I didn't MEAN to steal breakfast, but I did. We had a thing at work where, if you brought in cans of food for the less fortunate, you got a free breakfast that they'd ordered in from somewhere. But, see, we had all these snow days and I literally didn't leave my house for four … Continue reading Mrs. June Butterworth takes her own sweet time
As you know, from your now-oversized Book of June Events, my washer has been broken and I just went on a trip. So selecting clothing for the workplace has been my own challenge. I have an inspirational poster about challenges above my increasingly empty closet. But yesterday, as I listlessly perused my offerings, I found … Continue reading The good, the bad…
I don't like to travel. I realize everyone else does, and that my not liking to travel is part of the list of things I hate that everyone else treasures: Christmas, brunch, live music, romantic evenings, granite countertops. If you want me to have sex with you--and I realize I'm 52 and no one wants … Continue reading June flies to Chicago, gets manicure, flies home.
Ned--and right there's my problem: Ned. Ned has been out of town a lot lately, with work and family things. "I thought of asking if Nancy could stay with you, but I realize you're at cat capacity," he said, and why he thinks 11 cats counts as "capacity" is beyond me. Vagabond Ned was going … Continue reading Special Sunday Humiliation Edition
Does anyone recall, in your giant calendar of June events, back in September when I'd lost 10 pounds? Do you remember that? I went to the local Pride parade, and I was gonna carry a sign of my own that read, "Lost 10 pounds." Do you remember that? October 1 was when I had the … Continue reading Chubby stick
People at work have been talking about a new manicure procedure called SOS or S&M or whatever, and apparently it's powder they dip your nails in to color them. Somehow this creates a manicure that keeps going for two weeks like a 17-year-old boy but allegedly isn't as terrible for you as a gel manicure. … Continue reading World’s Worst Person Gets Her Nails Done
I just logged onto Facebook for literally one minute, saw I had SEVENTEEN PERSONAL MESSAGES ON MESSENGER and deactivated again. I keep saying this, and I'll say it again. PLEASE don't message me there. A crazy person left me some messages there in October and November, and they really bothered me. Please don't give me … Continue reading Just a reminder
If I spent as much time trying to cure world hunger as I did looking for tweezers, we'd all be trying to lose a few. The whole world. A worldwide, literal Whole 30. Jesus. And reading glasses. I'll go into a room, and all that will be lying around will be real glasses. I don't … Continue reading Gettin’ above my richer raisin
I have a new thing that bugs me: Women using that video-making feature where their eyes are huge, and their lips are gigantic, and their voices are distorted. Perhaps you're hilarious, person making a video while sitting in a car, which, woooo! How could you NOT be, with that original venue? But I see that … Continue reading LDV
I know you were waiting all night for Installment Two of June Goes to Medical Appointments, and I understand your excitement and anticipation. But something bigger happened yesterday. Bigger, June? Bigger than an eye exam? Not that my eye exam wasn't without incident. I pissed off the front desk by not remembering I had a … Continue reading Rearing to go
You know what I don't like? Yes, June. In fact, I have a comprehensive list. It's really more of a scroll at this point. No, there's a new one. Sigh. [turns scroll sideways to write in the margin] Packet oatmeal that makes you work for it. You're buying DRY OATMEAL in a foil PACKET. Clearly … Continue reading Sowing my wildly expensive oats
I'm at the bookstore. I'm in the window. I'm speaking like I'm Dick and Jane. Oh, see. See June work. See June work on her fucking freelance. I'm sitting in the window of the bookstore again. Also in this window is sort of a hipster man, approximately my age, I think, but then again I … Continue reading See June kvetch
Yesterday, I wrote about some, oh, personal stuff, and then I felt bad about it being so public, so I deleted this post and pasted it to (Face)Book of June, a secret page on Facebook. For awhile, (Face)Book of June was just a closed group, meaning no one could wander over there and see all … Continue reading June picks a bad day to stop sniffing glue
I just took my last prednisone that I was prescribed in order to try to break up my current cycle of migraines, and what's more interesting than hearing about someone's latest round of meds? Anyway, maybe a month ago, the doctor also put me back on Topamax for migraine, June says, continuing her riveting diatribe … Continue reading Be happy
I know you wish I'd refer to this more often, but oh my god, I'm Ashley Wilkes right now, returning from war. I've limped in, all tattered and worn out and possibly lousy. At least I don't have that anemic Melanie hanging on me. There's that. Do you think when Ashley was off at war … Continue reading June has danced into the danger zone, when the dancer becomes the dance.
I had a very bad day at work yesterday, and now my spirit is crushed and I am Our Lady of Doom. I kind of feel like in every walk of my life, I'm auditioning for indifferent producers. You know how you watch a show where someone goes to an audition, and he or she … Continue reading Auditioning for an indifferent audience
Last night, my aunt sent me a private message on Facebook. Y'all know how I love IMs. But my Aunt Kathy is one of my very favorite people, so I opened it. It was a cartoon, a political cartoon, favoring, you know, my side. When she sent it, I was trying to herd the cats … Continue reading When social media gets a little too social
Look at the sun, up there. Soooooo smug. Oh, Ima shine on you all day. Like I always do. HAH! We, the audience, know better. Anyway hi. I'm not at work, and I was luxuriating in bed, thinking how lovely it was to, you know, luxuriate in the bed, when I remembered you guys saying, … Continue reading Turn around, bright eyes
Today my BMI fell back into the normal range. BOOM. Okay, it was because I adjusted the scale. BUT STILL. The scale I owned before, you'd stand on it and it'd read 115 pounds (HAHAHAHAHA) and then you'd step off it, give it a second then get back on, and it'd read 127 pounds (HAHAHAHAHAHA). … Continue reading Back When I Was Fat. *A nostalgic look at day before yesterday.
My problem is, I shouldn't go to PetSmart on weekends. Yeah, that's my problem. That's it. You've nailed it, June. But my regularly scheduled pets were running low on food. Well. SOME of them were, and that's why I haven't restarted my Chewy subscription yet, because I always feel like, Well, Edsel's got a TON … Continue reading June gets a puppy. Wow, we’ve never said THAT.