It happened again. I poured water in the damn coffeepot, put the filter in JUST SO, put the lid on JUST FUCKING SO, turned it on, waited to hear it gurgle, showered, came back, and? It didn't brew. THIS COFFEEPOT IS THE DEATH OF ME. I had to pick it up and put it back… Continue reading Hamilton
Current situation: My tight-fitting Laila Ali dryer bonnet is atop my head. I've got fresh coffee in my favorite mug (for local folk: It's one of those really thick ones from The Green Bean) and I DID have a dog snout in my lap till just now, when I snapped at my computer. Does your… Continue reading From underneath Laila Ali
First of all, I'm not back together with Ned, and I'm not sleeping with Ned. Okay, once. As you know, from your Big Book of--oh, hell, like two days ago, I told you that since I changed my mind at the last minute about which house I wanted to buy, I ended up being homeless… Continue reading Catch up on…June’s love life
I have the best possible news. My smoothies came. I forgot to look in the bathroom mirror this morning and rub my (new) lips like the girl in the commercial, but I did grab a smoothie out of the freezer the way she did. I ordered a bunch of flavors, but here are the ingredients… Continue reading June’s word is pink gold
Why does everyone bug you when you're busy? Have you ever noticed that? If you're bored stiff, your social world is a desert. But if you've got shit to do, people are crawling out from every damn crack in the wall. Waving their antennae. I had a busy week at work last week, but when… Continue reading Why Sussex
I got my crown. Of course I took a flattering selfie at the dentist. What are you? New? I feel like I didn't look that bad in real life, but what do I know? They have a procedure there where you get the whole crown in one visit--no horrific temporary. No mold where they stick… Continue reading Royal with cheese
Eds won't stop acting the fool this morning. "Come sit and chew Blu and be a nice dog," I just commanded him. Really, I should put off covering that chair for longer. It's not disgusting enough. I guess if I recover that chair, putting it by the back door again is out, right? I need,… Continue reading Next to the astronaut
It's Monday morning, and I can't remember what I did this weekend. Not in a John Lennon "I slept with so many Asian chicks who weren't my wife" kind of way, although really, you can't blame him for that. And who knows? Maybe I did sleep with Asian chicks all weekend. Let's look at this… Continue reading Hashtag Poop
I am sorry to make Faithful Reader Paula tense, but I don't have much time today. We have a first-thing meeting at work today re our annual evaluations. Our choices were a lunchtime meeting (no, not with free food. We'd have stampeded to that) or a first-thing-in-the-morning shindig. I opted for first thing. You know… Continue reading NedTalks
I had a friend who, with her husband, went through some shit. When they were going through said shit, every time a bill came they just threw it in this one black garbage bag. Threw it in there and didn't acknowledge it. Just the thought of that makes me nervous. Eventually, they got their lives… Continue reading What are you putting off?
"I have an all-day meeting and I'm getting out of work early," said Ned, and "early" for Ned means "a normal time to leave work" in my world. Remind me to never be the president of anything. Except this nonblog. "Would you like to have dinner? I'll be early, so you can eat like the… Continue reading Ned and June Put Edsel to the Test
"Beep!" "Beep!" 12:50 a.m. it was, and some DAMN beep from some DAMN alarm was going off last night. It'd almost be better to die of the carbon monoxide or the intruder than keep getting awakened with these damn beeps. They always have to be "damn" beeps. I threw the covers off and got up… Continue reading It’s Pi day! This blog no longer has “pie” in its title! So now I’m just berserk!
Hang on. I'm strappin' on Laila Ali. Do you think every time I say I'm strapping on Laila Ali that the real Laila Ali gets a little thrill and doesn't know why? "Ooo, what is that? Always happens around 8 a.m. Eastern." Plus also, do you think the fine folks at The Green Bean coffeehouse… Continue reading A whole post literally about nothing
[Flumps coat and purse in first, slides into booth after.] Have you been here long? Sometimes, on Mondays, when I haven't written all weekend, I sit down here at my desk and think, What the fuck did I just do for the last 72 hours? Today is one of those days. Then what I'll do… Continue reading The Weeknd (God, is June hip)
When we left each other yesterday, slamming the door and saying, "IT'S OVER! I MEAN IT THIS TIME!", I was going to try to come back here and write you at lunch. That didn't happen. Work. Tis busy. So here's a two-day update on everything that's happening in my stupid world. I wish to tell… Continue reading In which aspic is mentioned
Yesterday, I finally relented and called my doctor, because you know how I resist doing that. I'm never one to call the doctor. Or cause a fuss. Anyway, he insisted I get an x-ray of my toe, because apparently if you let it go, occasionally something hellish could happen and all of a sudden Scarlett… Continue reading I just laid there. Or lay. You know what sounds good? Lay’s Potato Chips.
Dear Women Who Prattle at Movies: What the hell is wrong with you? Last night, my old movie theater showed To Kill a Mockingbird, and I got there fairly early in order to get my popcorn (dinner) and get a decent parking spot. Not necessarily in that order, and what I like about myself is… Continue reading To Kill a Talking Bird
Do you remember the other day--like, two days ago--when I showed you that big tower of canned kitten food I bought? There are two cans of it left. Yeesch. Four kittens: Turns out, they eat. But that, my rapt audience ("Talk about fekking kittens more, June"), is not why I've gathered you all here today,… Continue reading June polls you. And she didn’t even buy you a drink first
When I first get up, I feel vaguely like a cafeteria server at the prison, or like Laura Ingalls Wilder when she had to feed the threshers the first day she was married. "Gee, June, I don't remember that from the show." And that was the day June tore down the street in her chonies… Continue reading Queen Kong
Saturday was, like, perfect. Except there was no sex. But what're you gonna do? I'm old. Those days are over. Now I'm depressed. Fuck Saturday. So to speak. Anyway, when I woke up, it was warm-ish out. Like, in-the-'50s warmish. Which was lovely, considering I had been living inside a snow globe for the past… Continue reading The Perfect Day