In the kitchen with June · Lottie = El Diablo · Web/Tech

Cracked

BOOM!

That's what woke me up today. Lottie did her usual crying to get out of her crate at 6:30, and I was half-asleep when I took her out, fed her, then slammed my damn bedroom door so I could sleep JUST A LITTLE GODDAMN LONGER, PLEASE GOD.

And I did sleep, knowing full well she could be out there wreaking all kinds of havoc, but there's no bringing her to bed to nap with you, unless you find having your face bitten soothing, and putting her back in the crate would have been repeated renditions of Yappy Days Are Here Again. So.

BOOM!

Goddammit.

I got up, wondering if perhaps she was dead, and then I could get the sympathy vote and some sleep. But no. There she was, smiling at me as soon as I opened the bedroom door. Often she sleeps up against the door of the bedroom or bathroom if I close her out, a thing that always charms me before she twirls in the air and bites my face again.

"What did you DO, Lottie?" She pranced down the hall, having completely forgotten whatever she'd done.

Photo on 7-23-16 at 11.22 AM #3

Cracked. The screen of my nine hundred million dollar iPhone. Cracked. She knocked it off the couch.

By the way, I was having trouble finding a screen that was blank enough to show you the cracks, so I went into my notes and erased one. This page was me coming up with puppy names for that pitty puppy I almost got. One of the choices was Lottie.

I really thought I'd thought of that on the spot, when I found her in a…lot. You know, I've never looked to see what the name of the business was that she was trespassing on. I wonder if it was Demon, Inc. or D. E. Ville & Miss Jones Advertising or HELLena Rubenstein or something.

I'll go look today.

So I have an appointment at the Apple store today. $129 it's gonna cost me to fix this bullshit. It's coming out of that dog's allowance.

Since I was up, I made spaghetti for breakfast, because I was out of everything else, and I did two loads of laundry, organized my unmentionables, which I just mentioned, so in my case they'd be my mentionables. I put my shoes back in order and came to the conclusion that I really need new shoes. They're all in terrible shape, Lottie hasn't chewed any, yet, but she's peed on two pair. I just got a refund from the state (I overpaid my taxes. It's like I got a good Community Chest card).

But right then I remembered. Fucking $129 for my iPhone. Goddammit.

Anyway. I also swept the floors and Sharked them. El Diablo is napping. The beast builds her strength for the next terror.

PuppyLottie
Oh shut upz

My iTunes is workin' it today. First it played…

 

which I've shared with you before. I love that song.

Then it played…

 

which just about kills me whenever I hear it. Then it was all,

 

I feel like my iTunes has a sense of humor. Hey, high school. How's it going? Lemme get on my reversible raincoat with whales on one side and we can go.

I have to get ready to appear at the Apple Store. Appearing now! June Gardens at Apple! Then after I have a little party, a little soiree, and how much do you abhor me for saying soiree? Anyway, I do have one to go to, and I plan to raise the roof and bring my hands together and make some noise.

I can't think of who I was talking to recently (I suspect one of my interminable OK Cupid dates) who hates it when you're somewhere and they say, "Are ya having a good time?" and the crowd is, like, "Woooo!" And they say, "Not good enough. I said, ARE YOU HAVING FUN?"

Whoever it was said he hates that like hell. Don't TELL me how much noise to make. Don't RATE my woooo. And now I will feel the same way.

What's your hobby, June? Oh, I gather things to resent.

I will talk at you later. Who wants to place bets on whether June relents and gets new shoes anyway, while she's in the same shopping center as the Apple store? And…go.

...friend/Ned · I am high-maintenance · I hate everything · June's stupid life · Web/Tech

June and Grey Gardens

Photo on 10-7-14 at 7.39 AM #2Look what I did! I set up my computer yesterday, because I am a computer gooo rooo. It only took 53 minutes of talking to someone in India who put "you know" in every sentence. "Now to check your, you know, modem." In fact, I DON'T know. Also, when I just imitated him, in my mind he talked exactly like Apu on The Simpsons.

They always assume, people you talk to about computer things, that you have deep intimacy with things like your "router," and I never know what the Sam Holy Hill they mean.

Anyway, that was relaxing, and it was preceded by an hour and a half of me at the Target trying to find a long enough shower curtain liner, because for some reason our brownish-burgundy bathtub/shower is enormously tall, and the liner hangs there ineffectively, dangling like a misused participle.

Yes, our bathtub is brown. There are brown and tan tiles on the floor that I believe are original to the house, and someone was trying to be matchy. I've never had a brown bathtub before, although once I had a turquoise tub, in Seattle. I lived with my friends in their 1950s house, and the bathroom was unchanged 40 years later. There were swans etched into the shower doors, too, and swans on the pink and seafoam tiles on the wall. Needless to say I effing loved that bathroom.

When they sold it, they updated the bathroom, and I always thought if I were house-shopping, the very first thing I'd love about that house was the swanny pink-and-seafoam tiles. But what do I know?

Oh my god, anyway. So, I shopped for a long shower curtain liner (didn't find one), a bottom-of-the-bathtub grippy thing, a bathroom rug because mine were all turquoise from the last bathroom and we looked like the Grey Gardens sisters with that busy thing on the brown and burgundy tile.

I also got a kitchen rug, for standing in front of the sink. Neither of our kitchens were big enough for one before. Exciting. WeHaveContactOh, and shelf liner! Black and white swirly pattern to match the black and white tiles in there. It's all very exciting. And won't you enjoy my gray gardens roots? Who's had zero time to get her hair done, do you think? I look like Shirley Maclaine when Debra Winger had the cancer in Terms of Endearment.

So, that took an hour and a half last night, and I am just grateful Ned did not join me–he was at Lowe's buying fireplace pokers and so on. And he doesn't even KNOW her. But if Ned had had to decide on rugs and liner and so on, he'd have taken 48 hours. We'd be just like that murder show 48 Hours, particularly when I murdered him for obsessing over which grippy thing to purchase.

And by the way, the new bathroom rug really kind of clashes with the floor. So, we're still Grey Gardens. June and Grey Gardens. IMG_1810How did we ALREADY get it dirty?

The point is, I bought those things and got home and set up my computer so briefly and efficiently, then I had to write this week's Purple Clover. Here's the one that came out yesterday, by the way.

After all that, Ned said, "Have you eaten?" and I had not, which is how I found myself having dinner at 10:30 at night. In short, moving is fun. Did you know I've moved?

I will leave you with one final thought. Edsel. Not a fan of adult time. This morning he actually bounded over his barricade and ran fitfully up here to make sure I was not being murdered.

I was not. And you can imagine how sexy it is to suddenly realize a concerned-looking underbite is looming over you on the bed from out of nowhere. Hot.

IMG_1809Lu not have consern for your sex time. hooo care, what Lu say.

So that's all I have to say about that. Off to work. My commute is now a breakneck five minutes, so I'd better get on it.

Brownly,

June

I am berserk · June's stupid life · My pets · Web/Tech

In which June mentions NEW COMPUTER not at all

Photo on 9-25-11 at 9.42 AM #2
Good morning!

Who needs to get past her webcam? Who needs to not show you her hair in the a.m.? It is bad enough in the p.m.

Since I have been unable to talk to you for reals, what with this lack of computer issue–did you know I was having computer issues?–there is now so much to tell. I hope you have nothing else to do today.

100_0335 heeeeee, mom bizzy on compruter. what we chew, Tallulaa?

Photo on 9-25-11 at 10.01 AM she not DAT bizzy, eediots. don't let her see you or you gotta pose on dum webcam.

Okay, so REALLY. First of all, I went on a date with the Fireman the other night, and it turns out I had said something to make him think I was dating Dick Whitman, and that's why I hadn't heard from him in so long. Everybody thinks I'm dating Dick Whitman and I'm really not. I gotta stop having friends who are boys.

I let him pick from four restaurants in this cute neighborhood near me, and he chose the pizza place. "What could be better than pizza and beer?" he said. Sometimes Fireman reminds me of Hulk.

The thing was? It was totally pretentious pizza. The toppings were like goat cheese, cilantro, a beret and asparagus or pistachio, Proust, ennui and modern jazz.

"I was kind of hoping for, you know, sausage and pepperoni," said the Fireman. Did I mention the reminds-me-of-Hulk thing? "We wouldn't have shared a pizza, then," I told him, "as I would never get hooves and snouts on my pizza."

I'm a fun date.

Anyway, we got basil, pistachio, onion and Sylvia Plath on our pizza and the Fireman ordered sweet tea instead of beer. I guess he wanted to stay sober lest he start doing an interpretive dance or something.

Afterwards, we went back to my house to hang, which makes it sound like we went to my house to hump, but I assure you we did not. Mostly because Edsel has bought tickets to Connecticut so he can legally marry the Fireman.

That was not one of those if-gay-people-marry-what's-next-people-marrying-their-dogs jokes. I hate that argument. Because it's such a logical next step. Gee, if HUMANS love each other, surely they'll love animals next! Really, though, if I had my choice of marrying one of my pets or someone who thinks that's a logical argument, I would take my pet.

It was more an Edsel-is-a-total-homo-for-Fireman joke. I mean, that dog smiled, he wagged, he whined, he cajoled, and eventually he climbed up on Fireman's lap and went to sleep. I am not even making that up.

IMG_1444 oh, dat you, Andersuns? was dreeming it were fireman.

Hey. I may have a new computer but I do not have new photo skillz.

But you guys! I hook up my phone to the NEW COMPUTER? And it says oh, you wanna download these pictures? And then it goes floooooluuup! and there they all are!

Floooooluuop!

So it was a fun date with Fireman, and he said we were not to speak of my hair all night, because he says I am obsessed with my hair–and who wouldn't be? Have you met this hair? But then I was complaining that my bathroom drain is clogged and he said, "Well it's all your HAIR" so HAH! He brought it up first.

Hah! Flooooooluuuuop!

Anyway, then yesterday I schlepped out in the rain to take Tallulah to the vet, where we learned she is a trifle—curvy. Rubenesque. Full-figured.

100_0357you go hell, stoopit vet. no, did NOT order Jimmee John's. what you mean?

This irks me, because I have been giving her less food, and feeding her twice a day, and I think she is (a) sneaking into the closet and munching on dry kitten food whenever she can and (8) bursting into the back room and finishing Edsel's food. So now I have to put the kitten food in a container, and remember to ALWAYS close the gate while Edsel eats, and geez Louise. I have stuff to do. 

Photo on 9-25-11 at 10.26 AM
Like this.

Anyway. After finding out my dog was a fattie, I got my car inspected ("Yep. It's a car.") and finally screamed on over to the Apple store.

IMG_1438
Could there have been more people there? Could they have been mostly teenagers playing on Facebook? Did that irk me at all, because I wanted to actually BUY an effing computer? And when did Topsiders become cool again?

I did get someone to help me, and they were so EFFICIENT! All the guy at the store does is tap something into a phone, then some other young boy brings my computer right to me from the back room. And I PAID for it using this guy's phone, too. For all I know he was a criminal and he just totally stole all my credit card information.

Whatever.

IMG_1441
Who needs your identity and/or a credit card when you have a new computer to play with? With which to play. Whatever.

"Whatever" is a big word with me today.

So now Ima sign off, and go read all your comments, because I know there is a comment of the week I already called, and then I know there are honorable mentions, and can I remember any of them? Will come back and announce the coveted prize when I find said comments.

Photo on 9-24-11 at 6.11 PM make mom stop wif webbcam.

Photo on 9-25-11 at 10.57 AMyesss. make stop.

P.S. Okay. Just Paula–comment of the week (what else is new?). Hulk–signature line of the week. (I know! Now, what now? Is that even a category?)

June's stupid life · Web/Tech

Don’t go chasing starfishfalls. I know that made no sense.

I don't know if I remembered to mention that ridiculous Roger chewed the cord that attaches my iPhone to the computer, so I have been unable to download pictures from my camera. Why do I have pets?

Then it hit me (ow.) that I bought a plug-into-the-wall recharger thingie® (official name for it) and I realized I could jury-rig it to plug into the computer.

June. The world's most advanced technological blogger.

The POINT is, now I have all these pictures I have been taking for days and now Ima show you and just get used to it.

First of all, here is a picture of the SPARKLY STARFISH I FINALLY BOUGHT.

Stuffibought
AAACCKKKKK!

Sorry. The coffee pot just did that beeping again that makes me panic every day.

Anyway, I like how I say the starfish I "finally" bought. I looked at it six days ago. Ohhhh, the waiting and the toiling it took for me to finally get to that starfish.

Remember when Dick Whitman said that art people describe tacky over-the-top stuff as rococo? There is no way this starfish is anything but rococo. Oh and I also bought a headband. See above. And 96 paper bags.

The REASON I finally fulfilled my lifelong dream, or my six-day-long dream, of getting the $11 starfish is I have struck up a friendship with the store's owner, who Ima call Kit. Because it's not her name or anything. I asked what she wanted her blog name to be and she said I could choose but I really like the name Kit so I'm using it.

The point is, when I posted pictures of me going to her store the other day, and could I link to that post more often as though it were the Greatest Post Ever Written? Anyway, when I wrote that post Kit SAW IT and left a comment. Oh, how I wish I could link to comments, just to be obnoxious right now.

So we've been emailing back and forth and having a high time and yesterday I had the intensest day at work and I had to come home and freelance all night (last night's topic? Colic. Do not give me a colicky baby. I always thought that was some kind of disease but from what I read colic is just God punishing you with a really super-cranky baby) so I said you know what? Ima stop off there on my way home and get that starfish.

Oh my God. I have like 80 more pictures to show you and this first one is taking 90 paragraphs.

The POINT is I met Kit, we are in love, we are new best best best friends, and here is my starfish in the bathroom. Yes, he had to pee right away.

Rococofish
OHMYGOD look at him! With his glitter and his teensy spraypainted shells and his GLITTER.  I love glitter. Everything should be sparkly and much too jeweled.

Okay, seriously gonna show another picture now.

Meorcrakerz
They do not love me that much. They love my TLC crackers. Fakers. Cracker-diggers. But at least they were able to shed 92 pounds of fur on me as they gazed at me "lovingly."

Also, I looked through that whole box of TLC crackers and did not see T-Boz or Left-Eye Lopes even once.

Now I am gazing at my own self lovingly. Would put head on own leg if humanly possible.

Hair
Oh shoot (ow). I forgot that I took a picture of me in the headband except I had to turn around, bright eyes, and yell at Edsel, who had Anderson's neck in his mouth. But I ended up liking this picture anyway.

Speaking of Anderson and his little gay gray self, he is the first cat I have fed canned food. I have always considered canned food to be kind of junky, and you know no junk goes in THIS body, so why would it go in my cats'? (Yes, I WAS just struck by a bolt of lightning. Why do you ask?)

But he was so skinny–Anderson, not the lightning–and the vet said to get canned kitten food. It seemed weird to feed him canned food made from kittens, but whatever. And do you know he has the softest, gleamiest fur I have ever seen? I have been giving Roger cans, now, too, along with fattening kitten kibble.

Gleeemee
Here is a picture that demonstrates not at all that Anderson's fur is lovely. When am I going to win that Best Photography Blog award? I know I am also up for Most Technological, but I deserve both.

Oh. I'm out of pictures to show you. I wish I could take a picture right now, as Edsel is attacking Talu and his feathery tail is wag-wag-wagging, and Roger is leaping around trying to attack said feathery tail.

Anderson is off gleaming somewhere.

June's stupid life · My pets · Proofreading/Copy editing · Web/Tech

June, who looks a little like Dame Edna, sends her holiday regards

 Mcmdameedna

Nothing says happy holidays like an orange "please rescue our pets other than that black-and-white-one in the back room" sticker.

I'm in the middle of proofreading a deposition, and all I can think of is all of you who took my survey the other day, who said, "I get so sad when I look and a new post isn't there."

So here I am, BLOGGING when I should be working.

Oh, and speaking of that survey? A lot of people said, "I hate it when you miss a day."

I have not missed a day of blogging since November of 2008. And even then it was just one day. There were a couple posts I have eventually taken down, but I do post daily. So keep checking back if you don't see a new post that day.

I have to finish my work, which I would DO if you all didn't make me feel GUILTY that I haven't POSTED yet, and then I have to get a few gifts today, so I took Tallulah to dog day care. Here is the link to her webcam. They have fancy new cameras there now, but I can NEVER get them to work. Maybe you can, Miss Bigbucks, with your highfalutin' computer. Here's the fancy link.

When I told Talu she was going to daycare today, she immediately started trembling with excitement. Who loves her the daycare? As soon as she can see it from the car, she leans across the dashboard so at least her snout will be there a few seconds sooner.

It's so quiet here when it's just cats. The only sound is the bell on Henry's collar, which I wish I could figure out how to remove, because I don't care HOW many angels get their wings, it's irritating.

Oh, and also? I have a question which has nothing to do with bells on a collar. Where's a good place to get big Rubbermaid-ish tubs to store my holiday finery? I've been using cardboard boxes and they aren't weatherproof–news flash. Anyone? Bueller?

Also also, does anyone have a good chocolate-chip cookie recipe? I know I could just buy the tube of them, but I'd prefer my cookies without chemicals in them. Thank you.

Okay, I'm going back to work. Are y'all not working this week? Are you working till the 24th? Marvin used to work for a place that never closed (I refuse to say "24/7." I hate that phrase) and he was scheduled to work Christmas day SEVEN CHRISTMASES IN A ROW. They never rotated the schedule. Sometimes he'd switch with people, but I remember spending a few Christmases without his white arse. Sucks. Does anyone have to work on Christmas? Wouldn't it be cool if Mrs. Claus read this blog? She could complain about how tired her spouse is every Christmas.

Okay, really going back to work now.

P.S. I'm back. Am going to be fired. My friend just sent me this photo of Marvin and me from 1812. Could we look any younger?!

Wewereyoung