I have the best possible news. My smoothies came. I forgot to look in the bathroom mirror this morning and rub my (new) lips like the girl in the commercial, but I did grab a smoothie out of the freezer the way she did. I ordered a bunch of flavors, but here are the ingredients … Continue reading June’s word is pink gold
"Leaves no oily residue," my eye-makeup remover reads. I just read that this morning while I was washing off the oily residue from my eye-makeup remover. Just tell the truth. Jesus. "Removes your makeup pretty cheaply because it's the drug store brand." You know what I really like is that Clinique eye-makeup remover, but it's … Continue reading Weathered Vain
Some nights, Edsel is just too much. With the flumping dramatically off the bed whenever I move a corpuscle. Then floomping back on a minute later. With the pressing his head on my neck as hard as he can, for pets. At 4 a.m. So some nights I kick him out. Last night was one … Continue reading Oh, you know. Just cats, The Simpsons, and blender-licking.
Oooo, man, I did NOT feel well yesterday. They warn you of this when you do the damn keto diet, that you might get what they call the keto flu. It's when your body is switching over. For some reason your body gets annoyed. I had a bad headache, I was exhausted, and most important: … Continue reading Keto, day four. Am I thin yet?
The good news is I've already lost a pound and three ounces. I adore the naysayers who're all, "It's water weight!" I don't care whose weight it is as long as it's gone. How I prepared Before I shopped for keto groceries, I went on a quiz site that reported how many grams of fat, protein … Continue reading Day One of Keto, Completed
Because I don't have enough going on, today I'm starting the keto diet. You know it's a good sign when you don't get to the grocery store to BUY your keto food till 9 p.m. Which is what I did yesterday. Look, I have a lot of kittening and catting and dog-walking to do after … Continue reading Keto My Heart
Were you worried I'd slip and forget the banana story? Did you think I'd peel out of work Friday and forget you? That I'd split and forget about the banana? What a fruity idea. June's readers. Finding June unapPEELing since 2018. As you know, from your Enormous Banana of June Events, my ridik coworker Camilo--whom … Continue reading June Doles Out the Special Banana Post
I've been thinking about the shit I ate when I was a kid. Not at home, since if one is at my mother's, the conversation goes like this: Me: I'm hungry. Mom: Eat an apple. Has there ever been a more depressing answer in the history of time beyond, "Eat an apple"? Perhaps: Me: I'm … Continue reading Marshmallow Stars
Here's what I like about myself. I mean, other than the obvious "everything." I recently got matched with a cool-looking dude on the Bumble, there, and with that particular dating site, they give you 24 hours to write the person after you've been matched, and the woman has to write first. This cuts down dramatically … Continue reading Chicken parm for the marm
You know what I don't like? Yes, June. In fact, I have a comprehensive list. It's really more of a scroll at this point. No, there's a new one. Sigh. [turns scroll sideways to write in the margin] Packet oatmeal that makes you work for it. You're buying DRY OATMEAL in a foil PACKET. Clearly … Continue reading Sowing my wildly expensive oats
I'm trying to think of what happened this weekend, but it's such a haze, what with the heroin and all. Or, alternatively, 18 bottles of fizzy strawberry water. Let's see. On Friday, I took myself for a pedicure, and I know. I'm living pretty high on the hog these days. I was supposed to have … Continue reading You’re never too old for a fur ball.
I went outside with Edsel just now, and it was such a cool breezy morning that I decided to take pictures. I realize that made no sense. "It was so delicious I decided to listen to it." "You should have heard how it smelled." No, I HAVEN'T been smoking the pot. What's WRONG with you? … Continue reading It was so delicious I decided to listen to it.
"I have to blog," I just told my mother. Not that I have a blog. When I'm visiting her, I always emphasize how, if I'm writing, I don't like to be interrupted. Ruins m'flow. "I know you have you write, you've told me and told me," she said from her perch in the living room. … Continue reading At 52, June finally plays with a full deck
Yesterday was a harrowing workday, which resulted in my shoulders up right on my ears pretty much for 8 hours. When I was done with my GODDAMN DAY, I dearly wanted a drink. I never drink during the week now, part of my weight loss plan that's resulted in precisely no weight loss. "I want … Continue reading Mr. Greensboro
My GERD medicine annoys me. "Take in the morning, half an hour to one hour before eating." Oh, okay. Because everyone has an entire spare hour in the morning before they eat. "So I take this BEFORE I slop the hogs and bail the hay." I was out choppin' cotton and my brother was bailin' … Continue reading WHAT.
Last night, I finished a freelance project. This is good, as I had negative four dollars in checking yesterday, so. The thing about having freelance work is you can never relax. I left work a little late because I wanted to get something all the way done by the end of my day. Then I … Continue reading Oh good, cat pictures
I hate podcasts. I'm SORRY. I'm sure your sister's really is magnificent. I'm sure if I just tried [insert fucking podcast here]...or gave a listen to...or have I heard...? Yeah, no. I'm not going to like any of those, either. And look, I WANT to like them. I'd love another way to waste time; are … Continue reading Lime-a-Ritas with Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have a new thing that bugs me. "WHAT? How can that be POSSIBLE, easygoing June!" [Leans into computer, rapt.] When someone refers to any emotion being "at a cellular level." Oh, shut up. Yes, my cells know I got kicked out of Brownies when I was six, and they're still celling over it. Jesus … Continue reading Linear. That’s what I am. Yep.
I be Hutch. Wear be Starskee? hahahahahaha Anyway. I hadn't had my eyebrows waxed since Wilford Brimley was a child, so I went to Elegant Nail & Tan, which I realize suggests all kinds of featured services that do not seem to include waxing, but you must trust me on this. While I was waiting, … Continue reading Joe Lies
Ned has to move. Did I tell you that? Our gaylord--well, HIS gaylord, is selling the place, a thing we distinctly asked him about in 2014 when we moved in, and he said he had no intention of selling. Of course, I'm one to talk, having kicked out my poor tenant, fmr., after just one … Continue reading Taquit-oh, June