A friend asked, "Did your decline in readership begin about the same time as the purchase of your webcam?"
Okay, SHUT UP. My webcam ROCKS. It is perfect for me. All I need is me, writing about me, while taking pictures of me and putting them up on what I wrote. About me.
Besides, my readership is up up up! I think. I can never do the math. Anyway, who cares? Remember I wasn't gonna care?
At any rate, I am trying to write you while I am being STARED at unblinkingly by SOMEONE in the canine family who might have heard me say "dog park," so I must get right to it. There is nothing more penetrating than the stare of a dog. Well, I mean maybe surgical instruments are more penetrating. Perhaps a huge javelin coming at me at 5,000 miles an hour is more penetrating.
You know what I mean.
FIRST of all, which really technically is third of all, as I have already touched on so many important topics, my diet is HORRENDOUS as of late. I had another chili cheese dog from Sonic today. Could someone get me banned from there? They are my kryptonite. My Samson's hair. My Samsonite.
So right now I am being GAZED AT with an intensity UNBEKNOWNST to anyone previously while I am sipping a smoothie. Okay, so a smoothie has 9 hundred billion calories. Still, there is fruit involved. And yogurt. IT'S BETTER THAN A CHILI CHEESE DOG, OKAY? Just cut me some slack, man! I'm tryin'!
I am still trying to be vegetarian, despite the chili, hooves, and snouts lunch. Marvin has done a really marvelous job of providing vegetarian dinners when I get home, so I just have to do better at lunch.
Speaking of Tallulah, which for once I wasn't, several people today have sent me the story of that poor child named Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. Have you heard about this? Her parents named her that and she got to be a ward of the court and change it.
Okay, seriously. This is why I don't have kids. I would TOTALLY name my child Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii if I thought of it. "Well, we're thinking Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii if it's a girl, and Snaphappy Fishsuit if it's a boy." I really, really would! And this is why they invented birth control.
Plus, I think Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii should lighten the lei up. It's a GREAT name! It conjures up happy Hawaii plumeria images, don't you think?
But perhaps my perspective is skewed.
When I was a kid, my parents were total hippies. They will deny this, but please. They sat on the floor and drank tea. We made tie-dyed snowmen. They came to PTA meetings wearing caftans (especially dad).
So, being the big hippies of Michigan that they were, we used to get together and have awareness sessions where we would drink our tea and discuss our feelings over a big fattie. (Okay, there were actually no drugs in their hippie life. It sounded authentic, tho, didn't it?)
Anyway, one night around the hookah my parents said, "June, man, you're your own person, man. Your name is June right now, but whenever you're ready, you tell us what your name really is. Man."
I was four.
I mulled it over for a week or two, in between protesting the war and campaigning for McGovern, and finally I said, "Pam, John, sit down. I have my name." (Yes, I really did call them Pam and John. They did not go in for labels. Man.)
"My name," I announced, "is Sparkly Rose Blossom."
Thank everything they said no. Cause what would I have done with that name? I'd totally be on the pole. Workin' at Scores. At age 43. Mmm. Pretty.
But if you know me, and maybe even if you don't, you know, Sparkly Rose Blossom was really a good pick. I love all sparkly things, and everything should be pink and flowery, if you ask me. So, I have to hand it to myself that I encapsulated myself pretty well. It was way more me than had I chosen, say, Joan Beigesuit or something.
SERIOUSLY that dog has no PATIENCE! Grow up already! Yeesch. I guess Hula and Sparkly better hit the park.