I woke up at 3:30 this morning, thirsty as all get-out. Not for attention, but thanks for that funny funny joke. For water. And if you can’t find anything to be grateful about today, be thankful you can roll out of bed with relative ease and make your way to the nearest water source. Oh …
“How do you like your eggs?” “Over.” Get it? Do you? I got a million of ’em. You know what I haven’t got a million of? Ovaries. In case you just got here, or maybe you forgot because I tried not to mention it often, on Tuesday, CU Next Tuesday, I had an operation. Sometimes …
Do you ever get disproportionately mad about something? Today, I was trying to put on my contacts. Do you wear contacts? I wear dailies, meaning each day I put in a new pair and each night I throw them out. It’s supposed to be the sanitariest method and as you know I’m quite a neatnik. …
Ooo, wait. I think I got paid last night. Hang on… …Aw, HELL, yeah. Last night I was the Little Match Girl. This morning I’m a rapper in the club, throwing bills on the asses of strippers. Let me get my pimp cup. Do you like how all my versions of big spending are from …
As you know, since I’ve spoken of little else and at this point you want me to go down like Kanye’s mom, I am having surgery next week. They sent me a strongly worded pre-op letter with all caps like your grandma’s Facebook posts… …telling me to not take aspirin for two weeks prior (sent …
In case you just got here, I used to be married. I met Marvin on my first day of my second year at Michigan State, which is weird because we’d lived in the same building the entire first year and we’d never met. It wasn’t technically the same dorm—he was on the other side of …
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away—which isn’t it all true—but also my computer told me I had yet another ding-dongle update to make. So I made it, because I am a rule-follower. It turns out it was one of those major King Kamehameha take-forever updates and I could never write you. Now it’s …
My OBGYM–oh, my god. OBGYM. What is wrong with me? The OBGYM is where you go to lift vagina weights. My vagina waits for no one. My OBGYN called yesterday. They have a date for my surgery, in which not only will my lemon-sized ovarian cyst be leaving the building, so will my ovaries in …
I loved everyone’s family stories from the other day. I took yesterday off from writing just so everyone would have a chance to read and tell them all without distraction. And we did, indeed, get more yesterday. I’ve hurt my index finger and had to put one of my cowgirl band-aids on it, so now …
Sometimes I waste the precious hours of life on Facebook. And when I’m there, I speak with those of you who waste the precious hours of life reading this blog. Together, we came up with a blog idea we’re going to iterate today. Am I using “iterate” correctly? Family stories. Like, in my family, there …
I just watched the cat jump clean over the top of the dog. The cow jumped over the moon. It was amazing and no one saw it but me, just like that time I was driving home from college and saw the Northern Lights. Milhous does think Edsel hung the moon. I saw Mil standing …
Did you ever see that one time Joe Namath was drunk on TV and that reporter was trying to interview him and she was pretty and all, so Joe Namath kept leaning into her space and said, “I just want to kiss you” and I think he got in trouble but really how much trouble …
I still don’t have the results of my biopsy yet, and it’s been all I can do to not think about it, so what I’m enjoying are the near-constant “Any news?” queries. That’s helping. Yep. Fortunately, there was a lot of work to do at work yesterday and also I had a hair appointment right …
I had my biopsy yesterday. Let’s review my stupid health in case anyone missed my last poignant post on it. [Cue dramatic music.] Okay. First, in late October, I started feeling like I have to pee all the time. I went to my regular doctor twice and the urgent care once, all to be told, …
My new Stitch Fix box came on Friday, and I was prone on the couch with a cold. I didn’t even feel well enough to look in it till Saturday, and then Sunday I forced self to shower and pose in all the clothes for you. I tell you this to offer the disclaimer that …
My young, beautiful neighbor died last night. It’s so awful. I’ve never mentioned her to you specifically–she lived across the street. Do you remember the neighbors who saved that hurt squirrel and named it Nutterbutter Bob? She lived in that house. She was the girlfriend of one of the young sons who lives in the …
Occasionally, in the morning, after that initial very important trip outside to pee, Edsel likes to go out a second time, after breakfast, to take a leisurely sniff of the perimeter. He trots all around, snouting the things, to inform himself of what happened while he was sleeping. I figure what happens is nothing, but …
I’m am half-asleep writing this. You know that feeling you get when sometimes you just aren’t really able to wake up? And I don’t know why. I went to bed at my normal time. But I had a three-day weekend and maybe my body was all, Heyyyy. We never have to work again. We’re gonna …
If you have an Apple computer, you know how annoying it is that they tell you your mouse battery is very low–never going on low, or low lite. It’s always a dramatic “very low.” The way to CHARGE your mouse now is you know that cord that you plug into the back of your computer …
I went to the doctor yesterday for my ovarian cyst. Naturally, I was nervous AF, and when I told her all my woes, she got a concerned look that made me nervous AFker. “I think we should do an ultrasound,” she said, which I was expecting all along and kind of thought would be a …
