What day is this? Thursday? Yeah. I think it's Thursday. Is this week taking forever, or is it just me? I get good light in my little millhouse, which houses Milhous. At my old house, I could never really see the sunrise or sunset, not to sound too Fiddler on the Roof about it. But … Continue reading Pat Nixon is my spirit animal
I watch a lot of YouTube videos because any time I don't know how to do something around the house, I just YouTube it. Once I watched a video titled, "How to take down a ceiling fan and replace it with a light," and the whole video was a guy replacing a ceiling fan with … Continue reading Portret van June Gardens
Oooo, man, I did NOT feel well yesterday. They warn you of this when you do the damn keto diet, that you might get what they call the keto flu. It's when your body is switching over. For some reason your body gets annoyed. I had a bad headache, I was exhausted, and most important: … Continue reading Keto, day four. Am I thin yet?
When we left each other yesterday, slamming the door and saying, "IT'S OVER! I MEAN IT THIS TIME!", I was going to try to come back here and write you at lunch. That didn't happen. Work. Tis busy. So here's a two-day update on everything that's happening in my stupid world. I wish to tell … Continue reading In which aspic is mentioned
"I'm just calling to let you know the Russell Stover eggs are available," I said to my mother, although in truth it was more: "Uh ussel oer eggs are aaailul." As I was, of course, already eating mine as I pulled out the Rite Aid, there. "I have four in my cupboard already," said my … Continue reading To Reader. Love Always, June
Hang on. I gotta strap on Laila Ali first... Say, June, weren't you drying your hair LAST time we talked? Yes. Yes, I was. Hygiene. It's repetitive. Anyway, we haven't talked since Friday and we have a lot of topics to cover, so I thought today I'd use subheads, so you don't end up with … Continue reading Disjointed
Does anyone recall, in your giant calendar of June events, back in September when I'd lost 10 pounds? Do you remember that? I went to the local Pride parade, and I was gonna carry a sign of my own that read, "Lost 10 pounds." Do you remember that? October 1 was when I had the … Continue reading Chubby stick
What are we on? Like, day 193 of this cold? That's my estimate. Yesterday at work, I minced over to one of the seven people who are actually working this week, and announced, "I have a cold." I may've even brought m'Kleenex box over, for dramatic effect. Which should be the title of my book: … Continue reading For Dramatic Effect
I hate to burst in and destroy your 2018, like Godzilla stomping through your city, but I have a cold. My throat hurts, I'm all achy, my ears have that thing where they itch way on the inside and you can't scratch them cause it's really your brain that itches or whatever. You'd think my … Continue reading Sufferin’ Juneotash
Careful readers will note that yesterday I had a mammogram. Or, really, slovenly readers will too, seeing as I just said it yesterday, there, genius. I tried a new place this year because allegedly--according to their ads--they have same-day mammogram results, but of course only after I'd transferred my files, my D Files, did I … Continue reading World’s Dramatic-ist Day
Well, here it is. The day of my mammogram, which careful readers will note is one of my very very favorite days. I've talked a lot about careful readers lately. You know what else you are? Annoyed readers. Back in aught eight, when I was already 43 and shoulda been havin' mammograms for three years, … Continue reading Smashed
I just took my last prednisone that I was prescribed in order to try to break up my current cycle of migraines, and what's more interesting than hearing about someone's latest round of meds? Anyway, maybe a month ago, the doctor also put me back on Topamax for migraine, June says, continuing her riveting diatribe … Continue reading Be happy
In the famous words of Jackie Kennedy, I had my colonoscopy. See. She didn't say those words. Cause as I pointed out on Facebook the other day, I doubt that when Jackie Kennedy showed up at HER editing job that she announced her upcoming colonoscopy. As possibly I did. To everyone. I'd have put it … Continue reading Aw, crap.
I can't really go into my headache study all that much, because of confidentiality and so on. But--and please don't ask for more clarification, I can FEEL you all asking for more clarification--at the beginning of the study, I had to do a pain-threshold series of tests. Yes, they inflicted pain on me. "How much, … Continue reading Pain Bryant
Dear Faithful Reader Paula: You know that feeling you get when you wake up during the workweek, all on your own without the aid of your alarm, and you feel rested and you know OH FUCK, something is very wrong? That was me half an hour ago, the alarm mysteriously set for 8:00. EIGHT. Why … Continue reading Pierce and Honeycutt
In a lifetime of ridiculous days, yesterday was among the ridiculousest. Oh, did I have a migraine. Good gravy. Woke up with it, which is the worst; often there's nothing you can do about those because they've been raging for awhile and drugs won't work. Not that I didn't try drugs, but guess what. I … Continue reading Howard’s Head
Yesterday I got a new doctor. If you consult your Big Book of June Events, you'll recall that I have some...trouble with keeping medical professionals. Doctors are my Spinal Tap drummer. I was a normal person with one regular doctor when I was a kid. Mine was Dr. Heavenrich, and I'm telling you right now … Continue reading Doctor Who?
Perhaps you're wondering, "Did our dear friend June expire? Is she on the other side of the grass? Feeling the silk?" It always kills me when I say that and someone out there doesn't get it. You're dead. In the coffin. The silk-lined--oh, forget it. Anyway, it's my head--it's been giving me trouble. Am on … Continue reading Pom wonderful
I have a ding-dang aura. If you are not a migraine person, and aura is this zigzag pattern in your field of vision, rendering you pretty much blind. It will go away after a while, but I literally can't see the screen to type you. I'm speaking into my phone. Also, Lily is in my … Continue reading Aura. And not one of mystery.
I took the day off yesterday to work on my freelance work, and then I never worked on my freelance work. Welcome to me. Welcome to the splendor of me. The first thing I did was get together for coffee with Lilly of Chris and Lilly, and I like how she has to be half … Continue reading June Gardens’ Day Off