Would you like to know what annoys me? First of all, gird your loins: Something annoys me. "I heard a noise at 3 a.m. in the morning!"
What do you think a.m. stands for, dillweed? It means THE MORNING. Why would we SAY "a.m." if it was just, you know, a meaningless couple of letters? Oh my god. 3 a.m. in the morning. CUT IT OUT.
I should stay off Facebook.
Please RSVP! That's another one that bugs. WHAT DO YOU THINK RSVP STANDS FOR? It stands for please respond. Please RSVP. Goddammit.
Speaking of RSVPing, I think Ima cancel my Super Bowl party, as much as I love sports. I'm just so sad about the dog, you know? I don't feel like doing stuff. Plus also, I got that new statistics textbook in the mail. I know you will be stunned to hear that just like last time, the package came and I carefully placed it on a chair, two days ago, where it remains unopened. It mocked me all through Real Housewives and The Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce the other night, and it mocked me again last night when I had absolutely nothing better to do than start proofreading a statistics textbook.
How much are you looking forward to June's next installment of, "OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO FINISH THAT STATISTICS TEXTBOOK"?
What sorts of things do you never learn? Do you love the same type of person over and over again? I read this book the therapist recommended (Keeping the Love You Have) about relationships and so on, and I had to write down I think it was three to five major love relationships I've had, which try to winnow down THAT list. I ended up with Giovanni Leftwich from my teens and 20s, Marvin, this guy named Michael from my late 20s and finally Ned. Then I had to list all their good and bad characteristics and do sort of a Venn diagram of what they all had in common.
Smart, funny, immature. Say, have you met my father?
So, yay. Now I know that. Now what? This time Ima go for a stoic British banker? Not so much. A no-nonsense lesbian? June becomes an Indigo Girl.
Maybe I didn't use Michael in that list, now that I think about it. Maybe I listed the guy who got married 10 minutes after we broke up. Say, you know what he was? Smart, funny, immature.
Smart/funny/immature are the gray cats of my love life.
I was going to show you all the nice stuff TinaDoris gave me, but when I looked at my photos I found this and giggled. Here's Austin at lunch yesterday, eating with all the put-up chairs. I hate to sound First World, but would it KILL the cleaning people to put those back down? And the trash. They empty the trash and leave the trash can out so you bang into it in the morning. Don't even get me started on how tight they pack the paper towels in the dispenser, so you get one ripped one or 47 whole ones when you pull them out.
Anyway, when I returned from my OWN lunch–which did not involve uppy chairs but rather following my dog around the yard like I was Jane Goodall–I found this bag. By the way, I'm now keeping a Lu pee diary on my phone, per the vet's request. Every day I write a pee ditty about my dog.
Anyway this bag was on my desk.
TinaDoris got me a nice card, and photos of her dog Penny with Lu. Where did she find time to do all this? She has a baby and a job and so on. People are nicer than me.
She got treats for Lu, which, Dear TinaDoris: Lu got the big eyes. You know how they have a particularly good treat and they get the big eyes? I also gave one to poor Edsel.
I got a present, too. Did I mention I went to my coworker Alex's wedding in May and still can't be bothered to get online and get her a gift? People are nicer than me.
It was coconut. It had coconut filling. Oh my god. Delish.
Thank you, TinaDoris. Really, does she have cute boxes and labels on hand? All of that would have taken me a year to pull off. Step one, get a gift bag.
I'd better go. I've been trying to not look like a sad hag at work. I've been trying to not look like a sad hag at work since September. Just like my cousin, who had the terrible thing happen in her life but who decided to shower and put on makeup every day, I have worn makeup to work ever since Ned and I broke up. I have persevered. I am practically Rocky Balboa.
Rocky Balboa probably ate a lot of coconut cupcakes.
Talk to you tomorrow morning in the a.m.