The house began to pitch. And I’m a bitch.

"Marvin's getting married this weekend," I told Ned, "I feel nothing." "See? That, right there. That scares the SHIT outta me. What if one day, after all this, you feel nothing for me?" I knew Ned was pointing at me dramatically, even though we were on the phone. He's in Kansas. Kansas, he says, is … Continue reading The house began to pitch. And I’m a bitch.

June’s going to kiss you. She won’t even wait.

I'm trying to think of anything of note that happened to me this weekend after The Hair Incident of Saturday, but mostly I had migraines on and off. TAAA-DAAAA! Thanks, June. Thank god I'm here today. Took time out to visit yer ass. Yesterday was finally a nice day, after 46 days and nights of … Continue reading June’s going to kiss you. She won’t even wait.

June has dinner with her ex-husband, who had a raging temper and was a philanderer. Alternatively, it just didn’t work out.

You'll be sad to hear Marvin didn't wear plaid. I hauled my arse all the way to Chapel Hill, and who knew Chapel Hill was so cute? Turns out it's where University of North Carolina is, so it's full of the quaint shops and hot college girls. I kept trying to point them out to … Continue reading June has dinner with her ex-husband, who had a raging temper and was a philanderer. Alternatively, it just didn’t work out.

If Ned and Marvin got in a fight, who do you think would win?

Last night, I was still at work because HELLO BUSY when Ned emailed me. "I'm not going to the gym tonight; I'm coming straight home. Want to go out to dinner?" I guess he read my blog yesterday. Now I feel bad. BUT THAT DAMN GYM! I went home and there was Ned, which was … Continue reading If Ned and Marvin got in a fight, who do you think would win?

Comment drama, and dog drama too. Plus, a migraine!

Yesterday's comment section was most dramatic. I got a migraine, and did not check them all night, so when I got up this morning, I was all... Yesterday, I asked you what you wish your significant other was doing that he isn't, and we got some interesting responses, including, "I wish mine weren't dead." Which … Continue reading Comment drama, and dog drama too. Plus, a migraine!

June Recaps Her Weekend; Nation Riveted

I did a lot this weekend. See, the obvious joke would be to say something about Ned now, under the category of Things I Did. But I will not. Because dignified. I'm dignified like Rip Taylor. Anyway, I have a lot of weekend to tell you about, and Ned is right this second complaining about … Continue reading June Recaps Her Weekend; Nation Riveted

I have the feeling Ima be just as annoying in 2015.

It's the end of the year, FYI, and time for my end-of-year veedeo, and you've been around a long time if you know why I say "veedeo." So long, 2014! You weren't all bad. (Click on the white "2014 Be Done" title at the top of the video, so it'll take you to YouTube, where … Continue reading I have the feeling Ima be just as annoying in 2015.

Marvin is 48. Why does that sound young all of a sudden? Crap.

Today is Marvin's birthday. In case you just got here or something, Marvin is my ex-husband. The former little missus. I met Marvin in college, on the first weekend before sophomore year. We'd all schlepped back to school, and my roommate said, "I know a bunch of guys who've moved into what will become a … Continue reading Marvin is 48. Why does that sound young all of a sudden? Crap.

A party! A death party! (Remind me to tell you that story.)

I forgot to tell you that last week, my boss's boss went on vacation, so naturally we all blew up 84895949 balloons and filled his office with them. Mature. We all gave ourselves aneurysms blowing up that many balloons, and I truly felt I was going to faint dead away like someone wearing a corset, … Continue reading A party! A death party! (Remind me to tell you that story.)

Yogurt, furnaces, the Greeks, bawls

The yogurt I'm eating expires today, so if I begin to die, please tell that to the paramedics so they can treat me for expired-yogurt disease. Thank you. Remember when we all ate Dannon like it was a thing? Stirred the fruit up from the bottom? I never liked doing that--too much effort. When I … Continue reading Yogurt, furnaces, the Greeks, bawls

What do the crippled folk do?

It "snowed" here. dis it? even edz not impress. Edsel somehow manages to look more dignified when he's outdoors. Maybe it's because his underbite isn't as apparent, or his ears are dwarfed when you compare them to the solar system. I don't know. But can you see he has snow on his snout? There's dignity … Continue reading What do the crippled folk do?