“June,” “May” We Hear About Your “April” Weekend? Otherwise We’ll “March.”

I'll wait till you can stop slapping your knee over that headline. Let's see. What the hell did I do this weekend while you were here in my computer in suspended animation? Friday. On Friday afternoon, I got an Amazon delivery at work. "I need a blog," the mailroom guy always says to me, as … Continue reading “June,” “May” We Hear About Your “April” Weekend? Otherwise We’ll “March.”

June talks to you while she gets ready for her hot Friday night.

I had two plans tonight: coworkers were getting drinks at 5:00, and then other friends invited me over at 8:00-ish. Don't you hate people who add "ish" to a time? What are we, gay men in the '60s? That outfit is fab, lover. Anyway, I eschewed my right-after-work plans because I didn't work today. I … Continue reading June talks to you while she gets ready for her hot Friday night.

How to Have a Migraine: A Step-By-Step Guide

Yesterday morning, after I'd gotten up early and stressed own self over adding polls to this here not-blog (good participation, by the way!), I got an email. "Can you knock this out this morning?" I wasn't even at work yet, and already I was anxious. It's this big, several-tabbed Excel document that I copy edit … Continue reading How to Have a Migraine: A Step-By-Step Guide

June polls you. And she didn’t even buy you a drink first

Do you remember the other day--like, two days ago--when I showed you that big tower of canned kitten food I bought? There are two cans of it left. Yeesch. Four kittens: Turns out, they eat. But that, my rapt audience ("Talk about fekking kittens more, June"), is not why I've gathered you all here today, … Continue reading June polls you. And she didn’t even buy you a drink first

Just like a movie star, who gets burned in a three-way script

I've been obsessed with a game. I'm not a game person. I kind of hate games, actually, and for this, I blame my childhood. My mother used to have this game night, see, with her friends. My whole life, as far back as I can recall--and I can recall being in my crib*, so it … Continue reading Just like a movie star, who gets burned in a three-way script

Give June a doll box from 1972, and you’ve given her the world

I just heard myself tell the dog, "I just washed that floor," as he skidded in with muddy paws, and now I have officially become my mother. Then I realized that no, I actually did not wash this floor this weekend, making me officially my grandmother when the dementia set in. I did wash a … Continue reading Give June a doll box from 1972, and you’ve given her the world

Perhaps felines are mentioned briefly

Awhile back, I went to the animal shelter for fun, because I'm the only person in America who goes to the animal shelter for fun. Others play softball. At least that's what I imagine the normal folk do. They had a banner up: Fosters for Puppies and Kittens Needed. It was like the best sentence … Continue reading Perhaps felines are mentioned briefly

IRL

I feel like no one reads me anymore. I mean, "no one" is a stretch, but there are definitely fewer people around here, at least comment-wise. I know back in this not-blog's heyday, like 2011-2012-ish, I'd get hundreds of comments, and around 2,000 readers a day. But then sitemeter died, and we in the not-blogging … Continue reading IRL

What is wrong with this emu?

It was inevitable, I suppose, that during a pertinent conversation with my friend Hamlet, in which we were extolling Patty and Selma from The Simpsons, that I was struck by HOW MAGNIFICENT it would be to name cats Patty and Selma. It's these epiphanies that make me say, Well, I could just jaunt off to … Continue reading What is wrong with this emu?

Because we need more oompah bands.

It's raining today; at the most, it's going to be 64 degrees. They also call that "the high." Am become familiar with language of peeple. Anyway, after Edsel's a.m. constitutional, and by "constitutional" I mean he peed, he stampeded back inside, as he does. "Edsel, wait," I said, and he screeched to a halt. That's … Continue reading Because we need more oompah bands.

It’s a pretty good crowd for a–oh, shut up.

Right now, everyone is outside except for old Steely Dickly, here, and it occurs to me that if he were my only pet, I'd be miserable. He's never HERE. He comes in to eat, maybe sleep with one gray arm strewn across his eyes, chew a few of my beloved clothing items, then leave for … Continue reading It’s a pretty good crowd for a–oh, shut up.

Black

Yesterday, I cheated on my hairdresser and held a dying kitten. So now I have PTSD and almost-black hair. I'd had to cancel on my regularly scheduled hairdresser, because my appointment with her had been during my Two Weeks With 80 Dollars sabbatical. "Yes, I'm on sabbatical. From life. Till I hunker through these two … Continue reading Black