomas
Ned has to move. Did I tell you that? Our gaylord--well, HIS gaylord, is selling the place, a thing we distinctly asked him about in 2014 when we moved in, and he said he had no intention of selling. Of course, I'm one to talk, having kicked out my poor tenant, fmr., after just one … Continue reading Taquit-oh, June
Yesterday evening, after a very busy day that I'm sorry to inform you Ima tell you about, I headed to the grocery store to get cat food, because the cupboard was literally bare in the cat food department. I really have to look into that deliver-pet-food-regularly thing you guys keep telling me is out there … Continue reading How many of them hormones you been takin’, honey?
Yeah, well, so. I saw Ned again. I KNOW. Everything you're gonna tell me, I already know. I KNOW, okay? Goddammit. On Friday, I went to a goodbye party for one of the Alexes, one who's actually named Alex, and it bugs her when, say, I call our coworker Tiffany "Alex." "I'm the real Alex," … Continue reading The Big Game
Well, here we are. My favorite day of the year. No one expects us to be festive, and thank god for that. Do you enjoy my new sugar skull calendar? Remember when I had that vintage Better Homes & Gardens calendar that I was so obsessed with, and I made you look at the picture … Continue reading Suck zinc.
Hi! [Breezes in, opens your cookie jar.] This is it? God. Yesterday morning my damn computer kept spooling at me and groaning and waving a hanky and basically my computer was Ashley Wilkes, neglecting the wood stack and gazing at the sunset, missing 12 Oaks, so I said "Fuck it" and didn't blog. At lunch … Continue reading Oh, good. Christmas.
One of you was nice enough to send me a few cases of canned kitten food, which when I think about it musta cost a pretty penny and thank you again. The good news is that Steely Dan just loves it, and his fur is so gleamy and soft. Jesus. I thought I'd better get … Continue reading A 51-year-old woman complains bitterly about cat food. Which is not at all sad.
Because you know how linear I am, I'll describe my weekend for you, Friday through Sunday, and how long do you give me to screw that up? Does it bug you, you Tidy Tess types, when I'm all over the place the way I am, or does it fascinate you, the way happy, well-adjusted people … Continue reading June tells you what she ate. Riveting.
Last night I had a dream that I was signing Edsel up for the FetLife website. FetLife is, well, let me look it up because I don't actually know. ...Okay. FetLife is like a dating site for people with fetishes, and what saddens me is that I don't know what Edsel's fetish is, although I'll … Continue reading Vonda Shepherd Mix
Yesterday was ridik. I had to take my car into the shop, which I think I've told you now 800 times, and you'd think I was taking it in to get it tricked out. You'd think my car was transitioning. Do you know what I'd like? Is a little Fiat. I love those. In some … Continue reading Hand Jumping June
This is why you can't let puppies out your sight for even one minute. This is why my days are spent never deep sitting anymore, but rather bounding up constantly whenever that dog toddles out of the room. And have I lost weight? No. Also, experts advise that when your puppy is in duress, it's … Continue reading The weekend. As told by Joon Gardens.
Lottie is such an asshole. I feel like, if we could see her agenda, her datebook, it'd just be filled with appointments to annoy us. Lottie Day Plannur nyne fifteeeen: try to hump eyeriss. five ay yam: wyne and skreech in crate. bownce against crate barrs. yap. edsul would not be charged by jury off … Continue reading Edsel Joe McAllister
Killing season is taxing. Speaking of which, Eds and I were in the park last night, after Chicken Watch 2016, wherein this time Eds put his paw up like he was some sort of pointer, a thing he almost never does, and I wonder if he's finally realizing chikkens be reel. Oh my god with … Continue reading June Gardens, first responder
Edsel and I had kind of an upsetting night last night, and I just inexplicably typed his name "Edseul." He's now phoreign. That's "foreign" with an underbite. We were on our regularly scheduled walk, and does your dog lose his shit every single day over the walk portion of the evening, even though it's the … Continue reading June sees an abusive boy; goes Pit on his ass. Story at 11:00.
Dood. Oh my god. I know I'm a high weight when my thighs touch at the tops, and lately they've been reaching out and touching someone, which bothers. I've been FEELING phat, too, but I've been afraid to weigh myself. Yesterday I did. Not just at my high weight, I'm at THE HIGHEST I'VE EVER … Continue reading New birth. New girth.
And I'd just SAID, "It's been a really long time since I've had a migraine." Why do I say things like that? But really. I usually run through my whole prescription in a month, usually to the day. But I'd gone almost TWO months with one prescription. Not anymore. The rest of the weekend was … Continue reading Longest day of the year, and I had a migraine through all of it.