It happened again. I poured water in the damn coffeepot, put the filter in JUST SO, put the lid on JUST FUCKING SO, turned it on, waited to hear it gurgle, showered, came back, and? It didn't brew. THIS COFFEEPOT IS THE DEATH OF ME. I had to pick it up and put it back … Continue reading Hamilton
Edsel is my wingman. We're going on a road trip together tonight. I have never actually understood what "wingman" means. He's going to eat my leftover wings? Because Edsel will surely do that. Anyway, tonight after work, once it's dark and dangerous, The Eds and I are getting in the car and heading to Michigan. … Continue reading Wingdog
I'll wait till you can stop slapping your knee over that headline. Let's see. What the hell did I do this weekend while you were here in my computer in suspended animation? Friday. On Friday afternoon, I got an Amazon delivery at work. "I need a blog," the mailroom guy always says to me, as … Continue reading “June,” “May” We Hear About Your “April” Weekend? Otherwise We’ll “March.”
You know the part where I'm weird? Now imagine it in high school. Because I was generally this, just with better legs, in high school. In fact, I was even weirder, as I had not yet learned to rein it in. I wasn't the deeply sophisticated, subtle woman of mystery brewing before you. Oh my … Continue reading With better legs
I forgot to mention to you that the day Steely Dan was clearly hurt, with the growling when he walked and his big eyes and so on? I called the vet right away, like at 7:30 in the morning, and they said, "Can you have him here by 8:00?" So I took the world's fastest … Continue reading Hair-ried
I ended up getting invited to two things last night, because apparently Tuesday is the hot night now or something, and the point is that over the course of the evening, I had a glass of Prosecco and then two glasses of chardonnay, because I'm a girl. Then at my now-usual wakeup time of 4 … Continue reading The stitch has been fixed. The eagle has landed.
I realize the best part of life is the thinner slice, and it don't count for much. https://youtu.be/1bG_zk6FwU0 What is wrong with me? I realize I was supposed to write you Sunday for two--yes, TWO!!--special June weekend posts, but on Sunday I got into a weird cleaning frenzy and never did it. The good news … Continue reading June goes off the grid
Were you worried I'd slip and forget the banana story? Did you think I'd peel out of work Friday and forget you? That I'd split and forget about the banana? What a fruity idea. June's readers. Finding June unapPEELing since 2018. As you know, from your Enormous Banana of June Events, my ridik coworker Camilo--whom … Continue reading June Doles Out the Special Banana Post
I'm writing you on Sunday night because I have to call the IRS in the morning to figure out if I owe money or I'm getting money back, a thing TurboTax can't seem to tell me, which makes my ass ache mightily. Yes, June, that's a shame. So, what'd you do this weekend? Well, mostly … Continue reading June’s delusional world
It snowed. If you've read me for awhile, you'll know that (a), that means work was called off, although we are expected to "work from home," and I remember a really bad storm two years ago where I proofread a giant deck--giant--and just as I was finishing it, Iris stepped on my laptop and erased … Continue reading June the snowflake
On the first day of 2011, Ned got out of bed, walked into a wall and broke his toe. And hey, June, this bodes well. A mention of Ned in the first sentence of your first post of the new year. Yeah, good moving on. Anyway, he did, and he told himself, "Well, that's a … Continue reading Mrs. Garrett was probably younger than me
I hate to burst in and destroy your 2018, like Godzilla stomping through your city, but I have a cold. My throat hurts, I'm all achy, my ears have that thing where they itch way on the inside and you can't scratch them cause it's really your brain that itches or whatever. You'd think my … Continue reading Sufferin’ Juneotash
Welp. Christmas. We got through it, and now my throat hurts, so the one holiday I can kind of get behind, New Year's, will be rooooooooned. Do you know people who pronounce ruined like that? "Rooooooned." I think Marvin did. The memory is starting to escape me, like Kate Winslet and Jim Carey on the … Continue reading Oh, did sleigh bells ring? I had my ringer off.
Hey, June, why so destined for hell? So Christmastime is here, as the Peanuts would say high-pitchedly, and here's what I've done thus far... Yesterday, I got this urge to clean the house. I don't know why. Maybe I'm pregnant and nesting or something miraculous like that. Maybe I'm about to give birth in a … Continue reading Because Prosecco
I woke up at 2:53 a.m. today, with a migraine. I attribute this to having gotten up at 5:30 yesterday, to go to damn Purrrrre Barrrrre, and one wonders why I think I need to work out when I already look Like This. Anyway, my sleep pattern was messed up, which is a migraine trigger, … Continue reading Astro surf and turfing
In a stunning display of self-centeredness, and in preparation for my move to another computer, I looked through the webcam photos I have here and came to the conclusion that my six years with ("with") Ned have aged me. Above, I had talked to Ned online, but not dated him yet. On my way to … Continue reading June ages, like a fine wine. Or a bottle of ripple you leave out too long.
I wish more things could hurt on my body today. Stupid Pure Barre. Also? It turns out? When you get up at 5:20 and you're used to around, oh, 7:00-ish, you feel really tired all day. Just a little news flash for ye. "Ye." Because suddenly I'm in biblical times. Anyway, Bathsheba, before I forget … Continue reading When Grape-Up Becomes a Thing
A good part about how they've put me on multiple accounts at work is that I've gotten to know more coworkers who aren't Griff. Also, I've gotten to know people I've worked with all these years, but rarely talked to because we weren't on the same account. It can get (ready?) siloed at work. One … Continue reading Drivin’ all the old men crazy.
It's Monday at lunch, and I tried to write you all this morning, but stuff kept happening and I never got around to it. But here I am! The one that you love! Asking for another dayyyyy. In case you were gone this weekend, or trying heroin or the FedEx delivery man, I wrote about … Continue reading Noon June
In August of 2007, my then-spouse, Marvin, and I moved from Los Angeles to Wadesboro, North Carolina. We went from a population of 3 million to a population of 3,000. It didn't occur to me that this might take some adjustment. But this is what I DO in life. I plow through it, never thinking … Continue reading TinyTown, revisited