I didn't MEAN to steal breakfast, but I did. We had a thing at work where, if you brought in cans of food for the less fortunate, you got a free breakfast that they'd ordered in from somewhere. But, see, we had all these snow days and I literally didn't leave my house for four … Continue reading Mrs. June Butterworth takes her own sweet time
When we last left each other, flush from our reunion, I told you that Steely Dan was injured and I'd taken him to the vet. It turns out, it wasn't a cat fight. It was a rock lobster. No. It was a fence or maybe a tree. They think he got caught in a fence. … Continue reading Don’t fence me in
I am sorry to make Faithful Reader Paula tense, but I don't have much time today. We have a first-thing meeting at work today re our annual evaluations. Our choices were a lunchtime meeting (no, not with free food. We'd have stampeded to that) or a first-thing-in-the-morning shindig. I opted for first thing. You know … Continue reading NedTalks
We have many items to cover today, so let's get right to business [straightenss her papers the way Walter Cronkite did]. Just so I don't go all over the place, as I'm wont to do, Ima tell you right now I wish to address the asshole on a dating site, my cool new manicurist, and … Continue reading The Oddly Psychic Señor Kittens
Oddly, I remember what I was doing a year ago today. I mean, as someone who writes what's going on in her life every day--now without weekends!--I guess it's not that shocking. But believe it or not, I don't look at my blog every day and read what I wrote in past years. I also … Continue reading The many pants of June
Let's say you just got here, which continues to be absurd every time I say that. Blogging is over and no one's just gotten here since 2011. But maybe you're on your Rumspringa or something. The English welcome you. And here, Amish person on a break, is my story. The story of an old English. … Continue reading The story of an Old English
Saturday was, like, perfect. Except there was no sex. But what're you gonna do? I'm old. Those days are over. Now I'm depressed. Fuck Saturday. So to speak. Anyway, when I woke up, it was warm-ish out. Like, in-the-'50s warmish. Which was lovely, considering I had been living inside a snow globe for the past … Continue reading The Perfect Day
Does anyone recall, in your giant calendar of June events, back in September when I'd lost 10 pounds? Do you remember that? I went to the local Pride parade, and I was gonna carry a sign of my own that read, "Lost 10 pounds." Do you remember that? October 1 was when I had the … Continue reading Chubby stick
You know what MY problem is (everyone gets out their Giant Scroll of What's Wrong With June), is that moderation is stupid. I mean, it would appear that I think moderation is stupid. Signs POINT to me thinking moderation is stupid. Except when it comes to exercise. The woman who sits next to me--and I'm … Continue reading In the stars
Last night, I went to bed at 10 to 8:00. That's the nice thing about migraine--you get your rest. I am in a streak, a migraine streak, since before I left for Michigan. I've had a damn migraine every day since Sunday. Welcome back to Greensboro! So, last night, I trudged home gingerly, as opposed … Continue reading June reviews her Christmas dates, and she’s plum tired. BAH.
I have a new thing that bugs me: Women using that video-making feature where their eyes are huge, and their lips are gigantic, and their voices are distorted. Perhaps you're hilarious, person making a video while sitting in a car, which, woooo! How could you NOT be, with that original venue? But I see that … Continue reading LDV
My weekday mornings do not vary much: The alarm goes off and I resent it, Edsel and I open the door to 800 cats lining the halls expectantly. I trip over at least one of those solid assholes every single day. Hey. Cats are more solid than you'd think, when you're kicking one down the … Continue reading Cutlery roasting on an open fire
I know you were waiting all night for Installment Two of June Goes to Medical Appointments, and I understand your excitement and anticipation. But something bigger happened yesterday. Bigger, June? Bigger than an eye exam? Not that my eye exam wasn't without incident. I pissed off the front desk by not remembering I had a … Continue reading Rearing to go
A delight this time of year is discovering HOW MANY DAMN CLOCKS you own. You think you set them all back, only to enter a room and say, "Oh my god! It's 8:30??!!" Yeah, no it isn't. You forgot this one. Now how the fuck do you work THIS one, goddammit? I gotta make my house … Continue reading If we’re gonna turn back time, can we turn it back to when I was cute?
I'm trying very hard to not talk about my 404 Error, because my hope is that I can just, oh, continue on with my life, and if I make him the topic of my posts, he's still in my life, a bit. So I'm trying to write about other things even though I really just … Continue reading Ruins
It's raining today; at the most, it's going to be 64 degrees. They also call that "the high." Am become familiar with language of peeple. Anyway, after Edsel's a.m. constitutional, and by "constitutional" I mean he peed, he stampeded back inside, as he does. "Edsel, wait," I said, and he screeched to a halt. That's … Continue reading Because we need more oompah bands.
I'm at the bookstore. I'm in the window. I'm speaking like I'm Dick and Jane. Oh, see. See June work. See June work on her fucking freelance. I'm sitting in the window of the bookstore again. Also in this window is sort of a hipster man, approximately my age, I think, but then again I … Continue reading See June kvetch
I stood in my backyard just now and watched several leaves fall from the branches of my tree and sway all the way to the ground. It was so pretty that I got the phone so I could show you, but of course once I got the damn phone, the leaves stayed tight. weee not … Continue reading My 404 Not Found Error
Under last night's waxing gibbous, I found myself at the Full Moon Oyster Bar, in the company of a man. A gentleman caller. A swain. It was not our first date. I kind of hope it will not be our last. Also, I did not eat any oysters. You know, I used to. Back in … Continue reading Certain the neighbors enjoy me blasting Tom Petty at 7:53 a.m.
Dear June: Tell us about your weekend. We await, riveted. Signed, No one. FRIDAY We had our work picnic Thursday afternoon, which I realize is not Friday, and I just gave this section a "Friday" subhead and WHAT THE HELL with this blog. The point is, I'm this weird combination of an extroverted introvert, where … Continue reading Goodbye, Beige Earl