"Leaves no oily residue," my eye-makeup remover reads. I just read that this morning while I was washing off the oily residue from my eye-makeup remover. Just tell the truth. Jesus. "Removes your makeup pretty cheaply because it's the drug store brand." You know what I really like is that Clinique eye-makeup remover, but it's … Continue reading Weathered Vain
You know those annoying posts where I put on my makeup and talk to you, because I'm tryina do everything at once? Yeah. So, if you read yesterday's post about my humiliation, you know I have TV now. Turns out, TV SUCKS, man. I haven't watched TV in, what, two years? Is that how long … Continue reading The June Channel
I've been up since 4:53 a.m. I didn't even have to slop any hogs or anything; I just woke up. I'd been sleeping with Steely Dan, because he came in last night at a weird time (as in, at all. He usually leaves at sundown and never returns till dawn), and I wasn't thinking, and … Continue reading Sleeping on top of the peacock
[Flumps coat and purse in first, slides into booth after.] Have you been here long? Sometimes, on Mondays, when I haven't written all weekend, I sit down here at my desk and think, What the fuck did I just do for the last 72 hours? Today is one of those days. Then what I'll do … Continue reading The Weeknd (God, is June hip)
When we left each other yesterday, slamming the door and saying, "IT'S OVER! I MEAN IT THIS TIME!", I was going to try to come back here and write you at lunch. That didn't happen. Work. Tis busy. So here's a two-day update on everything that's happening in my stupid world. I wish to tell … Continue reading In which aspic is mentioned
"I'm just calling to let you know the Russell Stover eggs are available," I said to my mother, although in truth it was more: "Uh ussel oer eggs are aaailul." As I was, of course, already eating mine as I pulled out the Rite Aid, there. "I have four in my cupboard already," said my … Continue reading To Reader. Love Always, June
I had two plans tonight: coworkers were getting drinks at 5:00, and then other friends invited me over at 8:00-ish. Don't you hate people who add "ish" to a time? What are we, gay men in the '60s? That outfit is fab, lover. Anyway, I eschewed my right-after-work plans because I didn't work today. I … Continue reading June talks to you while she gets ready for her hot Friday night.
People at work have been talking about a new manicure procedure called SOS or S&M or whatever, and apparently it's powder they dip your nails in to color them. Somehow this creates a manicure that keeps going for two weeks like a 17-year-old boy but allegedly isn't as terrible for you as a gel manicure. … Continue reading World’s Worst Person Gets Her Nails Done
On the first day of 2011, Ned got out of bed, walked into a wall and broke his toe. And hey, June, this bodes well. A mention of Ned in the first sentence of your first post of the new year. Yeah, good moving on. Anyway, he did, and he told himself, "Well, that's a … Continue reading Mrs. Garrett was probably younger than me
It will be 11 years Friday that I've done this dang...website. Other than June's Live Sex Tape, I've pretty much done it all on this thing. [Considers June's Live Sex Tape.] [Step one: Get sex life.] When we left each other yesterday, dabbing at our eyes the annoying way the Real Housewives do: dab, dab … Continue reading June does her makeup and talks to you. Yes, again.
I blogged yesterday, and included my end-of-the-year video along with a few photos of gifts I've gotten recently that I don't know who sent. So scroll down when you're done here for MORE RIVETING JUNE. Also, yesterday I bought makeup. I KNOW!! I have always been a makeup person. My grandmother had a vanity covered … Continue reading Brought to you by Hudson’s cosmetic counter
Back when I first became a blogging person, in eighteen aught six, someone told me about another funny blogger named Miss Doxie. What I just did, there, was call myself "funny" again, and that's twice in a row, now. But I've only called myself funny twice since eighteen aught six, so that's saying something. The … Continue reading Kahlo of the wild. Or Fridatlanta. What do you want from me. I’m hung over.
Amazon is being a dick. They sent me this long email that said nothing, about how I need to have "qualified sales" and that I don't, and I don't know what "qualified" could mean, seeing as you guys buy a lotta stuff. (Say, thanks!) I wrote back, and they answered with another vague email ("Once … Continue reading Qualified June
For the next week, I will be proofreading a textbook when I'm not at my regularly scheduled job. I will not be here a lot, and also if you know me in real life, I will not be phoning with you a lot. I'll be back when I can! I took photos of my toilette … Continue reading Freelance work is here
I be Hutch. Wear be Starskee? hahahahahaha Anyway. I hadn't had my eyebrows waxed since Wilford Brimley was a child, so I went to Elegant Nail & Tan, which I realize suggests all kinds of featured services that do not seem to include waxing, but you must trust me on this. While I was waiting, … Continue reading Joe Lies
"Oh, good. It's that time of year that June makes us look at her daily Christmas cup. And also at the makeup smudges on her desk." And her beaming-up dog. Yesterday was Tallulah's birthday, but I tried not to dwell on that lest I fall into a sobfest. It was also Steely Dan's final round … Continue reading What is a “capade,” anyway? Are there ever Land Capades?
Yesterday at work I went back to copy editing. I asked if I could do so some months ago, and they said okay, but you have to wait till we get other editors in here, so I waited, and then without further ado or fanfare, it was all, "Can you copy edit this?" and by … Continue reading Retro June
Yesterday I got my 10,000 steps in, did 35 minutes of Tracy Chapman, and then sat down to watch Real Housewives with a bag of Fritos. And this is why I hate myself. Oh, also I walked Edsel yesterday, and the people on the corner have an 8-week-old BABY GERMAN SHEPHERD PUPPY. As opposed to … Continue reading House O’ Hurr
I had this snappy plastic lid that I used to cover the other half of Steely Dan's canned food, as he eats half a can at a time. Correction: he WOLFS half a can at a time. There's no trouble with SD's appetite. He is not a finicky eater. And every time he devours another … Continue reading Today I can’t think of a title. Post-migraine fog.
Lemme tell you how Ned has ruined me. In case you wondered, "Gee. How has Ned ruined June?" Today I was in the shower, and please try not to get too distracted by the hotness. Do you know she was 48 when she did this scene? That's Angie Dickenson, for anyone reading this who's 19. … Continue reading June gets on her soapbox