When you already hate the day and it's not even 8 a.m. yet, you know it won't be good. Wednesday night, I'd listened to this get-to-sleep app that knocked me the heck out like I'd drunk a vat of heroin, then Thursday when the alarm went off I hit snooze. And hit snooze. And STOP… Continue reading June describes her Thursday. It’s bad. It’s real bad, mister.
Does it bug you how often your computer allegedly needs updates? Seriously, why do they need updating this much? Did you do such a bad job at the LAST update? New people moved in next door, did I tell you? (...This has nothing to do with computer updates. I just had the update annoyance when… Continue reading June recovers
Your Big Book of June Events will remind you that I hired a life coach recently, a life coach in London, because I have to make things difficult for myself. Remember when I got my tax refund, which I keep typing "rax refund" like I'm Astro the dog. Anyway, remember how I said I was… Continue reading Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning*
That's it. I'm moving to a country where aging women are considered beautiful and they don't have daylight savings. That alarm went off today and I was all, Oh this is bullshit. Iris thought so too. I felt her flinch in shock when that alarm blanged at us at what was REALLY 5:20. Jesus. Why… Continue reading Putting the cat in cataracts
When the mailroom guy brought up my boss's Stitch Fix box yesterday, I said, "Oh, this is so exciting! She gets her Stitch Fix, see, then all the people who read me vote on what she should keep or return!" His look was priceless. Like, everything in that entire sentence was a "?" to him.… Continue reading June’s boss is a Stitch
My whole goal today was to get everything done and start writing by 7:30 a.m., and I did it just exactly at that time. Do you feel like your whole day is just racing against the clock? Or is it more runnin' against the wind, because you're Bob Seger reading my blog? I have deadlines… Continue reading Thyme
Because I'm some sort of chaos junkie, in the past seven days I've done the following: Started some sort of hormone metabolism diet, from an ad I saw on Instagram. I know you're gonna ask me, "What diet, Joooooon?" and I don't rightly know the name. All I know is I get messages on the… Continue reading June does a lot all at once. Because June.
I'm not entirely sure that I sat down at all this weekend. But of course, I must've peed at some point, right? You have to sit down to do that. Unless you're a man. And in case anyone was up in the air on that one, I am not a man. I am also not… Continue reading Hattie McJune
Tomorrow, I have to model. Again, June? We're so sick of your modeling stories. You know, when I was very small, I modeled. I was Saginaw, Michigan's finest. My father, being a photographer and all, worked in a place that sometimes needed child models and I hope you're holding onto your hat but I was… Continue reading Minorette
Yesterday put the ridic in ridiculous, and say, June, I don't think you get how that little wordplay works. It did, though. It put the ridic in ridiculous. First of all, I have a friend passing through a crisis, and I love to say that: passing through a crisis. It's just so dramatic. So I… Continue reading June’s dramatic day. Oh, that sums it up.
Taaa-daaa. I put this on Facebook yesterday and called it "The day we all said, 'PUG?'" Also, on Facebook, some people were like, "This isn't true" and I was all, it's, you know, pretty science-y, y'all. Do you also think there weren't dinosaurs? Anyway, Pug. Yeah. I went home and spoke German to Eds, but… Continue reading Edsel’s DNA is here
What is a smell you don't like that other people really do?
I didn't watch the Oscars. I don't have TV. I called a couple people and I was all, "You watching the Oscars?" and they were all, "Yep." And then I waited pregnantly for my invitation and none was forthcoming and goddammit. Then I tried to get it on my phone. ABC, not friends. But get… Continue reading Theme from White Castle
Last summer, we had a food truck at work. We have them a couple times a month when it's warmer, and people from our whole building frequent said food truck, not just my offce. (Also, as an aside, some days I'll get something from the truck and return to my desk with a Styrofoam container… Continue reading How to stop hating people
Yesterday, my pal Wedding Alex and I headed ... north? West? We headed in some direction to the mountains, as the Vanderbilts, personal friends of ours, bilt a mansion in the 1800s, and do you see what I did there? I gotta stop hanging around young women. Thelma Ritter and Louise, here. Wedding Alex was… Continue reading Bilt
I have today off! Because Wednesday is the traditional day to take one vacation day. A faithful reader sent me two passes to the Biltmore, a mansion in the mountains that the Vanderbilts used to live in. I wonder if they still own it. Like, can Anderson Cooper be all, "Everybody out. I want this… Continue reading June Gardens’ Day Off
Would you like to know what annoys me (vol. XI4a)? When famous, spectacularly beautiful women get asked, "What's the secret to your beauty?" and they say, "It comes from within" or "It comes from being surrounded by love." Oh, go fuck yourself. Everyone on earth adores me and I still look like an almond with… Continue reading Good-boned nincompoop
I've been waiting till payday, which was, mercifully, on Friday. I had a list of things I've been waiting to get, which included: Shampoo and deep conditioner for 2C/3A, low-porosity hair.Face serum that Hot & Flashy recommends. Yes, I AM obsessed with Hot & Flashy, and who wouldn't be? Look at her! Good gravy; she's… Continue reading June & Flashy
I got a message from the place that's doing Edsel's DNA. They're typing with someone named Geno or something, which, I guess I'm glad to get updated but just GIVE ME THE RESULTS. GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT. Do my movie references bug you? Anyway, it was Valentine's Day yesterday. FYI. I see that something… Continue reading Fun. Dip.