Yesterday, I decided that I needed to get new clothes for my new job.
Well, I didn't decide that yesterday. I have known I would need new clothes because (a) you could wear whatever you wanted to my old job in LA, and I do mean anything (I'd really like to go into detail about what people wore, but I do not wish to make anyone feel bad) (but you could pretty much wear your pajamas to that job) and (12) I spent all of 2007 not spending, and all of 2008 being poor, so my work wardrobe was not what you'd call fresh.
And before my last job in LA, I freelanced for four years. So if they had told me at this job "old sweat pants are good" I'd have been all set. I spent four years looking clinically depressed. Shower? Why?
My new job is business casual, and if there was ever a phrase to strike fear into the heart of a person.
It is as vague of a term as "cocktail attire." I never knew what that meant, either. Do I dress as a Heineken bottle?
So I decided to buy 14,000 pairs of black pants and many sweater sets.
I love me a sweater set. You can wear it as a set, you can wear just the short-sleeved portion, or you can wear just the cardigan part. But I suppose you knew all that.
(Can I just interject to say that Marvin is upstairs playing the guitar and singing "You're so Vain"? Why? Is it because I'm writing about clothes? He doesn't know that I'm down here writing about clothes. Is he in love with Warren Beatty all of a sudden? Is he thinking of joining Lillith Fair next year?)
(You're so VAIN? Seriously?)
Anyway. So, yesterday I told Marvin, "I am driving on out to MONroe, to go get some work clothes. How much can I spend?" To which he replied, "I'll go with you."
Remember how I said the term "business casual" gave me hives? You wanna know what's hivier? Marvin going shopping with me. You guys, he is SO not metrosexual. He is no Mark Consuelos. He couldn't care less what I am wearing, and he doesn't have a whole lot of fashion insight. In fact, everything Marvin ever likes? Is bright green and preferably argyle. You think I am making that up to be funny, but I am dead serious. He chooses outfits worn by Kermit the Frog and Archie from the Archie comics' baby.
When we shop together, all he does is walk an eighth of an inch behind me, picking out green clothes and looking bored. I KNOW all he wants me to do is select and go. Select and go. It's relaxing, is what it is.
So, I really didn't want him to go, but I didn't want him to feel bad, kind of like the badly dressed people at my old LA job. So I said okay and girded my loins.
Now, one thing about Marvin. He is never. ever. ready to go when he says he's gonna be. He said we could go at 3:45. At 3:45, he is doing something pressing. He has an audience with the Pope later and needs to prepare.
Trust me, there is always SOMETHING that is important that he has to do right then, so that you can NEVER go. "Just give me a minute," he always says, like you are the most demanding diva on earth that you want to leave for that tracheotomy on time.
Then? Every single time? He heads to the door, and says, "Wait," and heads back into the house. Do you know how badly I want to put a hungry lion or an asp behind him so that he is forced to leave the house? The man is like a boomerang, trying to leave.
So, knowing all this, I went on New York & Company's website while he took notes for his meeting with Kruschev or whatever he was preparing for that made us miss that 3:45 deadline.
When I started my LA job a few years back, I got everything I needed right at New York & Company. Turns out? Last night they were having a big sale on career clothes. That's what they call them. Career clothes. Whatever.
I shopped that site and picked out everything I needed, and decided if I didn't see anything I liked in MONroe, I'd come back and buy that stuff.
Well, what do you think happened? There was NOTHing, NOTHing I liked in Monroe, except for a few sweaters at the Dress Barn, there.
Dress Barn is CUTE! When I lived in LA you could not have given me an evening with Jude Law to bribe me into going to Dress Barn. Well, okay, of course you could. I'd spend a day vomiting tarantulas to have an evening with Jude Law. But I am saying I have de-pretentioused a little since I moved to NC.
And for the record, Marvin did NOT shop with me. There was a Best Buy in the shopping center. Enough said. I guess he just wanted to kind of be there when I brought shopping bags to the car, to ensure I didn't come loaded with bags. I think he thought he served as a deterrent to me overspending.
Which I didn't. Cause I could not find anything except for at Dress Barn, which I already discussed. So, I came home and got back on that New York & Company site, and since they were having a sale, most of the things I wanted were already sold out.
I'll bet I think this song is about me. Don't I. Don't I.