Today I hit “off” instead of “snooze” and then did the thing where you wake up and say, “Why is it so light out,” so I have to kind of hurry. I know this makes Faithful Reader Paula nervous, but it is the truth. Paula, you can read slowly. By the time you see this, it will be over.
Yesterday the car place called me, where I bought my car. “We found a ring in your old car,” they said. “And a compact. It’s kind of a sparkly pink.”
Gee. I wonder if that’s mine.
The ring, however, baffled me. I didn’t lose a ring.
So I drove down there after work and got my bowels-of-the-old-car stuff. Look who I saw.
Oh, I felt so sad. My little yellow car. Why do we get so attached to our cars? They’re still doing whatever they do to cars before they sell them.
Anyway, the ring is a gold man’s wedding ring. Not that it belonged to a gold man, although for all I know it did. Mr. Goldman lost his ring in my car. And you know, the whole time I owned that yellow car with a yellow-gold band secretly in it, I had the original owners’ last names and address. Their paperwork was in the glove compartment and I kept it with my own. When I traded this car in, the sales guy said, “Oh just throw away all that stuff.”
“But won’t the new owner want that repair info and–”
“Naw. Just throw that away.”
So I did and now I can’t call to say, I HAVE YOUR RING.
The pink compact was totally mine. News flash!
When I got home last night, I did all my regular things (scream at a soccer match, fix a broken pipe, play my bassoon, speak in tongues) and then I noticed the back yard had approximately 70 million fireflies in it.
Here is a 24-second video in which I don’t know if you can see fireflies or not. I can, but maybe you won’t. I sure know how to make this video sound inviting.
Poor Edsel and his gingerly-sitting-down self. Anyway, there were fireflies. Trust me. And then I heard thunder in the distance. “This is all my favorite stuff,” I thought. “Fireflies, thunder, a dog.” Even a cat was there, on a shocking note.
“The only thing missing are bats and a train. All my favorites.”
And then I am not kidding you, I heard the squeak of a bat and saw one just as it flew out of my sight, and then A TRAIN RUMBLED BY. I took video of that but it’s pretty much the same as above only with a train.
But that is not why I’ve gathered you all today in your metal folding chairs. I want tips. Not, like, tips you’d give a waitress but suggestions.
I am having a little game with self. Every time I travel home, whether it’s by car or by plane, it costs me $500. By car, it’s pet care, gas, hotel. By plane, it’s pet care and the ticket. It’s always $500. I been traveling to Michigan from North Carolina since aught 7. I know by now.
Anyway, I have $500.22 saved. I get paid Friday. I have $30 on me in cash. I have enough cat and dog food till Friday, although Edsel’s cupboard is looking a little bare but it’s enough, I think.
In my fridge, I have half a loaf of bread. I have 10 eggs. I have spaghetti noodles but no sauce. I have popcorn and I have peanut butter. I have two frozen hamburger patties in freezer.
What do I buy to eat from today through Friday night with my $30? I mean, I HAVE $500. I just want to not break into it before trip. I can if I have to, but I’m just seeing if I can go not doing so.
I will not say, “Okay, go.” I will also not say, “Aaaaand, go!” People who do that should be slapped with a fork. Or a mysterious gold ring.