Right before you get to my work is a funeral home. In fact, the buildings surrounding my office are doctor's offices, an old folks' home, and this funeral parlor. Because apparently I'm writing to you on a slate, from my log cabin near my potbelly stove with my sassafras and unicycle. Funeral parlor. Old folks' … Continue reading Songs in the key of…where the hell are my keys?
Music
With her caffeine, her Ritalin, and her pearls. Of wisdom.
That's really my favorite line from a song. WHAT is, June? We aren't actually there in your head. And clearly half the time we don't read your title. https://youtu.be/ymmRnKaTEr8 "With her fog, her amphetamines, and her pearls." Love that line. Also, do you ever do this? If anyone says to me, "I hate Bob Dylan. … Continue reading With her caffeine, her Ritalin, and her pearls. Of wisdom.
WHAT.
My GERD medicine annoys me. "Take in the morning, half an hour to one hour before eating." Oh, okay. Because everyone has an entire spare hour in the morning before they eat. "So I take this BEFORE I slop the hogs and bail the hay." I was out choppin' cotton and my brother was bailin' … Continue reading WHAT.
It was the 3rd of June, another sleepy dusty Delta day. Volume XVIIIX934X
I'm only writing at you because it's our day. A few years back, when I sat next to my boss, fmr., he and I got into one of our 408-minute discussions about Things That Didn't Matter and gee, I wonder why they split us up. That day, the discussion centered on what did Billy Jo … Continue reading It was the 3rd of June, another sleepy dusty Delta day. Volume XVIIIX934X
That’s why the Juney is a tramp.
Why does Edsel have to go outside and bark bark bark? The neighbors must hate me. Can't he just enjoy outdoors? Sniff a rock and survey his domain in silence, the way Tallulah did? But no. Instead, he tears over to one of the four backyards we face (one is sort of in the corner. … Continue reading That’s why the Juney is a tramp.
Pit act-shun
Today's another Astonishing June-Hair Day. Iris can't even look at me. See what I did, there? I really need a new back door. The bottom's all rotted off, and have I mentioned how broke? What unexpected car purchase? What two trips to Michigan in one month? What vacation to the beach that I can't really … Continue reading Pit act-shun
June’s milkshake brings all the calves to the yard
"Oooo! I know!" I said to my friend. "Let's drive out to the country to that ice cream place, where you can pet cows and eat ice cream they made right there on the spot!" For me, there's a whole afternoon. There's a black-and-white cat who lives there, and I think it's so cute they … Continue reading June’s milkshake brings all the calves to the yard
[Intentionally left blank]
Coming out of the shower this morning, I realized that right now, my house smells like a perfect combination of freshly brewed coffee and puppy. What more can you ask for? Somehow that made me think of: drivin' home this evenin', coulda sworn we had it all worked out. Mostly what that woman did … Continue reading [Intentionally left blank]
It was the 3rd of June another sleepy dusty Delta day
Were you worried I'd forget it was Ode to Billie Joe day? The official holiday of Bye Bye, Pie ever since we all became obsessed with that song? Did you listen to all the things they eat for lunch? Hello, carbs. Hi hi, another piece of pie. I have to kind of hurry today, … Continue reading It was the 3rd of June another sleepy dusty Delta day
Purple robe, purple robe
I just sprayed root cover-up on my legs instead of tanning stuff. Hashtag being a natural woman is hard. Edsel doing his guillotine impresh. One day this needy animal is gonna snap his head clean off. I realized it'd been two entire years that I'd taken the cats to the vet, other than the time … Continue reading Purple robe, purple robe
Edsel gets daring
Every morning, I get up, let the dogs out (who, who, who?), make coffee and feed the pets. No matter how far back in the yard they are, the dogs hear their food hit the bowl. Dogs have good hearing, did you know that? By the time I get to the back door, they're in … Continue reading Edsel gets daring
Toot toot, heyyy, beep beep.
Yesterday at work, one of the coworkers sent an email to a bunch of us. "Anyone up for going to happy hour after work, for a bit?" I immediately screamed back an email: "GOD ,YES." An hour later, that same guy re-emailed. "So far, all I've gotten was a 'GOD, YES' from June. Anyone else?" … Continue reading Toot toot, heyyy, beep beep.
What’s the matter with the clothes I’m wearin’
I still have no WiFi at home, and I had so many more pictures to show you. I know you are the Indian with a tear right now. This is as bad as litter. Since I can't talk to you, let's do this: What was the number one song on your 15th birthday? For me, … Continue reading What’s the matter with the clothes I’m wearin’
Girls, Tramps, Butterfaces
Last night, Ned and I went to see Girls, Girls, Girls at the old theater we like. Mostly it was about how a slutty woman with dumb hair and a butterface both liked Elvis. You know what a butterface is, right? Where someone has a lovely figure, but her face! Dear Feminist Mom: Yeah, I … Continue reading Girls, Tramps, Butterfaces
Watch June apply her makeup. You won’t BELIEVE what happens next. Yeah, you will. She puts on clothes and goes to work.
Today, Ima talk to you while I do my makeup. Here I am, looking like one of those women who doesn't shave her parts, whose one iota of makeup is some tinted Burt's Bees balm. Mmmm. Vision. You know, I am in no way a natural beauty. Never have been. Thank god I'm a drag … Continue reading Watch June apply her makeup. You won’t BELIEVE what happens next. Yeah, you will. She puts on clothes and goes to work.
Bag of the enemy
Last night after work, Ned and I met for dinner at the restaurant I really like that he isn't that crazy about. I have no idea how you could not be crazy about this place, but its big draw, really, is that it has outdoor seating. It's that place we went to one night when … Continue reading Bag of the enemy
June’s Cheer Blog
Hi, everyone!!! How's everyone's day going!!?? Sure have missed you all since yesterday!! : ) God, wouldn't it be awful if I were cheerful like that? I've always been what you might call a cranky person, and I have no problem with that. I do know some cheerful people who I like. The guy who … Continue reading June’s Cheer Blog
Tipsy Gypsy Nipsey
Ned and I were out late last night; we went to see Lucinda Williams. Please remind me to tell you about the Excitable Roy who sat in front of us. He looked like my friend Roy--at first I thought it WAS my friend Roy, with his ginger hair and long beard--and you could be … Continue reading Tipsy Gypsy Nipsey
And you can tell everybody this is your song (Or, Blog reader walks into a bar)
Yesterday, I learned there's a new app you can put on your phone which will let you play whatever song you like when you walk into a bar or restaurant that has a juke box. ("I even busted the juke-a-box!" Name that movie.) What would your song be? I said Black Dog or Bizarre Love … Continue reading And you can tell everybody this is your song (Or, Blog reader walks into a bar)
Undressed By Kings
To us, it's funny and cute, and to them it's this all-consuming battle for hierarchy, where each is determined to be the victor, TO THE DEATH. Even NedKitty's BAG wants eternal dominance. NedKitty fights on. Perhaps I have too much time on my hands. Too much time on my {alarm noises}. Sadly, that Styx album … Continue reading Undressed By Kings
