I'll wait till you can stop slapping your knee over that headline. Let's see. What the hell did I do this weekend while you were here in my computer in suspended animation? Friday. On Friday afternoon, I got an Amazon delivery at work. "I need a blog," the mailroom guy always says to me, as… Continue reading “June,” “May” We Hear About Your “April” Weekend? Otherwise We’ll “March.”
I had two plans tonight: coworkers were getting drinks at 5:00, and then other friends invited me over at 8:00-ish. Don't you hate people who add "ish" to a time? What are we, gay men in the '60s? That outfit is fab, lover. Anyway, I eschewed my right-after-work plans because I didn't work today. I… Continue reading June talks to you while she gets ready for her hot Friday night.
Yesterday at lunch, I came home, got my kittens, and took them back to the shelter. They were supposed to weigh two pounds apiece in order to be adoptable, and Lexi, the cute light-gray one, did. The rest weighed a little above 1.5. But you guys. They were pooping just everywhere. I tried different litters… Continue reading Hot buff puppy men
Dear Women Who Prattle at Movies: What the hell is wrong with you? Last night, my old movie theater showed To Kill a Mockingbird, and I got there fairly early in order to get my popcorn (dinner) and get a decent parking spot. Not necessarily in that order, and what I like about myself is… Continue reading To Kill a Talking Bird
Yesterday morning, after I'd gotten up early and stressed own self over adding polls to this here not-blog (good participation, by the way!), I got an email. "Can you knock this out this morning?" I wasn't even at work yet, and already I was anxious. It's this big, several-tabbed Excel document that I copy edit… Continue reading How to Have a Migraine: A Step-By-Step Guide
Do you remember the other day--like, two days ago--when I showed you that big tower of canned kitten food I bought? There are two cans of it left. Yeesch. Four kittens: Turns out, they eat. But that, my rapt audience ("Talk about fekking kittens more, June"), is not why I've gathered you all here today,… Continue reading June polls you. And she didn’t even buy you a drink first
I've been obsessed with a game. I'm not a game person. I kind of hate games, actually, and for this, I blame my childhood. My mother used to have this game night, see, with her friends. My whole life, as far back as I can recall--and I can recall being in my crib*, so it… Continue reading Just like a movie star, who gets burned in a three-way script
When I first get up, I feel vaguely like a cafeteria server at the prison, or like Laura Ingalls Wilder when she had to feed the threshers the first day she was married. "Gee, June, I don't remember that from the show." And that was the day June tore down the street in her chonies… Continue reading Queen Kong
Oddly, I remember what I was doing a year ago today. I mean, as someone who writes what's going on in her life every day--now without weekends!--I guess it's not that shocking. But believe it or not, I don't look at my blog every day and read what I wrote in past years. I also… Continue reading The many pants of June
I just heard myself tell the dog, "I just washed that floor," as he skidded in with muddy paws, and now I have officially become my mother. Then I realized that no, I actually did not wash this floor this weekend, making me officially my grandmother when the dementia set in. I did wash a… Continue reading Give June a doll box from 1972, and you’ve given her the world
Awhile back, I went to the animal shelter for fun, because I'm the only person in America who goes to the animal shelter for fun. Others play softball. At least that's what I imagine the normal folk do. They had a banner up: Fosters for Puppies and Kittens Needed. It was like the best sentence… Continue reading Perhaps felines are mentioned briefly
Remember the guy at work who gave me the eagle calendar last year? I'm tryina find a picture of him but OH MY GOD with this slow computer, which is my other news. Here he is. He's had several funny lines on this here not-blog through the years, and anyway my point is, he brings… Continue reading Going Ham
I feel like no one reads me anymore. I mean, "no one" is a stretch, but there are definitely fewer people around here, at least comment-wise. I know back in this not-blog's heyday, like 2011-2012-ish, I'd get hundreds of comments, and around 2,000 readers a day. But then sitemeter died, and we in the not-blogging… Continue reading IRL
It was inevitable, I suppose, that during a pertinent conversation with my friend Hamlet, in which we were extolling Patty and Selma from The Simpsons, that I was struck by HOW MAGNIFICENT it would be to name cats Patty and Selma. It's these epiphanies that make me say, Well, I could just jaunt off to… Continue reading What is wrong with this emu?
It's raining today; at the most, it's going to be 64 degrees. They also call that "the high." Am become familiar with language of peeple. Anyway, after Edsel's a.m. constitutional, and by "constitutional" I mean he peed, he stampeded back inside, as he does. "Edsel, wait," I said, and he screeched to a halt. That's… Continue reading Because we need more oompah bands.
Dear June: Tell us about your weekend. We await, riveted. Signed, No one. FRIDAY We had our work picnic Thursday afternoon, which I realize is not Friday, and I just gave this section a "Friday" subhead and WHAT THE HELL with this blog. The point is, I'm this weird combination of an extroverted introvert, where… Continue reading Goodbye, Beige Earl
Right now, everyone is outside except for old Steely Dickly, here, and it occurs to me that if he were my only pet, I'd be miserable. He's never HERE. He comes in to eat, maybe sleep with one gray arm strewn across his eyes, chew a few of my beloved clothing items, then leave for… Continue reading It’s a pretty good crowd for a–oh, shut up.
Look at the sun, up there. Soooooo smug. Oh, Ima shine on you all day. Like I always do. HAH! We, the audience, know better. Anyway hi. I'm not at work, and I was luxuriating in bed, thinking how lovely it was to, you know, luxuriate in the bed, when I remembered you guys saying,… Continue reading Turn around, bright eyes
You don't have to put in an email address to leave me a comment. I wanted to say that first thing, before I got to all the scintillating news of my day. I set it up that way from the beginning. Just because the line reads "email" doesn't mean you have to obey it. And… Continue reading Tech Talk with June
Yesterday, I cheated on my hairdresser and held a dying kitten. So now I have PTSD and almost-black hair. I'd had to cancel on my regularly scheduled hairdresser, because my appointment with her had been during my Two Weeks With 80 Dollars sabbatical. "Yes, I'm on sabbatical. From life. Till I hunker through these two… Continue reading Black